I was able to be totally, fully, completely, effortlessly present for WTF on Tuesday. I loved being a part of Baby L’s birth. What an honor. And I needed the redemption, you know? The happy ending.
But then I came back to my life…to no baby, no pregnancy, a messy house, a ticket for driving in the carpool lane during traffic, unpaid bills, a beautiful toddler who missed me and demands attention, a just-barely-recovering-from-miscarriage wife, smelly cat litter, and the realization that we started trying with Rocket Man the same week that WTF did, and she just delivered her baby and we have n.o.t.h.i.n.g. Yes we have our terrific son, but we have no pregnancy and no baby. And I had to work yesterday and it was VERY emotionally draining. So I am currently feeling a little sorry for myself. I was keeping it together fairly well until the cop handed me the carpool ticket yesterday morning. I started crying and couldn’t stop for ten minutes.
Being pregnant and then not pregnant has been REALLY SUCKY. I cannot even go to pregnant blogs right now. I did not feel this way AT ALL, before, when we were trying. But feeling part of it (pregnancy), and then not part of it has left me, unfortunately, feeling like hiding in a hole. So I apologize to those of you with happy news right now. I will join you again at some point, but right now it is just too painful.
None of this takes away from my happy feelings for WTF, or anyone who is pregnant. I’m not even jealous. I just want us to have it too. There is so much disappointment to deal with around loosing our baby, and not having our next kid (if we ever get one) be close in age to LM, or now to WTF’s daughter. I’m feeling slightly devastated despite wanting so badly not to. So there I am. Happy for my friends and slightly devastated at the same time, while trying to cope with my daily demands, bills and caretaking. Oh and I NEED to look for a job, like yesterday. Sometimes I just want to be taken care of. You know?