as we approach a seemingly absurd week of pregnancy, week THIRTY, i am beginning to panic. i’m starting to think about the woman in my birthclass for Smarty who did not come to our birthclass reunion because her baby died in utero at 38 weeks for no reason. she had to give birth anyway. i’m starting to feel nauseated when i think about all our bills and how messy our house is and how totally unprepared it is for a baby who will probably weight about 7 pounds and who needs 94 pounds of gear. i’m remembering, just kinda, what long term sleep deprivation feels like and it ain’t pretty. i’m remembering how i only get 3 weeks off with this baby, 1 week sick pay, 1 week vacation, and 1 unpaid week. that is all i get because i’m not the freakin birth mom.
it is scary being so close to having something i so desperately want.