two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

faith September 18, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 8:48 pm

I changed my ticker back to the May 1st due date based on the fact (haha!) that the ultrasound machine popped out the May 1st due date at this “dating” ultrasound! Yay! I know it is silly, but the fact that the machine agreed with our calculations (fuck you pregnancy wheel) was immensely satisfying.

My faith is fickle. I never know if I can depend on it. I am skeptical, scientific and prone to worry. Lucky me. When I Dr. Go.ogle things I don’t just read random horror stories. I read medical articles and studies. I got myself a bit worked up reading scary shit in medical journals like increased risk for miscarriage, pre-term labor, low birth weight and get this higher risk of stillborn birth. Great. Fucking great.

It appears that the risks depend on some factors, such as maternal age (on the bad side of that one), gestational age (on the bad side of that one, the earlier it is detected the worse the prognosis), size of the hemorrhage (we are on the good side of that one for now), and its location, etc. Apparently they are common and mostly turn out ok. But still. Come on. Can we get some solidly good news?

I am forcing myself to trust Dr. PSS, who also had a SH/VT when she was pregnant with twins a few years ago, and thinks we will be fine. I know that often they absorb.

Many of you had a SH or your friends have, and it seems to have gone well for all or most of them. I am taking that to heart. I am breathing. It is terrifying, though, the hope.

I have to believe this SH will absorb, but the whole thing gives me pause. It gives my poor brain just enough real devastating information to have big doubts, and unfortunately the increased risks are not over after the 1st trimester. Fucking bummer that I am now worrying about pre-term labor and a dead baby at birth. I don’t know how I am going to get around this, but I have to. I cannot spend this whole pregnancy terrified.

I refuse.

I am forcing myself, therefor, to name it. I want an adjective maybe, like Wily, or Clever. Or maybe a cute or yummy object. Crackerjack? Lovely? Or maybe an ordinary name like Joe. But it needs to be gender neutral. But they all suck. I mean Shannon? Tracy? Chris? Hells no. Actually Chris kinda makes me chuckle.

LM is being so adorable about the whole thing. I asked him what we should call the baby while it is growing and he said. “Da-SA, yes, Dasá.” Dasá? Today he said “Mommy, is Mama’s belly going to get big? (yes, honey) When? [pause] I think in a few months.”

LM is talking all the time about the baby’s size, holding two fingers together from both hands and saying “see the space between my fingoes? THAT is how big the baby is.” Or he’ll bring me a tiny chip of crayon and say “Mommyseethis? THIS is how big Mama’s baby is. Yes. It is.”

My faith returns, for him, because the alternative is just too dark.


14 Responses to “faith”

  1. Sully Says:

    “And a child shall lead them” Follow DS lead, absorb some of his faith, and you shall come through virtually unscathed.

    I know the fear following a miscarriage…but try to be in the moment for the munchkin on the way. I think you should call him/her “Blue” after all your first bit of hope came when you sized him to be a blueberry 🙂

  2. Sully Says:

    “DS” is darling son btw…

  3. Calliope Says:

    I was going to suggest Blueberry as well…or Grover 🙂
    I think getting to a place where you can let the hope in will be hard, but you are so on your way.LM is certainly using his brilliant ways to crowbar the hope in there.
    sending sooo much love to you.

  4. TTC4years Says:

    LM is too darn cute for words…

    As for the rest- my yoga teacher always says- live in this moment- it will never come again.

    Hard to do in life, but that is the only way to stay sane:)

  5. katarinajellybeana Says:

    I manage to keep my faith not by believing in God, but by believing in the possibility of God. Maybe not enough for the purists, but enough for me when the dark times hit.

    As for naming the unnamed yet babeus, I have always been partial to Phoebe. That was my niece’s choice for my nephew. I think she just liked how it sounded as her parents were reading a baby name book aloud.

  6. Becky Says:

    Hi! I wanted to delurk and tell you that with my last pregnancy, I had a SH that caused a bit of bleeding at about 8 weeks. My son is now 5 months old and has earned himself the nickname “Tenacious A.” My thoughts and prayers are with you because I know how stressful it is to be in that limbo.

  7. gold star Says:

    Terry. Gene.

    You are strapped in now, girl. Ride this rollercoaster and just try not to puke over the side.

    I hope with all my might that the excitement soon spills over for you. You deserve that.

  8. carey Says:

    I hope all of this resolves without incident on it’s own… it’s certainly not all that uncommon to have and as people have commented, healthy babies have been born to women in the same situation. I know it’s scary when you want everything to just go smoothly, for once!! I know, I know… it seems like there is always something. I agree with TTC4years, live in the moment. Take it day by day. And yeah, def. get that repeat u/s in 2 weeks 🙂

  9. temmerling Says:

    well shiver me timbers! I missed the boat on congratulating ye on the wee babe within. Hope’s a fickle mistress, like her sister the Sea; jest when you be reachin’ out to grab yerself a wave and touch the water, a giant crocodile jumps out and bites the hand straight off. And ye count yerself lucky that that’s all the fearsome beasty took.

  10. tonya cinnamon Says:

    as i am siting here eating hasgen dazs dulce de leche.. all i can think for a name is carmel 😉
    will try harder though ummmi know kiwi ^__^
    hugs you two mammas

  11. lagiulia Says:

    I don’t know what to say exactly. Coming from a place where the first part of my pregnancy was fine and the later part not so fine, I don’t have faith in myself for imagined future pregnancies. It’s just gone. I guess I think that until you have that baby in your arms,… well, I don’t know. But on the other hand, I did my damnedest to enjoy my pregnancy, even when throwing up for every month of it and with a tube of medicine living in my leg. It was still MY pregnancy, and I did enjoy it in some way, even with all the fear present. I really did. I hope you do too. I think you are great and can’t wait to support you and hear your thoughts throughout this pregnancy.

  12. Co Says:

    When I got pg, many people told me that “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” is best used as kindling because it just tends to worry pregnant women and their partners for no good reason. While medical and scientific journals are indeed good sources of info, I wonder if you might actually feel better if you did less “data mode” than you’re doing. Something can *always* go wrong and it does for some people and medical studies will point out those instances. But what any of those risk factors mean for you and S. as an individual couple may not matter much. For example, the rate of stillbirth in the U.S. is about 0.8% of all births. So even if having an SH/VT doubles S’s chances of having a stillbirth, that would only raise her chances to 1.6%… still effing unlikely. Across a population of people, that number is important. For any one individual? Not so meaningful.

    After 9/11, the grief counselor who came to talk to my downtown Manhattan office suggested very kindly to me that I stop reading The Nation and my other political magazines obsessively. I thought doing so was helping me deal. But she said it was okay not to be totally informed about everything going on in the world and that I might feel better if I stopped trying to be. She was right. I stopped reading those pieces. Not trying to understand everything about international politics did make it easier for me to get back to my regular life, especially since knowledge alone wasn’t going to protect me from something bad happening… it just made me worry about it more. I just wonder if maybe taking a break from data mode might help you in a similar way. This may be a truly lousy idea and you can disregard it, of course, but I figured I’d suggest it.

    Hang in there. Your family is in my thoughts.

  13. Tricia Says:

    I like Blue too except for the blue mood link…

    How about Wiley?

    You said “This kid is wily.” Made me think of willy, Nilly which led to Wiley… coyote…

  14. amanda Says:

    i think it’s wonderful that he is there to keep your faith alive. Good for you, for choosing a name–i’m looking forward to hearing what you choose!

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