I changed my ticker back to the May 1st due date based on the fact (haha!) that the ultrasound machine popped out the May 1st due date at this “dating” ultrasound! Yay! I know it is silly, but the fact that the machine agreed with our calculations (fuck you pregnancy wheel) was immensely satisfying.
My faith is fickle. I never know if I can depend on it. I am skeptical, scientific and prone to worry. Lucky me. When I Dr. Go.ogle things I don’t just read random horror stories. I read medical articles and studies. I got myself a bit worked up reading scary shit in medical journals like increased risk for miscarriage, pre-term labor, low birth weight and get this higher risk of stillborn birth. Great. Fucking great.
It appears that the risks depend on some factors, such as maternal age (on the bad side of that one), gestational age (on the bad side of that one, the earlier it is detected the worse the prognosis), size of the hemorrhage (we are on the good side of that one for now), and its location, etc. Apparently they are common and mostly turn out ok. But still. Come on. Can we get some solidly good news?
I am forcing myself to trust Dr. PSS, who also had a SH/VT when she was pregnant with twins a few years ago, and thinks we will be fine. I know that often they absorb.
Many of you had a SH or your friends have, and it seems to have gone well for all or most of them. I am taking that to heart. I am breathing. It is terrifying, though, the hope.
I have to believe this SH will absorb, but the whole thing gives me pause. It gives my poor brain just enough real devastating information to have big doubts, and unfortunately the increased risks are not over after the 1st trimester. Fucking bummer that I am now worrying about pre-term labor and a dead baby at birth. I don’t know how I am going to get around this, but I have to. I cannot spend this whole pregnancy terrified.
I am forcing myself, therefor, to name it. I want an adjective maybe, like Wily, or Clever. Or maybe a cute or yummy object. Crackerjack? Lovely? Or maybe an ordinary name like Joe. But it needs to be gender neutral. But they all suck. I mean Shannon? Tracy? Chris? Hells no. Actually Chris kinda makes me chuckle.
LM is being so adorable about the whole thing. I asked him what we should call the baby while it is growing and he said. “Da-SA, yes, Dasá.” Dasá? Today he said “Mommy, is Mama’s belly going to get big? (yes, honey) When? [pause] I think in a few months.”
LM is talking all the time about the baby’s size, holding two fingers together from both hands and saying “see the space between my fingoes? THAT is how big the baby is.” Or he’ll bring me a tiny chip of crayon and say “Mommyseethis? THIS is how big Mama’s baby is. Yes. It is.”
My faith returns, for him, because the alternative is just too dark.