all is well. i don’t know yet if my blog life is over. i am busy playing rock band with S and taking care of my 2 very lovely kids. saw our donor family for littleO recently. all is well there. still taking antidepressants. xmas and hanukkah are over, thank god. littleO is cheeky and smiley and charming, unlike smarty who was massively serious at 8 months old. i miss you all. i have not figured out how to incorporate this blog into my new life without ttc and pregnancy, because honestly, that is what the purpose was. it became so much more than that, but i have not figured out how to turn my nottryingtogetpregnant life into a blog. and i am regularly aware and grateful that the ttc part is over. so grateful. so incredibly grateful. for fuck’s sake. hard years, those. little pieces of me are returning as i shift my obsessiveness away from baby making, deal with my depression, hug my baby, muster some answers and empathy for my 4 year old who broke down in tears in the back seat of the car 2 weeks ago because “i’m so sad that i don’t have a dad”, making gingerbread houses, surviving an emotionally taxing job, attempting to have any semblance of a sex life again, weeping on a morning when i wake up and find myself in bed with my wife who i love and my son who is snuggled between us holding his arms out for us to put LittleO on top of him so they can both shriek. what can you do except cry? it is just too much sometimes.
i’m still here December 28, 2008