dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Yeah, Yeah, the MIL thing AGAIN April 2, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 7:27 pm

S talked to her mom today, who is both saying the right thing (‘whatever you guys need’) and pulling the guilt (‘I really want to be there for the birth’) and we are back in the nightmarish land of Mother-In-Law. She called to ask S what the “final decision” is about the birth, and whether she can be there. Who calls to ask this? This is the 3rd time she has asked about it. Sheesh. Back it up bi-atch.

When I made my big concession (which can be read about here and here) a few months ago it was a huge relief. I decided that S could make the decision about her mom and I would deal with it. I have never in the history of this blog had so many comments on a post that wasn’t a. announcing pregnancy or b. announcing a deadbabydisaster. This is a giant heated topic. Two moms, two pregnancies, who makes the decisions.

Her decision is…

MIL can be in the hospital for the labor, visit once, and then come in for the birth.

I think to S this is a big compromise. This is her listening to my needs and wants. This is supposed to make me happy or at least be palatable. I know we have been through this before, my internet friends. I know that almost everyone feels that this should be S’s decision. Ultimately I have let it be her decision. But that doesn’t mean I like it. Her being there for the most important part is sickening to me. I appreciate that S is trying to minimize her time with us, but it doesn’t feel like a compromise at all.

I hate it. I hate every second of it and I have to suck it all up and accept her decision. So I will.

But it fucking sucks. I can pretend to S that I am okay with it, which I am planning to do, but the truth is: I hate it.

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16 Responses to “Yeah, Yeah, the MIL thing AGAIN”

  1. christine Says:

    I am so sorry. I wish you peace in these upcoming weeks.

  2. R Says:

    I am sorry. It’s so hard when it comes to our own families sometimes when we want to make everyone happy. It just sucks. NO other way to describe it. I will send you positive energy!!

  3. Calliope Says:

    When I was reading this my first thought was, well that wasn’t much of a compromise. So you are not alone in those thoughts.
    You get points, gold stars, whatevers for being able to step aside and yield in a massive and gracious way. You are putting S’s needs before yours and on paper that sounds easy enough- but let’s be real. This is a MIL we are talking about. ugh.

    But you can SO vent about it to us. I will flick anyone that says you can’t.

    Sending much love. And just know that your assignment is to gather ALL of the annoying MIL things that happen so that we can collectively roll our eyes with you.

    xoxo

  4. Chicory Says:

    I forget, did you get a doula? Because if you did, and you fill her in on the MIL situation, she should be able to keep the MIL out of your way for the birth and you’ll be so busy and engrossed that you may not even notice her there…

    I know, fat chance, but still, i’m trying to think practically here as what’s done is done.

    Compromises always suck. For everyone. It’s too bad there was no reaching a consensus here.

  5. Liza Says:

    It sounds like this was really hard, and I am way impressed that you are trying to suck it up and venting your frustrations to us. Personally, I think IL stuff is close to the hardest stuff we have to deal with in relationships.

    FWIW, against my inclinations, I agreed to have my MIL at Noah’s birth. She came to stay with us the day before I was due, with a return ticket for a week later. My water broke 9 hours before her flight home, and to my surprise, she still went home on time. Noah didn’t come until the next day.

    So you never know exactly how things will work out — I turned out to get exactly what I wanted, while simultaneously agreeing to what Jill wanted. Maybe some strange karmic blessing will work out in your favor too.

  6. Susan Says:

    I am sad for you too. Because that doesn’t sound like compromise at all! MIL knows this…that when S is in labor that “1 visit” is going to become a marathon one! Urgh. Lets just hope that waffle recipies birth will over shadow all the gluttony of the MIL and that when you hold YOUR DAUGHTER that it will trump all!!!

  7. Sometimes, compromises teach us things that we would not otherwise have learned. (Though I agree that this does not seem like a compromise.) FWIW, your MIL doesn’t seem like she has boundaries and this “compromise” doesn’t seem quite enforceable. With someone like your MIL, it would seem that it would have to be a black and white deal, no room for interpretation. It seems like there is a lot of room for grey in this decision. I’m sorry.

  8. neeeekeeeee Says:

    Hey, I came across your blog from a link on someone else’s. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry the birth situation with your MIL is so hard and I hope that karma intervenes and makes it easier on you. We have tough MIL stuff in our relationship too surrounding births (my mom got locked out of the birth ward during my sister’s labor by the nurses.). Wishing you both peace.

  9. I can only speak from my own experience of hating any situation that seemed to be “forced” on me, and that is, the more you hate it and the more you resist against it, the more it will eat you up and try to take over your life. MIL is S’s mother, and that’s not going to change, regardless of how horrid she is, and I completely believe you when you describe how bad she is. As long as you “assume” she is going to be awful, she will live up to your expectations. If you can work at becoming more “neutral” towards her between now and the birth, it may actually be easier than you think.

    As always, try to focus on the event that you and S have worked SO HARD for, and that is the birth of your long-awaited daughter. All the rest of those folks flittering out on the edges, wanted or not, are way down on the list of importance compared to that.

    I wish you joy and peace in your heart about this. Life it too short to borrow such trouble!

    GG

  10. cooler*doula Says:

    I’ll pray for two flat tires, shall I? Hers of course.

    Sorry about this. I do agree – not much of a compromise.

    I’ll continue to hope that it works out just the same – as someone else said – Birth… Fantastically unpredictable…

  11. e. Says:

    sorry it feels so sucky to you.

    we NEVER would have planned to have my mom at Mr. E’s birth, but it happened, very organically, and i was so comforted. there were several really scary points and all i wanted was my mother by my side, because to me she is comfort.

    hopefully you’ll be so engrossed in the birth and she will be an after thought to you, while at the same time fill S’s wishes as well.

  12. leo Says:

    darn, this stuff is so hard. one of the things i struggle with, having a boundary-challenged mil as well, is that i’m never totally sure which choice is truly supporting my wife, because a big part of my discomfort with the mil is how bad she makes my wife feel. but then it’s not up to me to regulate that relationship. anyway, i feel for you, and am wishing you and s much joy on the actual day. (-longtime lurker)

  13. Joul Says:

    Aww. Your mother in law situation just plain sucks. My MIL also wants to be there while my wife gives birth…. NO WAY I’m going to let that happen! I hope you two can come up with a more appropriate compromise or a whole new plan !
    Here’s hoping!
    -Joul

  14. scarredbellybutton Says:

    I wonder if, when the times comes, perhaps S won’t even want her there? You just never know.

  15. Jan Says:

    hmmm, I agree that this isn’t really a compromise which is why you continue to be angry. One commenter said you should keep track and report all of your MIL’s annoyances —no, please don’t do that. That requires that you are paying more attention to her than to S and the birth experience. You will truly be miserable then. I think the doula suggestion is a great one. Perhaps you and S can agree to some specifics, e.g., a time limit on the “one visit during labor” and where precisely MIL will stand (her position) during the birth and who the baby will be handed to first, second, etc. Write all this out in a birth plan and give to one of the nurses (or the doula) to enforce. Might this be helpful?

  16. Clare Says:

    You are a good woman! How lucky is S to have you. Take care of yourself – it is bloody hard work sucking up something you hate. Sigh – I am hopeless at it


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