I am having depression problems. The park is filled with pregnant moms. Pregnant moms with their one year olds. Pregnant moms with their two year olds. Pregnant moms with their three year olds. Pregnant first time moms. All of the folks that were thinking of trying with us are pregnant or have given birth. And everyone’s pregnancies seem to be progressing so quickly. My best work friend is almost 12 weeks. WTF is closing in on 26. I won’t bore you with all of the rest of them.
People…I really don’t want to be a whine fest. I am so grateful for what I have. But this last failed attempt really hurt. Not in a dramatic way. Not in a crying way. I just feel flat and done. We are without a back up plan. And I don’t know that I believe, at this point, that S can get pregnant.
And yes, I know that I could go again with another donor. That may need to happen. But it is incredibly painful to contemplate in a way that I cannot really describe. Additionally we would have to start a sperm search all over again and I honestly don’t know if I can do that again. I have been through that so many times (PKD#1, PKD#2, PKD#3, frozen, PKD#4 (the wife), and then the actual attempts with frozen donor #1, frozen donor #2, then Rocket Man 4 times, then switching to UD and H, then switching back to Rocket Man for another failed attempt). Contemplating finding a known or frozen donor for me feel like being punched in the gut.
I know I have blogged all of this before. I have no new insights about it. I am struggling so hard every day to stay positive, to be grateful for my many many many blessings, to love my son, to trust that we will someday give him a sibling. I succeeded for a bit during this last TWW. I had a nice snow vacation.
But the hopelessness is returning like a warm blanket. I’m cold and sad and the hopelessness slowly fills me up. Little things make me want to cry. I am retreating from my friends. Every night I tell S that I had a hard day.
So I’m not writing much. Or commenting much. I’m not returning emails. I don’t have the energy. It has been too long and too exhausting. I am sad. I wish I were a person who could just buck up. Who could turn this into a growing experience. Who could find meaning. Who could know that their God had a plan for them. But I don’t. No comfort in God for me. I just want another kid.
And I want so badly to be done with this process which has sucked the life from my bones.
Okay. I think I’m done with that depressing, repetitive, self indulgent rant.