two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Phew December 30, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 11:49 am

Even though it doesn’t make sense I am so fucking relieved to get past 22 1/2 weeks. This is when WTF’s (complicated mama’s) baby died. Although the confluence of events leading up to her delivering a dead baby were complex and totally unrelated to anything we are experiencing, we have half the genetic material of her kids AND I was there for that birth and it was…traumatic, to say the least. So.

I am exhaling a little more as we pass 22 1/2 weeks. I am also remembering Little Charlotte, especially because, I am realizing just as I’m typing this, that our baby will be exactly the same age as LC was when she died, today. She died the day before New Years eve, 2 years ago at 22 1/2 weeks. Our baby is 22 1/2 weeks, today.



december with my kid and CONGRATULATIONS December 27, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 10:49 pm

It really is that good to celebrate this otherwise consumery, family obligation filled time of year with a tiny one who just sees the marvelousness. Our little guy makes me remember why the whole thing is magical. It isn’t about presents for him (partly because we don’t make it about presents…not much Santa talk going on here).

This year, this season is all sparkly lights, candles, putting a tree in our house, holding hands, and talking about raindeer who fly. And of course Hanukkah. Smarty brought home a menorah he made in preschool a few weeks ago. It is pink and sparkly with bolts glued to the top that the candles fit in.

Last year when we lit the menorah candles he sang “happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear menorahhhhhh,” and blew out all the candles.

Plus, a big fat congratulations to Cali, who is pregnant after a very, very long road. It is early, I know, but for fuck’s sake I am so happy for her! Pregnant! There are not enough exclamation marks in the world.



sometimes it’s good December 22, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 11:22 am

Life, that is.

Yesterday was winter solstice, and as S and I sat eating our celebration dinner together, alone, on a date in a romantic modern restaurant, and we cried. We cried right over our pumpkin ravioli with pecorino cheese, hazelnuts, and crispy sage in browned butter.

It was the darkest night of the year and the light was coming.


wow December 21, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 10:24 pm

I got the job!

They hired me immediately after the interview. They hugged me.

I am starting in mid January. Three 10 hour days, and 5 hours of paperwork I must do on my days off. Plus a 2 hour meeting on one of my days off.

It’s good. It means we won’t foreclose on our house. So yay. And when I added up the vacation, sick time and holidays, it was 39 days total. That is 8 weeks of paid time off per year, plus full health benefits (for me only, but still), and I make my own schedule, working whenever I want as long as I get the job done.

But holy shit. I am starting a full time job in January. I am so the dad all of a sudden.


i’m freaking out December 20, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 6:46 pm

studying like crazy for my interview friday. overdid the caffeine. overdid the sugar. feeling amped, zoomy and unable to concentrate on the massive amounts of information/skills i pretended i knew about and now must prove at the interview. my potential boss gave me three pieces of information when i talked to her yesterday, two good, one bad:

1. “you are one of our top contenders for the job, and i’m really looking forward to meeting you.”

2.  “lets both just agree that we don’t have to dress up for the interview, is that okay?”

and 3. “unfortunately for you we just did a major overhaul on the interview process and it is now very intense and difficult. be prepared for a long interview and you will be asked to demonstrate [read PROVE] your clinical skills.”

i am so nervous i feel like puking. although i have mixed feelings about this job and getting any job, i really need it. it has very very flexible hours and TONS of vacation and sick days (like 3 weeks vacation, 2 weeks sick leave plus 12 paid holidays), and did i mention how badly we need the money?

side note: in addition to being hopped up on caffeine and sugar it is hard to concentrate while my n@ked Smarty watches tv (i need to study!) right next to me (‘mommy don’t leeeeave’) while yanking on things.  ugh.


the job interview December 19, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 10:03 am

for those who know me IRL, you may be surprised to know how much I despise job interviews. you see i am fairly outgoing and straightforward, and i might even interview well, but oh how i hate it.

top ten reasons i extra hate the interview that i have THIS fucking friday:

1. i kinda “exaggerated” my skills

2. it involves making exactly zero cakes

3. i don’t want to work

4. i don’t want to work with kids (this job is working with kids in the foster care system)

5. i will miss Smarty

6. it is full time, which is like zero to sixty in one second

7. i will miss Smarty so much

8. i NEED this job like crazy, and i hate being needy

9. i don’t want to be the breadwinner

10. what if they don’t even hire me? fuck them. i don’t want the job anyway.
see? i’m unfit. i am going to go crawl in a corner. i’m schlumpy and out of practice and loosing what little confidence i had that i’m good at what i do, or articulate, or hireable.


sperm comes from b@lls December 17, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 10:42 am

Yes, indeed.

The day we found out the baby (who I need a new nickname for) was a girl, Smarty asked very insistently how the baby got in Mama’s tummy. The last time he ventured into this subject he was asking me how he came out of my belly. He wondered if there was a “crack down the middle of my tummy.” When I told him that babies usually come out of vagin@s, he said “noooooooooooo!”. I said, “yes, in fact they do. That is where you came out.” He then started *crying*. Through his tears he yelled, “NO mommy not I did NOT come out of your vagin@, I didn’t.”

He cried more.

I felt like such an asshole. Obviously I was traumatizing my kid, but I wasn’t going to lie to him. I refuse. I picked him up and comforted him, and after a while he calmed down and asked, “is there a hole in your vagin@?” I mean seriously. He was 2 1/2. I was terrified this information was going to end up at preschool…how his mommy told him all about the hole in her vagin@. But I answered “yes” and grimaced, waiting for the meltdown but he just said “okay” then asked “did the hole get really big?” I nodded. He nodded. Apparently, if there is a hole, the entire thing is fine.

I digress. This time he was asking how the baby got in there. We tried the whole ‘the baby grew in there isn’t that cool’ avoidance answer, but that doesn’t work with him. So we looked at each other, shrugged, and told him. These conversations always happen at very random moments, like in the car. Like when I was driving alone with him a few months ago and he pipes up with “why don’t I have a daddy?” But I digress, again.

So we told him that women have eggs and men have sperm and the sperm has to fertilize the egg, in the woman’s body (this was not the time for an IVF lesson). Then the baby grows from that egg. The end, right? Nope.

Smarty: “how did you get the sperm in her body?”

Us: [you see I want to avoid the vagina talk with him] “Our friend Rocket Man helped us by giving us sperm.”

Smarty: “But where did you put it?”

Us: [holding breath] “In her vagina, then the sperm swam up into her uterus, which is in her tummy.”

Smarty: “Yeah but how did you carry the sperm to Mama?”

Us: “We put it in a cup.”

Smarty: “yeah, I bet the sperm would fit in there.”

[Long pause. maybe we’re done?]

Smarty: “where does the man’s sperm com from?”

Us: [Seriously? Haven’t we had enough difficult surprise questioning?] “Um, sperm comes from…balls.”

Smarty: “oh.”


And it’s finally over.