S tested this morning as we do every other day, hoping that we get that blankerthanblank HPT. Who thought I would ever wish for that? Anyway, we still don’t have it, but at CD 10 it is starting to fuck with me. The cheapie HPT remains faintly, squintingly positive…as it has for weeks. But as obsessive test checkers know, cheapie tests go through phases.
The whole background is pink at first, then it fades to white. The control line gets darker. The test line goes through a phase around 30 minutes right before it dries, when it gets a kind of evap line, which then dries. So S (who fortunately does not know all the details of HPTs – I don’t want to marry myself you know?) looked at it right at the evap line phase and thought it was more positive than usual. I explained what was happening, but secretly got excited. But now it has dried into a faint faint line (as it always does) that means that her system still has a small small amount of HGC in it…not because she is currently pregnant but because she had a motherfucking miscarriage.
Yesterday was hard. Our good friends who started trying about the time we were about to try with Previous Know Donor and The Wife, have a very adorable and chubby 8 month old. Who is girl. Who they were propping up in her brother’s lap (who is our LMs best friend) at the beach to take pictures. I just about lost it watching him kiss and slightly strangle his sister (ah, the love of a 3 year old). Then later LM was tickling her feet and kissing her, and I was reminded anew how ready he is for a sibling and what a great brother he will be.
I am attempting to believe that it really will happen for us. But for now, it is cycle day 36, and we have a faint positive that is not really positive and somehow it is worse than the blankerthankblank I am used to. I am half hoping it is a darker line tomorrow…but if it is I will be terrified. But it is not. But it could be. But it isn’t. But what if it was? It isn’t.