two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

holy fuck people September 27, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 12:42 pm

the drinking. the wine tasting? a corona with lime and salt with a delicious mexican lunch? i had no idea.

more later.

p.s. thank you for all of the lengthy comments. I LOVE lengthy comments.


What a long time means September 23, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 8:38 pm

This coming February it will be 17 years since I have had a drink.

Recently I have been considering that my teen drinking career may have been more normal than alcoholic.

I stopped when I was 16. My father was an alcoholic…you know, the kind who slept in the creek sometimes. He got sober when I was 11. I displayed some early behavior indicating that I had problems drinking: wanting to get drunk every time I was around alcohol, stealing weed from my friends, not ever knowing my limits, barfing. But hello? I was stealing before the drinking started, and of course I wanted to drink when it was around, since it was so hard to get. I stopped for those reasons, but mostly I stopped because I made friends with sober people in high school. I went to meetings for a few years, and then I found that I didn’t need them anymore to stay sober. I met S, and she stopped drinking altogether 6 months into our relationship because I asked her to.

Where am I going with this? I always believed that alcoholism was a disease I had, which meant that certainly, I could never, ever, ever drink. I assumed that my teen behavior (for less than a year) and my family history meant I needed to be sober forever, lest the progressive disease catch up with me.

I’m not sure what happened recently but something changed. All of a sudden I told S that she could drink if she wanted to. I started to question my unquestioned beliefs about myself and alcoholism in general. My dad was surely an Alcoholic, capital A, as are many more functional folks. But I decided, and I really can’t be more articulate about it in this moment because my thoughts and feelings about this are incredibly complex layered and detailed, to consider drinking again. As an adult. With guidelines.

What I know for sure is that 17 years without drinking is a long time.  I could have a problem, but most likely I don’t. I find myself surrounded by friends who drink “normally”. By normally I mean sometimes they get drunk and regret it (once a year?). By normal I mean that they monitor their drinking and have made rules for themselves that they generally respect. Some don’t hang out with people that they know they will be a little out of control with. Some have decided not to drink around their kids, in general, or on weeknights and so on. Most have decided not to make drinking a regular (daily) practice of relaxing. I have been quizzing them about their “rules” so I can muddle through if I decide to drink. I know that I probably can’t ever drink without monitoring myself. If I am a giant genetic alcoholic I may find that I make rules I cannot adhere to. I have, of course, considered that this whole attitude change is just more of my justifying addict behavior/thinking, but when I really check in, that is not what is happening.

Current research actually does support people returning to controlled drinking after a period of abstinence. I know that for people in 12 step programs all of my thinking probably sounds blasphemous. I’m not sure that I am explaining myself well, but I suspect that even if I did there is no way NOT to sound justifying. What is really upsetting to me is that I don’t know any on else in this position. No one I know or have even met has been sober so long with such a limited drinking career. I even tried googling this and came up with nothing.

So. What to do.

What are your rules? How do you not use alcohol or drugs in an abusive way? Has anyone ever started drinking again after a long period of abstinence?


quick post September 5, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 11:29 pm
  • it’s my birthday
  • it is Smarty’s birthday next week – he’ll be FOUR!
  • i am going to make Smarty an ice cream cone halloween costume, and i’m going to make Chicky an ice cream sandwich costume.
  • i am going, sans kids, to santa barbara next month with some friends
  • i am now regularly (and by regularly i mean 3 times) going to a Zumba Class. YES I AM. My skill level is akin to the chick in the back wearing light green.

biology, freedom, blah blah August 16, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 11:35 pm

my family is doing an online family tree thing. so i’m filling it out and i realize that Chicky really isn’t mexican at all.  i am 1/2 mexican, so Smarty is 1/4 mexican, but what about Chicky? is she mexican, a little? i feel a strong connection to mexico, to the food, to the colors, the aesthetic, the language, my family. i will pass that on to her. but she is so not of me. i wish i could publish a picture of S holding her. she is S’s mini-me twin. truly. i don’t know where i’m headed here. i suppose that the reality of our family genetics seems to reveal itself over time, and sometimes it surprises me.


i am about to have Chicky and Smarty alone 2 days a week (when S goes back to work part time) and i don’t have magic boobs. SCARY times are in store for me. i’m not looking forward to it, if you can believe it. don’t hate me, i’m just finally starting to embrace my role and i don’t know how to switch back into being a primary caregiver to a baby. especially without boobs.


i have been hanging out a lot with friends after work and sometimes even on weekends. i always make sure S has help or is doing well alone.  i have to say that alone time with adults is SWEET. i am trying to take advantage of my position as the momwithoutboobs, and it is causing some conflict. just when i am feeling more independent than ever, S is feeling more chained down than ever. it is complicated. she wants to be supportive but is resentful. i get it. i am trying to be the same way about the breastfeeding (not that i have to try to be supportive – that is easy – i’m just jealous sometimes). i am trying not to take advatage of my ability to get the fuck out of the house.

i have to tell you that freedom feels so.fucking.good. last weekend i went to a friends house (who has a daughter, but the grandparents watch her kid every saturday from noon until sunday morning) and we made felt fruit, listened to music and then went out to dinner at a nice restaurant. no screaming baby. no tugging on my pants and whining toddler. i cannot describe the luxury involved in that kind of saturday. it was dreamy. remember that i spent 3 years caring for Smarty, full time, and i never had those kinds of weekends. rarely went out with friends alone. S and i didn’t even go on many dates.

now that i am back at work, and making new friends, and have some distance, i am wanting to run. not abandon my family or anything. but i do feel like some very important pieces of myself had fallen off of me over the last 4 years, and i didn’t even know they were missing. these pieces are returning as i have some distance from being a primary caregiver. the peices are dirty and rusty but they are mine and it feels like coming home.

so we are navigating it, but this boobmom role reversal is challenging for us at every turn.


it’s totally official August 7, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 11:53 pm

We are legally married!

