BTW: at last, finally, S’s HCG is going down. A line is still very much there on both a HPT and an OPK, but it was half as dark a few days ago and even lighter today. Thank fucking god.
During the day I am often fine, going about my business, going on a few dates with S, overeating, making fancy iced lattes at home, taking care of my little monster, trying to organize my bills and debts into a MASSIVE but highly satisfying yet highly depressing spreadsheet, going to the beach, trying to justify staying at home for two years while amassing the scariest debt known to man, eating cherries, feeling depressed about deadbabies and miscarriage, eeeking out some hope for TTC again, you know…life. But then, nighttime comes and I fall apart. It happens just a little when it gets dark, but I really go to pieces when I get in bed.
The other day I had to do a work thing, and see a pregnant (with twin girls) colleague/friend. Unfortunately I am finding it harder and harder to see or talk to pregnant women. This was thankfully not one of my big issues in the past. Although it was not always easy, I was able to be around my pregnant friends without much pain. I certainly was not in tears afterward.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED. And it SUCKS ASS. I really want to go to the blogs of my pregnant friends without crying. I really want to see my pregnant friends and colleagues without feeling like I must put on a brave face until I get in my car to cry myself home.
I assume that those of you in our IVP understand, but that just makes me love you more and be even more frustrated that I can’t be there for you. Once in a while I still visit you and I kinda squint, to make sure it isn’t something I completely can’t handle, but even through squinting eyes I see the due dates, the tickers, the progression into further trimesters, the great news scans, the cute bellies, and I feel like I’m going to fall apart. I feel left behind. I’m missing out. I was almost in the pregnancy club WITH you all, and instead I’m in the deadbaby club.
I want to be present for your happiness. It hurts me that I’m not. And no matter what I do, I can’t make myself be. I.just.can’t. One of the hardest things for me to realize is that this all feels SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE than before we were pregnant. Something that in the past registered as a 2 on my jealous/feel sorry for myself scale, post miscarriage registers as an 8 or a 10. I never had 10s before.
I am sharing this because I share everything with you people. And I want so badly to be feeling differently, for you, for me, for everyone.
I want to be moving on faster. I want us to be pregnant. But we are sooooooo not. And I want to join you all. I want to complain about morning sickness (even if S is the one having it) and talk about baby gear and ultrasounds. I want to be a person who is not traumatized going to a movie about babies, I want to be happy and normal.
The truth is I am not doing so hot. This miscarriage is getting harder with time and not easier. I hope the tides turn. I’m trying to be patient with myself, but I am a go-getter and the waiting and sadness followed by more waiting and more sadness is torture. I am starting (maybe mercifully?) to forget what it felt like for S to be pregnant. When will things get better???