S had some cramping last night that was painful and woke her up several times, but nothing today. I feel disconnected blogging about it. In real life I am super excited, even though labor could still be a week or more away. But I don’t know how to bring that intensity into this blog. I feel like I have not involved you all in the day to day of this pregnancy…party because I am not pregnant, partly because I got a job and don’t have as much blogging energy, and lastly, because I never was able to transform this TTC blog successfully into a pregnancy blog.
I remember how hard it was for me, at times, to look at other people’s belly shots, to comment when they were discussing crib bumpers. It isn’t that I feel guilty about being pregnant. Not quite. No. Right now I greatly enjoy the breastfeeding talk, the sleeping woes, the belly shots…on other people’s blogs. But this blog has always felt like a TTC journal, a place for support during the very shitty journey trying to make this baby. But now I feel sad that I have not blogged more about this part of the journey.
I feel close so CLOSE to attaining this impossible feeling goal, to having this baby, to holding her, finally, smelling her baby head, and I don’t know how to share it on this blog. Somehow I am not talking to you about how the excitement mixes with fear and it feels like my throat is closing. I’m not blogging about how it felt to tie the bumper to the crib, how I almost cried at the pure joy of it. I trust that if people need to not read about it, they will skip it. I do. But the intensity of this time doesnt’ come pouring out of me here. I am reluctant. Withholding. Maybe I’m just afraid it will all burn down before my eyes if I blog about the closeness, the delicate ‘almost’ feeling I have in the pit of my stomach every day when we are so close to meeting her. Shoot. I don’t know what I’m saying. I just feel confused, and sad, and I don’t know how to explain it, when really I’m happy. WTF?