dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

so.much.better January 14, 2008

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 10:19 am

After many talks S and I are doing super. We are planning to see a counselor together, or S will go alone to get some help regarding how to talk to MIL. Calls have been made. Apologies are abundant.

And we are going to get a doula.

And we are going to not have her in the room for laboring, just for delivery.

Thank you for all of your lengthy and thoughtful comments.

After my concession we both were able to come from a place of understanding. What came up for S is that she overprotects her mom, and doesn’t know how to assert appropriate boundaries. What came up for me is that MIL (who has had genetics issues in the past, but doesn’t express any of that now) represents my disconnection from my kid. And she is more genetically related to Pip! That part just eats me.

S was really able to empathize with this and we are even considering just having us two in the room. As some of you wondered, when I felt that MIL had power over me regarding the birth, it was threatening to my position as Pip’s mother. When I expressed this ugly thing to S, and it came out into the light, I was like oh, hi, you are scared to have a kid that is not related to you…you are terrified that MIL, because of genetics is more related to Pip. And it’s true. Sucky but true.

What I needed was to feel again how much this child is mine. Once I did I was able to deal with the MIL issue very differently.

Amazing how deep scary insecurity covers the world in fear. I never understood the powerlessness of this position before.

Anyway, I’m back to myself. As a mom, as a wife.

Presently I know how much our Pip is my daughter, even though my role is different this time. I’m back to crazy excitement when I feel her move in S’s belly. I’m back to complaining about our pregnancy buddy (same due date week) who is nauseatingly chipper about her pregnancy. Don’t get me started on that.

You know what pitiful thing I’m grateful for in this moment? The fact that I am really sick and instead of caring for a child I have the morning to recline on the couch with menthol cough drops and juice and watch TV. Oh the luxury of a sick day. Well, a sick morning. I do have to haul out of here and pick him up from preschool in 3 hours, but fuck if I’m going to do anything other than watch daytime TV until then.

More later on a list I’m compiling of the joys of nonbio motherhood I plan to enjoy the eff out of.

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15 Responses to “so.much.better”

  1. vee Says:

    I’m glad you two are working your way to the bottom of this, and grateful that you aired it for us all to mull over. It’s brought up some really important issues and even though I’ve only watched from the sidelines, what I’ve read here and in the comments has been valuable. Thanks.

  2. What a relief. I know you both have miles to go before the finish line, but I am even more confident now than before that the two of you will get through this together!

    Sorry to hear you are sick đŸ˜¦

  3. dlvc Says:

    Hooray! Keep going and hopefully you’ll feel physically better soon too. You’ve generated some great conversations at our house, and we thought we’d pretty much talked about all of these things already!

  4. Jude Says:

    Oh this is wonderful, fantastic news!

    Gooooo team!

  5. Calliope Says:

    glad the peace talks were good.
    sorry you are hugging the menthol drops today.
    wish we could have a get together soon.
    xo

  6. TTC4years Says:

    I love crazy excitement! You 2 are so awesome, and have this communication stuff in the bag… there are going to be 2 lucky little kids!

  7. ~ d Says:

    so glad you are able to find some light to help you navigate through these tricky waters… must less productive to sit around in silence without looking deeper and let it all fester (ask me how I know). I deeply admire your willingness and ability to dive head first into to this messy, mucky thing and figure it out.

  8. Lo Says:

    Could you post that list soon?? I am not having a good day.

  9. mrsbluemont Says:

    it’s taken me a bit to get caught up, but i’m so glad i did. i love this blog and am so inspired by your family and the amazing way you have navigated though these difficulties. my partner angi says that i should pay close attention to you because she think’s you’ve “got it.” i agree.

    hope you feel better soon.

  10. “Oh the luxury of a sick day…”
    Sister, I am sooo with you on that one, lol! I was feeling the same way last week, when I couldn’t go to work and thus got a break from my students ;o)

    And I am so, so glad that you two are in a better place now, relationship/motherhood/family-wise!

    *rooting for you all*

  11. holly Says:

    TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY understand.
    We had a moment IN THE HOSPITAL where the s**t hit the fan about my MIL. Counselling after the boy was born was a necessity due to the need for us to communicate with each other about where we stood with each other as parents and how we would tackle the roles of others.
    There are some moments that are hard as the non-bio mom. Always here if you need to vent!

  12. byrdlady Says:

    i’m really sorry i missed this whole issue in my self-inflicted isolation…
    But i am really glad you guys are coming together on it and figuring out what’s going to work best for both of you. It’s definitely a difficult situation, but i know you guys will work it out.

  13. Clemency Says:

    So glad things are better. Sounds unreal.

  14. ohchicken Says:

    i tagged you over at wearefambly.wordpress.com đŸ™‚

  15. CLare Says:

    Charlotte – I have been on holidays and just logged on – and read this post and I hope my post isn’t one of those your refer to. I would hate to think that I added in any way to your anguish. I am going to write a post on being the nonbio mum I think (i never think of myself as the nonbio mum btw usually I think of myself as the other mother) to my mind it is more complex being the second other mother in someways and it was this I was trying to say. I agree it isn’t ‘her birth’ in that all that you think or feel about it should be foresaken but I do think it is important to make enough space for the birthing/breastfeeding parent to find their own way (and usually my experience has been that this is not at odds with the way I would choose/prefer/wish things to be – but sometimes it is different). I think this is a much harder task for those of us who have done it first! Does that make sense?

    I am only back from hols this week, and have had a horrible fall on a slippery muddy slope while we were camping. But as soon as I am up for a long stint on the computer I will try and express it more clearly. Please forgive me if my earlier post was harsh or not supportive … it certainly wasn’t meant like that.

    Clare


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