dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

slightly inspired January 29, 2009

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 11:47 pm

I am a little inspired by the recent blog flurry over at my friend/donor-for-littleO’s wife’s blog. I am having an interesting time with the drinking. I really love it. Maybe too much. Maybe not. I went to a training for my work for adoption related issues and it was VERY interesting in terms of how to talk to kids about the truth of their biology. According to their research (a leading center in the field of adoption) you should be talking about the donor, or bio parent from birth. Wondering if the child got their eye color from him, wondering all manner of things out loud. You are not supposed to wait until the child brings it up. It is supposed to be integrated into all aspects of the child’s life. Not that it should be talked about all the time or anything. It was very interesting to learn that it is not supposed to be a wait-till-they ask deal. One is supposed to bring it up in an age appropraiate manner whenever the subject naturally arises (like a discussion of eye color, genes, etc.) I am surprised by how often these topics come up. How do you people handle this issue?

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6 Responses to “slightly inspired”

  1. arcanematters Says:

    That won’t be the approach we use at all. We wanted an anon donor. If we had a known donor, I might have a very different answer. With all due respect to research, I am sure there is a study with opposite findings out there! To me, wondering if the got their eye color from their anon donor (they did) diminishes their non-bio mom’s role. And adds a third person into our parenting duo. That is just my opinion. Also, I don’t trust myself. If the girls did something I didn’t like, I can see myself yelling “YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN THAT FROM YOUR DONOR!”

  2. shelli Says:

    With adoption, the birth mother is VERY important. She is Malka’s “tummy mommy,” and we are her “heart mommies,” as in “she grew in birth mama V’s tummy, and in Eemah and mommy’s hearts.” and since day 1, we’ve talked about it. I’m not sure how much Malka “gets,” but I DO think that it simply becomes such a part of the common language, that it no longer becomes “an issue.”

    When we were trying ‘the old fashioned way,” we went with id release donors, as we simply figured that a black Jewish child of two moms would have enough on their plate w/o wondering where half of their dna came from and ending up on Oprah.

  3. Co Says:

    Hmm… Jo’s donor has brown eyes. I have brown eyes. My parents and brother have brown eyes. The donor’s father has brown eyes and mother has blue eyes.

    Jo has blue eyes.

    Lo has light eyes — blue some days, green others. I think he got them from Lo, personally. She is always getting told how much she looks like Jo. I only get the occasional, “He looks like his daddy?” I have also been mistaken for his nanny.

    That is to say… I’m not sure I would do it in terms of physical traits. Our donor is ID release, so Jo can know his identity some day if he wants to. It’s hard to talk about a donor when all I know is what is on a few pieces of photocopied paper. Is there a recommendation for what to do in cases of donor sperm? It seems like it’d be easier in some ways to answer questions if the donor were a known donor or the child was from an open adoption.

    Speaking of which, my friend’s 3-year-old daughter once looked very seriously at her known donor, who is a close friend of the family, and asked, “Are you my donut?” Awfully cute.

  4. indigoscot Says:

    we plan on letting our son know about being conceived via donor and talking to him about it as soon as he can understand such things (he’s only 18 months old right now). our friends who have a daughter a little more than a year older than him has already asked about “her daddy” and they showed her a photo of him. we will not be referring to our son’s donor as “his daddy” because quite simply he’s not. we will refer to him as his donor. as for traits and looks, well, he’s a mini-me. he has detached earlobes which i don’t have but others in my family do. the one thing we will not do is keep it all a secret. my adopted friends who were kept in the dark didn’t take to kindly to it as teenagers!

    g

  5. Cynnie Says:

    i was raised by a stepfather..I never really wondered about where i got anything from ..
    maybe I just wasnt curious enough..
    I think you should answer questions as they come up..
    i use to work in social services and i swear i think all the new agey bullshit just makes kids think maybe there is a problem when it really wasnt in their minds at all..

  6. Tristin Says:

    Just dropping by.Btw, you website have great content!

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