I hate this more than I have ever hated it before. After holding everything in all weekend (S bled the morning of the wedding) and a long car ride home (my mom was with us) I cried myself to sleep last night. For the first time in this process I am seriously considering quitting TTC all together, but even that is not satisfying to consider, because S and I want another child so badly that it isn’t a real option at all.
Last night I wanted to throw our fucking monitor out the fucking 2nd story window. I can hardly look at the god damned OPK sticks sitting neatly in the basket where they have been replenished time after time after time. 12 times to be exact. I am left to stare at chart #26 and I could just shoot myself. And all of this is taking a toll on our donors, who bless them, did not sign up for this. Last insem was especially taxing, seeing as RM has a newborn, and is working his ass off and had to deliver goods 4 night in a row when he was exhausted to the bone. The novely has worn off…and so has any excitement there once was.
I can barely even write about the full body discomfort I experience daily when forced to think about involving other people in this train wreck. If it did not feel like our last option, I would tell them never mind, we are so sorry to have put you through almost a year of this, please forgive us.
This has been our worst negative to date. I won’t bore you with the dye on the pregnancy test mishaps, or the amount of time we spend staring at tests, or how many we took, or how convinced we were that it worked – because it does not matter.
We will be lucky at this point with a 4 year age difference between our kids. Lucky. And we only have so many more Clomid cycles to use up before we are referred to other options which we cannot afford under any circumstances.
Last night I recalled, cruelly, that we would be almost half way through the pregnancy. Alas, we have no baby and really might (IT COULD REALLY HAPPEN) pass our previous due date with nothing. Fucking nothing. I am begining to feel like the pregnancy was a fluke, and the dreams I have for our family seem further away than ever.
Forgive me if I sound like a whiny ass. I am at the end of a very worn down, pathetic rope.