two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

funk October 13, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 10:00 pm

I am in a funk, but I elaborate about that later.

First, the drinking. It has been mostly very, very FUN. Wine tasting, tipsy sex, a glass of wine after putting the kids to bed on a Friday night. Searching for wines is also amazing and overwhelming. And I discovered that I get quiet and observant when I get a little drunk, which is hysterical if you know me IRL, being an intrinsically unquiet person. The process is also confusing. I think most people my age (33) have, by this point, figured out how much they can drink, if they can mix different alcohols, how much water they need to drink, if there will be any consequences the next day. For me it is all new, and I am discovering that too much wine and no water = parched feeling of wanting to die in the middle of the night, crappy sleep and grumpy me the next day. Does drinking make any of you more depressed the next day? Just so you know, by ‘too much wine’ i mean 3 glasses, which is the most I have had so far. Sometimes I wonder if I like it too much, talk about it too much, think about it too much. Maybe that is good. Some checks and balances. Ultimately I know I cannot avoid a period of thinking about it mucho after 17 years of abstinence. It is just too damn exciting.

What I want to blog about today, however, is the subject of me being in a funk. Depressed. Insecure. I have made some new friends lately (the last 6 months at my new job) and that is a vulnerable process for me. One friend in particular, I really like and we became instantly close. We planned a number of trips together, both alone and with our families. Ah. How do I write about this without it being boring?? And long?? Um. I am just always wondering if people really like me and it takes me a long time to trust that someone does…that I am worthy of smart, funny people liking me. I make everything they do personal. Do you know what I mean? Like if New Friend is a little off one day, or doesn’t return my call the same night, or tells me that she would rather we take two cars on our upcoming family vacation after we planned on all going in her minivan, I get all ‘she doesn’t like me anymore’ instead of thinking maybe she had a bad day, or didn’t get my message, or just wants some quality time with her husband. Why must I be so insecure and self centered? I think about everything too much. Today I just wish I was someone else. Someone who wasn’t so hard on myself. So needy. This leads me to thinking I should go back on antidepressants, because when I was on Wellbutr!n, I ruminated so.much.less. But I was a little angrier too. Anyway thank you for reading this self indulgent post when I hardly ever post anymore.

p.s. amer!cas funniest home videos is so.much.funnier after a beer. for realz.


10 Responses to “funk”

  1. I need to be Says:

    I know its lame to be anonymous, but I don’t want you to be angry with me (I can be insecure too). But the drinking scares me. Three glasses may not seem like a lot. It is, though. And those who don’t have issues don’t count. Three leads to four to five to six. I’m sure you drinking has increased since you even broke your own seal. Tipsy sex? BAD idea. Feeling depressed the next day and this funk you are in is a HUGE sign that drinking and you might not be a good mix. Just please be careful.

  2. shelli Says:

    re: the drinking – it’s like you’ve found a new toy, and I suspect that once the “New! Shiny!” has worn off, you will self regulate. if you CAN’T, then it’s time to re-think this new activity…

    re: the insecure thing – OH YEAH. ALL the time. for reals. What helps me sometimes is this little saying someone told me once: “People think about you a lot less than you think they do.” Because in reality? Everyone’s a little bit insecure, and so focused on their own drama, that you (the proverbial plural form) rarely enter their thoughts.

    Hope that helps a bit. It does me, at least when I remember it!

  3. charlotte Says:

    HI anonymous, I appreciate the honesty! No need to be anonymous. I don’t have a problem with tipsy sex – we both had a glass of wine and then had sex…it was fun and I had never done that before. I have zero issues with that. It isn’t the plan all the time. I am watchful about the depression. That is why I am asking about it. Also, I get depressed off and on throughout my life, and certainly often during the last 17 years, but I know alcohol is a depressant and I don’t want to exacerbate my condition.

  4. Calliope Says:

    Couple of things- you are a wonderful friend. And you have great gut instincts about people. I TOTALLY get the insecure shit about new friends, but soon that will go away, or it won’t but it will be ok. I think people that have the crazy combination of sensitive and outgoing have it hard (I am in this group). We crave people and the energy from having a great conversation, but underneath that is the insecurity that maybe we are being too loud, or sharing too much, or…whatever. I think you should bring this up with your new friend just so that she is aware. Most people think that outgoing people are more confident.

    The depression- I think wellbutrin is a good idea. Well except you say it was making you angry. Maybe there is another drug to try. But I think being off Anti-D’s and going through the personal journey of exploring drinking is going to be hard.

    As for the drinking- I will admit that it is hard for me to even imagine it. It is a big change just to read about so I can imagine it is a HUGE change for you and your way of processing things. I worry about you only because this just seems so giant.

    I wish you would blog more…

  5. Lo Says:

    I always think people don’t really like me. The drugs take the edge off, though; I didn’t like living that way.

  6. Kim Says:

    No biggie on the drinking thing. Sounds like you have it completely under control. And you’re right, tipsy sex can be fun!

    I understand the depression too. And when meeting new people it is hard to NOT be over analytical. I personally have found that my anti depressants help me to quiet my brain down a little in this respect. I am off them now (pregnant) and notice the difference, so I say check out the wellbutrin or see if another one agrees with you more. But I think you’re doing just fine and it helps to talk about it. So blog more. šŸ™‚

  7. anonymous for now Says:

    I’ve been debating whether or not to comment here, but I feel compelled to add that the solution may not be to go back to an anti-depressant, especially if you noticed negative effects before. Doctors prefer not to talk about it, and often advise unwise withdrawal schedules, but it is known that stopping an anti-depressant itself can lead to a depression. This is usually interpreted as unmasking an underlying depression, but that is not necessarily the case. Depending on how fast you went off the Well.butrin in the first place, you may still be experiencing what is essentially a withdrawal effect (yes, really, many months later). Most doctors suggest a taper schedule of a couple weeks at most. Folks experienced with such things encourage multiple months to minimize withdrawal effects, which lines up with my own experience. (I have both personal and scientific experience with this issue, but of course I’ve gone anonymous, so I suppose you have no real reason to believe me. The e-mail I left is good if you do want to reach me). I realize this is likely a minority opinion. And of course you need to take care of yourself in whatever way you decide is best…and give yourself a break. You have a new baby and a new job and new friends AND a toddler (all of which are both good and stressful). Some melancholy is to be expected.

    Hang in there.

  8. Jess Says:

    Hiya. I don’t know you at all, but I’ve enjoyed your blog for a while. I agree that drinking (with awareness) can be fun and usually harmless (I say that as someone with no background of alcoholism in my family/friends). And I totally totally get the insecurity with new people. Hell, I’m insecure with new friends and old friends, sometimes. How do you ever know what people are thinking? I do want to ask though, re the various issues you mention and anti-depressants, have you done much therapy? Seems like maybe some really good therapy might be more helpful (and by good I mean, not the kind where you just go in and vent your frustrations for an hour, the kind where you really deal with some issues). I dont know you, so maybe you’ve done that or maybe I’m off, just a thought… In the meantime, enjoy your sweet life of good wine and tipsy sex and new friends and little ones. Looks pretty good to me, being 33 and still single…

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