two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

I’m a bit of a mess May 31, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 2:51 pm

I was able to be totally, fully, completely, effortlessly present for WTF on Tuesday. I loved being a part of Baby L’s birth. What an honor. And I needed the redemption, you know? The happy ending.

But then I came back to my life…to no baby, no pregnancy, a messy house, a ticket for driving in the carpool lane during traffic, unpaid bills, a beautiful toddler who missed me and demands attention, a just-barely-recovering-from-miscarriage wife, smelly cat litter, and the realization that we started trying with Rocket Man the same week that WTF did, and she just delivered her baby and we have n.o.t.h.i.n.g. Yes we have our terrific son, but we have no pregnancy and no baby. And I had to work yesterday and it was VERY emotionally draining. So I am currently feeling a little sorry for myself. I was keeping it together fairly well until the cop handed me the carpool ticket yesterday morning. I started crying and couldn’t stop for ten minutes.

Being pregnant and then not pregnant has been REALLY SUCKY. I cannot even go to pregnant blogs right now. I did not feel this way AT ALL, before, when we were trying. But feeling part of it (pregnancy), and then not part of it has left me, unfortunately, feeling like hiding in a hole. So I apologize to those of you with happy news right now. I will join you again at some point, but right now it is just too painful.

None of this takes away from my happy feelings for WTF, or anyone who is pregnant. I’m not even jealous. I just want us to have it too. There is so much disappointment to deal with around loosing our baby, and not having our next kid (if we ever get one) be close in age to LM, or now to WTF’s daughter. I’m feeling slightly devastated despite wanting so badly not to. So there I am. Happy for my friends and slightly devastated at the same time, while trying to cope with my daily demands, bills and caretaking. Oh and I NEED to look for a job, like yesterday. Sometimes I just want to be taken care of. You know?


9 Responses to “I’m a bit of a mess”

  1. Angela Says:

    I totally understand where you are coming from. When my partner and I lost our baby at 19 weeks I was devastated. I could not read pregnancy blogs or watch my favorite baby related TV shows for quite some time. Eventually you’ll come around.

  2. Calliope Says:

    I just can’t imagine.

  3. e. Says:

    take your time and take care of yourself.

    we’ll all still be here when you are ready.

  4. nycphoenix Says:

    hugs hugs and more hugs!

  5. Co Says:

    Grief is so difficult, especially when you have responsibilities on top of them. The one time I have ever felt a hint of what true clinical depression must feel like was after my GM (the woman who raised me) died, after I’d gotten through the death, the wake and the funeral without a single tear, being strong for my brother and my great aunts and uncles. I got home, could finally think about myself for a second, and fell apart. At one point, I needed to go to the pharmacy–a three-block walk–and only got to the corner of my street. I did not have the energy to walk 3 blocks (and this was shortly after I’d qualified for a marathon). If, at that moment, my life had depended on me walking 3 blocks, I couldn’t have done it.

    Anyway, it seems like you have a hard role to play right now. Aside from the obvious grief about the loss, you have to be a strong and attentive mother for LM. You have to be strong to support S. But you need to feel supported, too. The notion of wanting to be taken care of really resonates.

    And it makes total sense to me if you can’t read the pregancy blogs right now. Do what you need to do for yourself.

  6. bri Says:

    I not only stopped reading the pregnancy blogs after my miscarriage, but I actually took the links off of my blog because just seeing the NAMES of the blogs made me feel upset. It’s fine.

    I can only imagine what a whirlwind of weirdness there must be having been there with WTF and now being back in your life. I know there is a lot to do and lots of caretaking to be done but I hope you are taking care of yourself, too. Let me or someone else know if there is something we can do for you.

  7. j Says:

    You know I have your back. And I agree w/ everyone else. You do what you need to do. You feel sucky right now, and that’s ok. Really really.


  8. lagiulia Says:

    I wouldn’t expect that you would be anything other than a wiped out pile of tears at this point. How could you be?? I never had a m/c, just infertility, but even *I* couldn’t deal with pregnant or super-fertile people *very* early on in the process(after my first month of trying that was followed directly by a ruptured ovarian cyst needing major emergency surgery and a 6 week recovery period…). You say you’re not jealous of others? Well I was. Very much so. And if you’re not, then I say you are pretty amazing, woman. But even if you were the teensy, weensiest bit jealous, I’d still say you’re amazing, woman. Take care the best you can right now.

  9. cori Says:

    Words cannot express. Hugs!

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