dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

nights are hard June 11, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 8:31 pm

BTW: at last, finally, S’s HCG is going down. A line is still very much there on both a HPT and an OPK, but it was half as dark a few days ago and even lighter today. Thank fucking god.

.

During the day I am often fine, going about my business, going on a few dates with S, overeating, making fancy iced lattes at home, taking care of my little monster, trying to organize my bills and debts into a MASSIVE but highly satisfying yet highly depressing spreadsheet, going to the beach, trying to justify staying at home for two years while amassing the scariest debt known to man, eating cherries, feeling depressed about deadbabies and miscarriage, eeeking out some hope for TTC again, you know…life. But then, nighttime comes and I fall apart. It happens just a little when it gets dark, but I really go to pieces when I get in bed.
The other day I had to do a work thing, and see a pregnant (with twin girls) colleague/friend. Unfortunately I am finding it harder and harder to see or talk to pregnant women. This was thankfully not one of my big issues in the past. Although it was not always easy, I was able to be around my pregnant friends without much pain. I certainly was not in tears afterward.

THINGS HAVE CHANGED. And it SUCKS ASS. I really want to go to the blogs of my pregnant friends without crying. I really want to see my pregnant friends and colleagues without feeling like I must put on a brave face until I get in my car to cry myself home.

I assume that those of you in our IVP understand, but that just makes me love you more and be even more frustrated that I can’t be there for you. Once in a while I still visit you and I kinda squint, to make sure it isn’t something I completely can’t handle, but even through squinting eyes I see the due dates, the tickers, the progression into further trimesters, the great news scans, the cute bellies, and I feel like I’m going to fall apart. I feel left behind. I’m missing out. I was almost in the pregnancy club WITH you all, and instead I’m in the deadbaby club.

I want to be present for your happiness. It hurts me that I’m not. And no matter what I do, I can’t make myself be. I.just.can’t. One of the hardest things for me to realize is that this all feels SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE than before we were pregnant. Something that in the past registered as a 2 on my jealous/feel sorry for myself scale, post miscarriage registers as an 8 or a 10. I never had 10s before.

.

I am sharing this because I share everything with you people. And I want so badly to be feeling differently, for you, for me, for everyone.

I want to be moving on faster. I want us to be pregnant. But we are sooooooo not. And I want to join you all. I want to complain about morning sickness (even if S is the one having it) and talk about baby gear and ultrasounds. I want to be a person who is not traumatized going to a movie about babies, I want to be happy and normal.

The truth is I am not doing so hot. This miscarriage is getting harder with time and not easier. I hope the tides turn. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but I am a go-getter and the waiting and sadness followed by more waiting and more sadness is torture. I am starting (maybe mercifully?) to forget what it felt like for S to be pregnant. When will things get better???

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9 Responses to “nights are hard”

  1. nycphoenix Says:

    I don’t know when things get better. I don’t know about how it feels to have a baby die.

    I know about painful nights. I know about staying out and running around the city so that when I get home I can just pass out instead of laying there without a cosleeper next to my side of my bed and feeling my uterus knowing that it may never feel the kicks of my child. I know how it feels to love the IVP and feel sad and left behind at the same time.

    I know that God loves us. I know this sucks. I know that it’s easy to be mad at God and ask why? I know that asking why is ultimately unsatisfying and a waste of energy. So I try to just pray for a good day every morning.

    My new sponsor gave me a prayer. I’m going to email it to you before this comment gets to be a book.

  2. Jude Says:

    I am so sorry. Everyone is different in the deadbaby club, everyone’s reaction is a little different, and we all carve our own paths. The way you are grieving is totally normal and things will stabilize in their own time. Not exactly the most encouraging response, I’m sure, but “own time” could be shorter than you think.

    I remember when we lost our baby and for a week or so, maybe even two, everything was just so whirlwind and overwhelming that I don’t think we had time to even THINK about it. And then, suddenly, life started going on. We watched television, went to work, made small talk – and it happened. THINKING set in. And all of a sudden everything became so big and so hard and it seemed to come out of nowhere, but really it had just been hiding under The Busy.

