dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

where to begin July 30, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 2:58 pm

I hate this more than I have ever hated it before. After holding everything in all weekend (S bled the morning of the wedding) and a long car ride home (my mom was with us) I cried myself to sleep last night. For the first time in this process I am seriously considering quitting TTC all together, but even that is not satisfying to consider, because S and I want another child so badly that it isn’t a real option at all.
Last night I wanted to throw our fucking monitor out the fucking 2nd story window. I can hardly look at the god damned OPK sticks sitting neatly in the basket where they have been replenished time after time after time. 12 times to be exact. I am left to stare at chart #26 and I could just shoot myself. And all of this is taking a toll on our donors, who bless them, did not sign up for this. Last insem was especially taxing, seeing as RM has a newborn, and is working his ass off and had to deliver goods 4 night in a row when he was exhausted to the bone. The novely has worn off…and so has any excitement there once was.

I can barely even write about the full body discomfort I experience daily when forced to think about involving other people in this train wreck. If it did not feel like our last option, I would tell them never mind, we are so sorry to have put you through almost a year of this, please forgive us.

This has been our worst negative to date. I won’t bore you with the dye on the pregnancy test mishaps, or the amount of time we spend staring at tests, or how many we took, or how convinced we were that it worked – because it does not matter.

NOT PREGNANT.

We will be lucky at this point with a 4 year age difference between our kids. Lucky. And we only have so many more Clomid cycles to use up before we are referred to other options which we cannot afford under any circumstances.

Last night I recalled, cruelly, that we would be almost half way through the pregnancy. Alas, we have no baby and really might (IT COULD REALLY HAPPEN) pass our previous due date with nothing. Fucking nothing. I am begining to feel like the pregnancy was a fluke, and the dreams I have for our family seem further away than ever.

Forgive me if I sound like a whiny ass. I am at the end of a very worn down, pathetic rope.

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13 Responses to “where to begin”

  1. nycphoenix Says:

    You don’t sound whiny. You are very justifiably angry and grieivng. Than you for your honesty and for putting all those feelings out there so tht those of us who can’t express them can identify and with this solidarity we all can heal.

  2. j Says:

    i hate that you have to go through this and feel like this. It is not whiny at all. It’s a maddening process and we all deal the way we know how.

  3. K77 Says:

    It sucks ass that IF tx is so damn expensive. It is SO unfair that cost can be the deciding factor.

  4. Oh honey. The first AF after TTC after a mc is the hardest, really it is. It’s like the height of the storm.

    Please try to care for yourselves while you hang in there.

    xx

  5. Sully Says:

    You are not whinny. You are angry and that is completely understandable and justified!

  6. Bri Says:

    Keep talking, hon. It sucks more than words can say, but the words still help. Slowly. I am so sorry.

  7. cori Says:

    Winey…no. Sort of depressed…Yes. Sometimes you just need someone to vent to. This is the perfect place. Keep your chin up. Sometimes there are no words. i am so sorry.

  8. Lo Says:

    I am just so sorry.

  9. shelli Says:

    OK, and just because I always wear my devil’s advocate hat, despite my total love and adoration for you….

    And because I also seem to ever be the only adoptive mom that posts here…

    This sentence struck me: “because S and I want another child so badly.”

    I ask what’s more important to you – having a second child, or experiencing pregnancy?

    There’s more than one way to create family. I know you know this, but each time I hear another person get SO defeated by bfn after bfn, including my own, mind you, I just want to hold them up and show them that it can be beautiful.

    It can.

  10. Shannon Says:

    I’m so sorry. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and keeping hoping you’ll get good news.

  11. TTC4years Says:

    I know where you are at for sure, it isn’t whining. In my experience, these blogs are all that keep me together– I am on cycle 46 per Fertility friend- and probably 10 more can be added to that– not all were insems and medicated, and I have my own personal sperm supplier, but it doesnt feel good to keep getting that negative outcome over and over, no matter how you got there…

    When we lost our fertility coverage when I left my job last year, we knew the days of the dildo cam and other such fun were over– the cost is crazy!

    Stop kicking yourself- not getting the positive test is enough to kick you!! Seriously- you seem like a brilliant and wonderful person, and you will persevere no matter what happens next!!

  12. Co Says:

    I’m sorry. You have every right to feel upset and to grieve and to hate how long this is taking and how exhausting it is and to worry that you’ll never get another BFP. And I can see how this negative would be harder than others. The pain just seems to accumulate and build speed.

    Hang in there. We’re here for you no matter what.

  13. byrdlady Says:

    This sucks so bad for you guys. Don’t worry about being whiny for a second–you have a right to be angry, at your wit’s end. i completely know how that feels.
    And i hate it that for people who really WANT to have children it can be so f*cking difficult.
    We are thinking about you.


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