dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

How Do I Do This? August 22, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 2:27 pm

I don’t really know what to do with myself. Disastrous thinking is creeping in and I’m like “GET THE FUCK OUT”.

Even so, I don’t really know how to do this. I don’t know when to get the baby blanket out. Or when to sign up for the babyce.nter emails about the pregnancy. Or when to tell everyone. I put a ticker up, but whenever I look at it I wonder if I am tempting fate. Pregnancy after miscarriage? It feels so totally different than it did last time. It is not unabashed, and when someone said “congratulations”, I thought: Jesus, woman, congratulate me when we have a healthy baby in my arms.

Every ten minutes I look at the positive tests, disbelieving. I really don’t get it. I can’t grasp that this test means that we will have a baby…and it really doesn’t mean that. It means S is pregnant – this moment. Today. Today she is pregnant. Hallelujah.

.

So I have a ticker, and we told some people. We have not ‘celebrated’. Maybe we should. It just feels weird, and it is so.freaking.early.

Then there is THE STUFF. I have 3 different brands of OPKs, a Clearbl.ue Fert.ility Monitor, Monitor sticks, Pr.eSeed, a million cheapie HPTs, a thermometer, and our insem bag full of cups, paper towels, syringes, OPKs and among other crap. Charts of what to take and when to take it. The Clomid pamphlets, the progesterone information sheets from miscarriage pregnancy, and various printed charts and articles. Then there is the weird stuff I save, like the little fertility figurine someone gave me when I got pregnant (and that worked so well we have been lugging that thing to every insem since), and the small vial that the frozen sperm came in along with the paperwork showing the motility and other manly sperm stats. Not to mention pee sticks from this or that time that I might need to reference for whatever reason. Gross, I know. I realize that my accumulation of paraphernalia is nothing compared with an IVF drug spread, but still. It is a hefty amount of fertility related crap.

Sitting on our dresser, in our bookshelf, and on our dining room table.

All neatly categorized into wicker boxes and small Ike.a containers. TTIW (The Time It Worked) it took me weeks to come to the place where I could throw some of it away and neatly pack away the rest. By 7 weeks I was ruminating a post in my head asking when I should donate all of the remaining useful items.

Haha. Silly me.

I am certainly not so naive now, but do I really want it all sitting on my dresser? No I don’t. Will it cause a miscarriage to give it away? No it won’t. But will we need it again? I can’t say we won’t. Maybe the best I can do is pack it up and store it somewhere, but I have to say that getting that shit out of storage was one of the more painful things I did after the miscarriage. It was dreadful. So for now, everything is sitting in it’s place, untouched by news of pregnancy. Suspended in time. WTF said that when I am ready to move it I will know.

.

Today, S’s period is due, and she feels like it is coming. This happened TTIW too, but I still can’t believe she won’t bleed. I can’t believe we are not planning another trip to WTFs in 10 days.

.

You know what was satisfying though? Calling our OBGYN to tell them the news. Really good. I called to ask if S can have a beta.

.

So how are we doing? Today we are happy she is pregnant. Today I am holding my breath, afraid to exhale and see the whole thing disappear. Like if I move to quickly I will scare the little ball of cells right out of her uterus. I am still in shock. But the throwing of the caution to the fucking wind part felt really good the other night…

Today I am sitting here typing, and my wife is pregnant, and it is so unfuckingbelievably great, and I am totally terrified.

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17 Responses to “How Do I Do This?”

  1. shelli Says:

    How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

    In Judaism, we say “B’Ezrat HaShem” (With G-d’s help). There’s a lot of superstitions in Judaism, and I tend to follow the “be freaked out until there’s proof positive” variety.

    So between the lexapro and just trying to take things one day at a time, it’s all possible.

    Don’t rent billboard space yet, but DO celebrate each day. If the “suck” comes to pass? Deal with it then. Enjoy today, Keinahora, knock wood, spit, spit. But Do enjoy today – positive energy can go a LONG way.

    And again, Mazal Tov.

  2. ohchicken Says:

    i am the daughter of a mother who had 2 miscarriages before me. my mother (who was 40 at the time) wrestled with so many of the fears and questions and superstitions. i hope the one breath at a time approach helps ease the apprehension.

    and as a sidenote, this post was really beautifully written. my partner h and i have been thinking of you two.

    annie.

  3. Hope Says:

    You might not both be willing to let stuff go at the same time, so be prepared for that. Megan kept all of our positive peesticks lined up on the back of the toilet, um, until Quinn started standing on the toilet seat and retrieving them and leaving them around the house. (talk about yuck!…) Anyway, I kept telling her that indeed I really was pregnant and the proof was tearing through the house, but I still think she needed the reassurance or something. Megan would point to the line and tell Quinn, “That’s you.” Ok, I admit it. I did it some, too.