    In some ways, it’s good that it’s coming out, you know? Because if you go back to filling your life with The Busy it will pop up again later.

    And it’s okay that you can’t hang around pg people or blogs. I don’t blame you at all. I know that I still feel a little kick in the gut when I see someone pg with twins or walking around with twins. It’s been long enough that I don’t bust out crying in the mall or whatever, but it’s definitely noticeable.

    Hang in there, C. *hug*

  3. bri Says:

    I know I am one of the ones who is painful to look at/read about/deal with. I hate that, but I also totally get it. One of the good things about this whole publishing oneself to the Internet thing is that those entries will still be there later. You don’t have to read them. You can totally ignore them until you have an excellent ultrasound/anatomy scan/squalling infant. They will still be there. I will still be here.

    The deadbaby club is the worst place to be. The Worst. It does change with time. It changes faster than the death of a real known family member type person, but it feels remarkably similar in its bad moments. Nights were my worst, too. The one thing about the deadbaby club is that while it is a forever club, it will not define your place in the ttc/baby spectrum forever. You probably will be in a pregnant club. It is possible that you will even be in pretty much the same pregnant club. I took off links to all the people who started out pregnant with me because I couldn’t look at them and then put them back on when things turned around for me. You never know what is going to happen next.

    The return of my period helped a bit. The trying again, even just the planning to try again, helped some days (others it didn’t). Crying and being good and mad and raging at the world helped a lot. Allowing myself to be PISSED and BITTER for as long as I wanted to was key. But time is the best thing. Whether you feel like it is or not, time is passing. Time passes. Things change. I wish change for you. And the quick passing of time. I am sorry you are in this place and I love you.

  4. Megan Says:

    Ok this is only from my current experience, we are about a month ahead of you guys and i think i felt a little bit better when kim got her period and kim started the clomid, then the waiting until the first follie scan was torture, but now that the insem is done (whether it works or not) i feel alot better than before the insem… i think it is just so hard when you cant do anything, at least when you are ttc you are doing something…if that makes sense. I hope that this is the same for you guys…

  5. Calliope Says:

    I am trying to find some words of comfort, but I got nothing. I can’t imagine that there is anything that will make this better. Maybe time? But then again, who knows. I do think that once you guys can get on the other side of this- meaning the actively trying again- that maybe some hope will find a way to creep in.
    know that I love you & I am always here to rage with.

  6. Amanda Says:

    If it’s any consolation, those of us in the still-no-baby category are happy to share our gripes with you. 😉
    i’m sorry that all of these feelings seem to be creeping up stronger and stronger–i guess we just never know how we will mourn such a terrible loss.
    Know that we are supporting you from afar, and sending you the best of thoughts and wishes.

  7. owl Says:

    Another person, very far away, sending you healing thoughts and wishes.

  8. Lo Says:

    I know I’m a painful one, too. And I can only echo all that stuff Bri said.

    I wonder why nights are so hard. When I am panicky about something (I have a diagnosed disorder) night is always the time I am completely overwhelmed. I know that is different from sad, but…night sucks. Night makes me feel alone.

    But you are not alone. I dont’ know if that helps but the whole IVP is there for you, whether or not you can read us or not. And I have noticed (thanks to you!!) that thanks to time zonesm, there’s almost always someone awake and ready to listen.

    I dont know if that helps. I’ll stop now. Love to you.

  9. Co Says:

    You have to be there for so many people in your life. You have to be there for your patients/clients, you have to be there for your friends and family IRL who can’t be avoided like a blog can, and especially, you have to be there for LM and S. And you’re doing a good job of that, even if you melt into a puddle at the end of the day.

    If it’s too painful to read the pregnancy and baby blogs right now, then it is. To be honest, there was a time when I was really depressed while TTCing, so much so that I couldn’t read pregnancy or baby blogs for a while, except for Bri’s and WTF’s. Somehow, since neither of them had shiny, happy pregnancy blogs, I could read those without getting upset. But all the glowy, happy blogs… I just couldn’t for a little while. And it wasn’t because I begrudged them their happiness. I was just being self-protective.

    I am sorry this process of grieving is such an up-and-down roller coaster for you. You will get through it.


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