I’m not impressed by today’s ultrasound. One follicle measuring 16-17mm, a few others in the 10-12mm range. Lining was 8mm. Lat time (which worked) she had 2 follies on the right side (one 22mm and one 23mm) with a 9mm lining on CD12. So it looks like she’ll only drop one egg which our doctor was totally fine with. To me it sounds like we have a 50% less chance of it working with one egg versus 2 eggs. To me it sounds like a thinner lining (Dr. PSS was totally totally happy with the lining), less eggs, eggs that are not so plump as last time and all of that adds up to IT IS NOT GOING TO WORK. I know deeply that I should not have a lot riding on this try, but I do. I.So.Do.
I survived the fucking miscarriage believing that this try would work.
When I had to check on the follie sizes from last time I was searching this blog in March, which is a totally different season, and feels like eons ago. I feel close to crying again today, which I have not for weeks. And seeing all the pregnants in the waiting room, some with their toddlers just made it worse. We would have been a pregnant woman in a waiting room waiting for a happy ultrasound. We almost were.
I am desperately trying not to figure out how many weeks we would be right now, but I know it would be the second trimester, and S would be showing. Instead we are back to Clomid and monitoring ultrasounds and peeing on sticks, and doctors wands and being at the mercy of other people…we are back to waiting and hoping and feeling hopeless, and number obsessing. Yes, it could work this time, but it probably won’t (at best we have a 25% chance). And I’m pissed because in anticipating this day I assumed I would be filled with that beginning of the cycle hope, and I would be oh-so-happy to be able to try again. Instead I am depressed about the follicle numbers and simultaneously convinced this won’t worl slash every hope I have is riding on this try working. I am making myself totally miserable.
Can this work? I mean I think other people who have a less than stellar Clomid response don’t get pregnant after the miscarriage. Is this going to take months and months and months? I need to prep myself if it is. Was the first pregnancy a fucking fluke? A carrot waved in front of us so we keep running? It is so fucking depressing…the whole not being pregnant anymore thing. It really is.
But enough of my misery. About my cake. Thank you so much for all the props! I am hearing a lot of “you should make money doing this” from you and the friend I gave it to, but I have no earthly idea how to do that. None. I mean could it be worth my time? Would I have to own a bakery? Rent kitchen space? Make wedding cakes for psycho brides?? How would one go about making money making cakes?