  4. I kept a journal. I miscarried at 11 1/2 weeks after trying to conceive for 6 years. I got pregnant 2 inseminations later with my daughter.
    After reading back about how scared I was to celebrate, to enjoy the moment(post miscarriage). I asked myself ? WHY ? What was it going to change. The outcome would be the same either way. I could either release my fears and enjoy the moment (to moment. to moment) or I could worry, stress, let myself be scared of things out of my control.
    Being happy now won’t make you any less sad, or any less angry if this doesn’t happen for you (which we all know it will 🙂 It just lets you relax and enjoy what’s happening.
    Haven’t you had enough stress and pain.
    Like you said before…throw caution to the wind.
    Relax, relate, release 🙂
    I wish I had…I wish I could go back and tell myself to experience what was happening to me.

    When do you get your beta ?

  5. nycphoenix Says:

    how to d it? a day at a time. a moment at a time.

    I don’t know what it feels like to be pregnant and to have the baby die, so I don’t know the pain but I do know that you’ll only kick yourself if you don’t embrace the joy for however long it lasts.

  6. Tricia Says:

    Wandering in… I lost three in between my two live births. You celebrate the pregnancy and share the news because wither way, you need support…

  7. Lo Says:

    As Shelli said, Judaism is such a superstitious motherf-in tradition that you do not have baby showers, and you are not, in fact, supposed to have any baby stuff until after the kid is out. Technically, you do not say “mazal tov” to a pregnant woman (which is the equivalent of “congratulations”), you say “bsha’a tova” which means “may it come at a good hour.”

    So, coming from that lunacy, even though (unlike you) I had *absolutely* no reason to tread with terror, only after we reached the 2nd tri was I willing to consider that we might be having a baby. (And it was some time after that before we did things like pass on our meds.)

    So yeah. One day at a time.

    P.S. I looooove your Grover ticker!!

  8. Co Says:

    All of these decisions are very personal. There is no right or wrong, especially after what you and S. have been through. Hugs.

  9. lagiulia Says:

    I am really happy for the both of you.

    I haven’t been through pregnancy loss, but I’ve been through other very hard things where hope and shattered hope are involved. And the only way I got through it was to be crazy whenever I needed to and then go back to the whole one-day-at-a-time thing, sometimes in determined numbness, sometimes in cautious optimism. You know, whatever gets you through the night, as they say. Take care.

  10. Calliope Says:

    GROVER!!!!
    Seriously- how can you look at that and not get giddy. Come on- just a bit?!
    I can only imagine the anxiety as this amazing news starts to sink in. And it is amazing. S is preggers!
    It is so hard to stop listening for the sound of the other shoe to drop.
    But this is a wonderful, wonderful thing and I hope, in between the obvious fear that will be under the skin, that you can have more days of happiness.
    xoxo

  11. barbara Says:

    I can only imagine what you are feeling right now as I am on my second cycle of trying again after loss. I think what you are experiencing is totally natural and unfortunately I think the feelings will probably hang around for a while (so I’ve heard) so my advice would be to try to not fight the feelings just try to let them be/co-exist with other feelings of joy. I’ll be thinking about you.

  12. byrdlady Says:

    You describe those emotions so well…i can completely feel what you guys must be going through. It’s got to be really interesting to be in this place again with the knowledge that you have now. i am so thrilled that S is pregnant, NOW, and that you guys can sit back a little and relax…after all this time.
    **So happy for you.

  13. temmerling Says:

    Today I am happy for you two, too. Tomorrow I will be happy for you two, too. And every day, until (if) a day comes when I’m heartbroken. And every day I’ll hope that I don’t need to be heartbroken for you. I’m thinking of that post of Bri’s about where her therapist had her put her hand out in the air and the feeling that there is no shame or embarrassment about putting your hand out for something that is supposed to be forthcoming and then isn’t… and that the grief is just has hard whether you put your hand out there in joy or not.

  14. oneofhismoms Says:

    Tears. Again.
    The happy kind sting less. I say don’t hold back on the joy unless you really need to. And stash that stuff in a box in a closet.

    Fingers ever crossed for you.

  15. oneofhismoms Says:

    Perhaps the happiness would feel more appropriate if you called it “a stronger hope” than “relief.”

  16. Cheek Says:

    I lost one. Then I had one. Then I lost one. With the one that actually became my boy, I was scared shitless the entire time. I wish I could have relaxed more, because it’s all just so f*cking random, and my feeling now is that they deserve to be celebrated, however long they end up staying with us.

    Nothing bad has happened yet. I’m really happy and excited for you.

  17. Clare Says:

    I realised (when I was finally pregnant again after a miscarriage and years of infertilty) at about the point you are now that this preganacy wouldn’t be the same as the last because I knew it was all toooo delicate and that there was fear to be had. My first pregnancy was PURE JOY I think my second was never like that – it was always tinged with fear. I don’t think I went to the loo once without checking my undies for blood. That said it was also amazing when he came – somehow maybe even just a tad more spectaular – because it seemed like he might just not! Does that make sense? Good wishes and enjoy when you and what you can


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