dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

all good things are not equal August 27, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 4:30 pm

OK, so there is someone in my family who is like a brother to me and he calls my mom “mom” and I have known him for 18 years. I will not go into the details because it would be a soap-opera-y novella, but just trust me that he is like family. He loves out of state, and he just got married in July. His now wife used to be so anti kids that it was not even a vague option for her to have babies. Over the years she softened to the idea, and as soon as he proposed, they decided they really did want kids after all but would wait until they were married to start trying.

Try they did…on their honeymoon. And pregnant they got.

If you asked me to choose when they would be pregnant, I would say: right now. If you asked me if I would wish upon anyone I love the misery, blood, tears, fighting, emotional drain, changes of plans, jealousy and brokenheartedness of unsuccessfully trying to make a baby, I would say: never. Am I happy for them? Yes. Am I happy for S that she has someone to be pregnant with? Yes. Totally. Hey, thank fucking god we are pregnant, right? Otherwise this news would have sliced me right open.

So why am I close to tears? These are not happy tears, although I am very, very happy for them. These are the tears of someone who trudged through hell (you know these trenches full of shit all too well) every month for years to get pregnant and someone else did nothing but have sex a few times, and the result is the same. Pregnant. Ultimately, we played a hellish lottery for over 2 years and they played a fun lottery for 2 days, and we both won. Good news for them. Good news for us. But I still feel like crying.

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13 Responses to “all good things are not equal”

  1. TTC4years Says:

    I oftened wondered if I would be made instantly whole if I ever did manage to have a baby.. I read an article, written by a man no less, that captured the whole thing for me- You never really do stop feeling some of those nagging infertile blues-and it goes just like you described- you are blissful for your own pregnancy, but still hate the first timers..

    SO the bad news- infertility leaves a mark- good news- it is normal. Not to be feeling guilty or weird about it…

  2. Calliope Says:

    ah….effing dualities.
    & seriously, it’s unfair. It just is.
    love you

  3. gold star Says:

    you sum it up perfectly.

    I hate that shit, because I am so the type of person who has to fight off the strong urge to shun people who just off and get pregnant like that. I feel they owe me an apology or offering of some sort.

    especially because in most cases my relationship is 100 times better than theirs.

  4. Clare Says:

    My brother and his then on-again off-again girl friend got pregnant while they were off-again by accident. He told me they would get used to it.

    I was in my previous relationship and had just miscarried. I had been having sex every second day for 3.5 years and failing to get pregnant each month(which sounds like fun to anyone who hasn’t done it) and although I did not know it yet still had another 10 months of the same month by month failure to go.

    It sucked. I cried. A lot.

    But as things turned out our kids are 9.5 months apart. They love each beyond reason and across state lines. It turned out okay. Actually it turned out great.

    And although I am still somewhere inside infertile. I am also a mother (twice over now) and somehow that has crept into my being as above the other. I know it will for you too.

    But for now it is okay to cry and kick and scream at the injustice of it.

  5. Sully Says:

    Dont’ you hate it when those bitter sweet moments hit you like a 9 pound sledge hammer….

  6. frog Says:

    I totally hear you. My brother’s wife is going to give birth in a few weeks–they married in November and got pregnant on her first cycle.

    Me, I’m liquidating the diaper stash I’ve amassed during a few years of nesting.

    It’s not fair and I hate it.

  7. lagiulia Says:

    I hear you. I have a lot of weird, “unreasonable” reactions to very fertile people’s joyous news. And I have TWINS! That’s f-ed up. But what can you do? There’s baggage, and it’s not wrong, it just is.

  8. nycphoenix Says:

    I felt that way on many het couples and the lucky queer couples who just walked into an RE clinic and bam they were pregnant.

  9. Co Says:

    When I got pg, I did feel like a lot of the pain of TTC drizzled away. It was still there, but it wasn’t as acute any more.

    Still, it’s there though and it can get dredged up pretty easily, even as happy as I am about Flip. My MIL was trying to explain to me *how hard* it was for Lo’s sister that she got pg on the first try. “They expected to spend a year trying. To have it happen so fast, that was very hard and unsettling for them.”

    I replied, “Um, I’m so not the person to have this conversation with. I’d give anything to have that have been my experience.”

    “But can’t you see how that would be hard?”

    “No. It doesn’t sound oh so hard to me at all.”

    “But to have it happen…”

    “No.”

    She couldn’t understand why I just had no sympathy. Cry me (and my posse) a river!

  10. Trista Says:

    I just keep telling myself that it evens out. Some how I’m playing a fun lottery and winning where someone else is playing a hard one and not so much winning. I’m just not aware of how lucky I am on that score because I didn’t have to work so damn hard for it. And they probably hate me. Or hate that I have it so easy.

    It’s a grim sort of satisfaction, but I’ll take it.

  11. gypsygrrl Says:

    there is such an unfairness about it all. i was informed by a friend of mine (just starting a medical program damn near as intense as my nursing program) that she is SIX WEEKS PREGNANT. but a man, who had a gf and two other kids. and she is 43, and has a very ill mom (read: pretty much terminal lung CA – i expect her mom will die while she is in this program for 20 months) who she is responsible for 90% of her care, and she also *must* work full time.

    when she told me, all i thought was – DO NOT BITCH about TIMING to me. and my heart was heavy for all the trudging of everyone in the IVP.

    sorry to rant here. your blog touched a nerve. and a fear – that once i start trying to have my baby (you know, once i am done with school and can totally afford to me a SMC) that i wont be able to. ugh.

    sending ya’ll hugs!

  12. gypsygrrl Says:

    sorry for all the typos:
    – BY a man who HAS a gf/two kids
    – afford to BE a SMC

    aiy yi yi.

  13. amanda Says:

    i get it. i totally do. Go ahead and cry, because it just isn’t fair.


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