This is the post where I make you all look at pictures of the wedding. If you were here I would make you watch a slide show.

You KNOW I am not one to live in fantasy land or to drone on and on about the good shit. You know I am easily disappointed. Pessimistic. So imagine my surprise when the day exceeded my highest expectations.

The wedding was so fucking fun. It was so.much.more.relaxed than wedding #1. Nothing was the thing…the dress, the cake, the day. I highly recommend throwing a potluck party when most of your friends are foodies. Highly. The food couldn’t have been better if it we catered it. Authentic quesadillas, enchiladas, a taco bar, Sangria, mojitos. YUM.

Bright flowers, great music, papel picado, and the best favors, ever.

The original favors were ordered online. Woodblock candles of the Virgen de Guadalupe looking up peacefully with the words Lux Perpetua (Latin for perpetual light) above her. Cool right?

Guess what arrived???

JESUS. Jesus candles. Not just any Jesus candles, oh no. Jesus looking miserable, in agony, wearing his crown of thorns.

“Yes, thank you so much for coming…please take home a suffering Jesus candle.”

So I decided to make my own favors – these Mexic@n Loteri@ matchboxes. I made 25, all with different designs. Do you know how therapeutic glitter can be? Very.

The tables looked like this:

The cake, which I decorated (with real marigolds and purchased skeletons – not my usual deal for those of you who know what kind of insane cakes I make entirely out of edible ingredients.) The Sugar skulls are sugar though.

Did I mention that my grandma got ordained via the Universal Life Church online, and officiated the wedding? She toasted us later in the evening with a sentiment ending in “Remember to vote no on Proposition 8!” (an anti gay measure which will be on the November ballot). You gotta love old school Democrats. My grandma has a bumper sticker on her car that says “Peace is Patriotic”.

Friends, we have a marriage license. Our family is officially legally recognized by the State of California. It is unfuckingbelievable.

And my S, the love of my life, who I have been with for 13 years, is not legally my domestic partner, my partner, my “lover”, my friend, my roommate, or my girlfriend, she is my wife.


we’re getting married, again August 1, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 11:47 pm

our fine state decided that gays like us can get married, so we are. in 2 days.

i’m nervous. we were SO HOT last time…really in our prime. which was, um, 7 years ago. this is what we are calling our fat wedding.

it’s exciting. mostly. i don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but i feel like we already did this. i feel married. so we are getting married, legally, which is so amazing, but it will be a change for us in some ways. currently we don’t have to report both of our incomes as a family, so we have qualified, at various times, for services we will not qualify for as a dual income married couple. i was having some mixed feelings about this, but then we went into the county clerk’s office to file for our license and i almost started crying. the staff was so lovely, welcoming, happy to see us. it felt odd to be treated so…equally. every time i read this (which we put on the wedding invitation) i get all weepy:

“Furthermore, in contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual’s sexual orientation, and, more generally, that an individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights. We therefore conclude that in view of the substance and significance of the fundamental constitutional right to form a family relationship, the California Constitution properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all Californians, whether gay or heterosexual, and to same-sex couples as well as to opposite-sex couples.”

— Chief Justice Ronald M. George, California Supreme Court

and so it goes. legally. we are having a potluck (and our friends are foodies so it should be GOOD), and the theme is Day of the Dead. yup.

two skeleton brides atop the cake. fuschia and orange flowers. sugar skulls. our 2 beautiful kids. it really couldn’t be better. oh, and Smarty wants to be a flower boy. i have been so effing stressed out about the details today, but writing this makes me want to fall to my knees in gratitude.


have you noticed i’m not blogging about chicky? July 22, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 10:17 pm

I have. I realized yesterday that i just don’t have that mybabymybaby thing happening like I did with Smarty. She exists, and I love her, but I don’t have the urge to write about everything she does. Well, anything she does, really.

Not sure if it is because I still feel disconnected to her, or if it is a 2nd kid issue. And if I’m being really honest, as I usually am, I must admit that I don’t really like babies all that much. Even mine. Love, yes – like, not so much.

Everyone says, savor this time, or it goes so fast, or people talk about how they ache for when their kids were infants. Really? No fucking way. I mean, when you want a baby and are having trouble getting one, that’s a different story, ache away. But I NEVER ache for the early days with Smarty. Ever. When I see infants, I see sleep deprivation, barf, constant swaying (I catch myself swaying when I’m holding a grocery bag, like a crazy person). I see no alone time. I see fighting with one’s partner. This baby stage is not for me.

I kinda hate it.

Chicky is adorable when she smiles, and tolerable other times. But I love fat toddlers, I love it when they can do sign language and giggle. So forgive me if I don’t talk about her much right now. Forgive me for not talking about much of anything right now. Jesus, I sound depressed as fuck. Maybe I need to get back on the Wellbutr!n.