Based on some comments recently, I can tell some of you are
concerned about us trying soon instead of waiting for S to have a period first.
Just so you know, we are not sure if we are going to try or not, we probably won’t but not because we think that trying will risk S’s health, or because we are more likely to have a miscarriage.
Ultimately we don’t want to get too stressed out, which might mean we inseminate, and it might mean we don’t. But we do have the go ahead from our acupuncturist, midwives, and reluctantly, our doctor.
Here is basically what our doctor said in response to our questions: Is the uterus ok to carry a pregnancy right now? yes. By the time she ovulates (if she does) is the lining going to be thick enough to sustain a pregnancy or not thick enough so it won’t work or will just be a chemical pregnancy? yes. Is the medical community’s practice of recommending a wait of 2-3 cycles based on grieving time and not a woman’s ability to conceive and carry a pregnancy? yes. Is it your experience that women who get pregnant right away miscarry more often? no. If we were straight would you actively encourage us to try to get pregnant right away? no. If we had free plentiful stress free access to sperm would you tell us not to have intercourse? no. OK then.
Yesterday’s ultrasound showed that S’s body is not ready right now. We would be foolish to put sperm in there with nothing going on. But the lining is thin and there isn’t much follicle action because her hormones have not told her lining to build or her follicles to grow. She might ovulate in 2-3 weeks. If she does, we might put sperm in there because it is free and we don’t think it can hurt.
I know to some of you it might seem crazy that we want to try right away. It might seem like a month is not a big deal. I have to say, A MONTH IS SUCH A BIG DEAL TO US. Is it a big deal in the grand scheme of our lives? No. Is it a big deal in this moment for us? Fuck yeah. Do we even think it will work if we try in the next few weeks? Hell no.
In the end, we don’t know what we are going to do, but getting pregnant again SOON, is our sustenance and our hope. Realistically, it is just so we can feel like we are doing *something*, for fuck’s sake. Neither of us believe she will get pregnant without Clomid, so this try kinda feels like a pacifier…something to hold onto and have a little hope about while we wait for our real (aka medicated) try.
I’m sorry if I sound defensive. I am defensive. Not to you guys AT ALL, but just in general. I feel vulnerable, defensive (don’t know why), sad and slightly hopeless.