i have never anticipated an event like i am anticipating this gender determining ultrasound. the closer we get the more i am admitting how badly i want a girl. i don’t wish LM was a girl. i know i will love whoever this baby is, but i wantwantwant a daughter and i wantwantwant to be done TTC forever and ever. and honestly? i just want something about this whole fucking process to be in my control, to be easy, to be what I WANT. me me me. what i want. please? ridiculous, i know. whiny too. but whatever. i can’t help it.
S and i had a lovely fight about this yesterday. i need to be able to be sad if it is a boy (for a while, much like i did when we found out LM was a boy). S takes me being sad as a rejection of the baby she is carrying. i take that to imply this is her baby and somehow i should feel differently about it because she is carrying it. blah blah, fight ensues. we worked it out, but navigating these very delicate feelings is tricky. jesus.h. i am so grateful we have some communication skills or it would have turned ugly.