my family is doing an online family tree thing. so i’m filling it out and i realize that Chicky really isn’t mexican at all. i am 1/2 mexican, so Smarty is 1/4 mexican, but what about Chicky? is she mexican, a little? i feel a strong connection to mexico, to the food, to the colors, the aesthetic, the language, my family. i will pass that on to her. but she is so not of me. i wish i could publish a picture of S holding her. she is S’s mini-me twin. truly. i don’t know where i’m headed here. i suppose that the reality of our family genetics seems to reveal itself over time, and sometimes it surprises me.
i am about to have Chicky and Smarty alone 2 days a week (when S goes back to work part time) and i don’t have magic boobs. SCARY times are in store for me. i’m not looking forward to it, if you can believe it. don’t hate me, i’m just finally starting to embrace my role and i don’t know how to switch back into being a primary caregiver to a baby. especially without boobs.
i have been hanging out a lot with friends after work and sometimes even on weekends. i always make sure S has help or is doing well alone. i have to say that alone time with adults is SWEET. i am trying to take advantage of my position as the momwithoutboobs, and it is causing some conflict. just when i am feeling more independent than ever, S is feeling more chained down than ever. it is complicated. she wants to be supportive but is resentful. i get it. i am trying to be the same way about the breastfeeding (not that i have to try to be supportive – that is easy – i’m just jealous sometimes). i am trying not to take advatage of my ability to get the fuck out of the house.
i have to tell you that freedom feels so.fucking.good. last weekend i went to a friends house (who has a daughter, but the grandparents watch her kid every saturday from noon until sunday morning) and we made felt fruit, listened to music and then went out to dinner at a nice restaurant. no screaming baby. no tugging on my pants and whining toddler. i cannot describe the luxury involved in that kind of saturday. it was dreamy. remember that i spent 3 years caring for Smarty, full time, and i never had those kinds of weekends. rarely went out with friends alone. S and i didn’t even go on many dates.
now that i am back at work, and making new friends, and have some distance, i am wanting to run. not abandon my family or anything. but i do feel like some very important pieces of myself had fallen off of me over the last 4 years, and i didn’t even know they were missing. these pieces are returning as i have some distance from being a primary caregiver. the peices are dirty and rusty but they are mine and it feels like coming home.
so we are navigating it, but this boobmom role reversal is challenging for us at every turn.