two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

stupid motherfucking hope May 17, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 5:47 pm

Is there any hope here? I mean 12 days behind at a 7w5d ultrasound??? How could this be recoverable. My research shows that even 7 days behind, with a hard to find heartbeat ends in miscarriage (unless people are wrong about their dates, which we are not). I don’t need hope to survive until tomorrow. I don’t want anything sugar coated. I’m just REALLY wondering, because I don’t feel like I’m being self protective here. I believe it would be a miracle if things turned around, and I’m not willing to believe in a miracle here.

So I’m curious about why any of you have hope. Is it because you just don’t want it to be true, and you are willing to believe in a miracle? And for those of you who are medically inclined?

I am finding no medical reason, in this particular case (given the fact that we KNOW our dates and the ultrasound was 3 days shy of 8 fucking weeks), that we should be very hopeful. There should have been a STRONG measurable heartbeat. There should have been a baby measuring WELL over 3-5mm.

Ug. As Calliope just said to me, I cannot know it is final, and really let go until I get confirmation. I can’t get that today. Torture. I’m afraid that tomorrow won’t be clear either. At least clear and bad is merciful. If S started bleeding on Monday after the ultrasound, and it was all over, it would be a better place than this excruciating waiting without hope. That is a lie because I have maybe like 2% hope. Ultimately I want the hope GONE, so I can move on, but more than anything I want to be totally wrong.wrong.wrong.

I went to message boards (like The Mis.diagnosed Misca.rriage) where people were posting situations like ours. I found that over and over and over they heard stuff like “keep on hoping,” “ultrasounds are not exact,” “sometimes they can’t find a heartbeat until 9 weeks,” “the lord has a plan for you” (eeeeeeew), etc., and in every case the person posted a week or two later that the pregnancy was, in fact, not viable. Why oh why did I go to those sites? Especially if I have no hope like I’m pretending? Someone without hope is not visiting The Mis.diagnosed Misca.rriage. Seriously. I wish I were better at denial. I imagine others in my position channeling their angst into cleaning their house, or going for runs every night, or going camping or some shit. Me? I obsess all day. It is pathetic. And I can’t help it.


21 Responses to “stupid motherfucking hope”

  1. I can’t express how sorry I am that this is happening to you. And I also know EXACTLY how you feel. Because this has happened to me now not once, but twice. Same scenario: smaller-than-expected embryos at 7 weeks (a week behind in both cases), slow heartbeat. In both cases, I miscarried. The first time, I knew before my second follow-up ultrasound that I was going to miscarry — I was bleeding, my pregnancy symptoms were fading, etc. The second time (two weeks ago) it was more torturous: I still felt pregnant even AFTER the D&C, and aside from some brief spotting at 6 weeks, I didn’t have any miscarriage signs.

    I can’t offer any advice to you on whether to hold out hope; that’s for you to decide. The good news is — and there is good news in all of this — is that your partner can get pregnant. If you didn’t already know this, it’s good information to have. Millions of women never get to that stage.

    If this pregnancy does end in a miscarriage, I strongly suggest getting a D&C if possible. That’s because typically doctors can run a pathology on the tissue that’s removed. That can tell you, for example, if the embryo had a chromosomal problem. The first time, I had a natural miscarriage (not very fun) the night before my scheduled D&C, which meant we didn’t get pathology. This time, the knowledge that a lab is analyzing my miscarried embryos (they were identical twins) is a comfort. (I found the procedure to be physically no big deal; it wasn’t a party, but it took five minutes, in the dr’s office, and I was back at work the following day.)

    Again, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I hope for you that everything turns out fine. And if it isn’t, I hope you’ll find ways to manage your grief and disappointment together. I am wishing you all the best.

  2. bri Says:

    I wouldn’t have any hope if it were me. Somehow, when it is another person, it makes us who are not in it want to hope harder for you. I can’t explain it. But you’re right. This is not good. It is not likely to be good.

    I have to say that a lot of people told me that it was great to know that I could at least get pregnant and there is a lot of truth to that in ttc terms. But in emotional terms, with ALL my fricking heart, I wish I had never, ever gotten pregnant with the penguin. I really, really wish that. Bleh.

    I hope that, if things continue on as they currently seem, S. will opt for a D&C. She may not – I don’t know her, but given her resistance to the interventions already used I am not sure if she will find this too awful. But getting it over with was huge for us. Getting the genetics analyzed, as pp mentioned, was also huge. It was incredibly important for moving on a bit. Don’t know if it is possible in your specific situation, but find out.

    Love you. Thinking of you.

  3. j Says:

    I have hope because I don’t want this to be happening to you because of the whole really caring about you thing, and not wanting you to hurt, at all.

  4. nycphoenix Says:

    ditto to what j said

    I so want to believe this is all a big fucking lie and this isn’t happening to such wonderful people and i do bellieve in miracles because me being alive after 14 years of addiciton is a miracle and so I want so much for there to be a miracle tomorrow but the realist in me knows there’s a shitload of pain coming so I’m readying myself to be of support to you.

  5. lagiulia Says:

    I have hope because I am ignorant about the facts of the situation in terms of what they mean statistically. But if what you say is true about the stats, then you are right: it is hard to truly have hope. I am continuing to think of you both today and will be all through tomorrow.

  6. frog Says:

    It’s not pathetic at all. And that’s all I can offer you.

    I’m so, so sorry you and S and LM are going through this.

  7. Calliope Says:

    so many others hit the nail on the head: it IS easier to hope for other people rather than hope for ourselves. When you boil us all down we are actually a pretty pessimistic group here: always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We are all certain of our own personal free fall. But I have to say, as cringe-worthy as it might be, I am finding this place in my heart that is hoping like a motherfucker for you & S. Even knowing the stats and numbers, it’s still there. I can’t explain it.
    We will all be with you tomorrow. We’ve got your back.

  8. Lo Says:

    Just a lot of repetition here: Co and I are thinking of you (both of you) constantly.
    I have hope because yes, I am praying for a miracle; and because I am medically ignorant enough not to be stymied by those pesky facts; because I am stubborn; and because I DON’T WANT this for you.
    And as others have said, because it is much easier for me to believe that it will turn out well if it isn’t me.
    So let us do that for you.
    But, we’ll be here however it falls. so much love to you….

  9. P. Says:

    When I had a small measuring embryo I hoped because… I wanted that baby so badly. I loved it already and was not going to give it up without a fight. I refused to give up hope until I saw a dead embryo at the next u/s or started bleeding.

    Like I said in a previous comment, my son measured 11 days behind at our first u/s. I was 10w2d when I had my u/s and the baby measured 8w5d. The heartbeat was noticeable right away, though. But still, my ob measured over and over again. I knew my dates for sure because he was an IUI baby. My ob told me pretty much what your ob told you… 50/50 chance. I had an u/s a week later and the baby measured 11w2d. He caught up and is alive and well today. That’s why you need to hope. It does happen. Maybe not every time. Maybe not even most of the time. But sometimes it does.

    I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Hang in there!

  10. shelli Says:

    OK, so if you are confirmed in your own mind that this is over, start planning for the next go. Allow yourself the period of grief that you both deserve.

    And maybe? You’ll be pleasantly surprized.

  11. TTC4years Says:

    I have hope because even after 5 years of trying to get knocked up, if I can’t hope for you, I cannot go on myself. I am selfish– I want you to have that baby. Because, if against all odds, and statistics, you can have hope, we all can. You can be one of those folks we live to be– the one where even though they have one ovary, a sperm donor with one testical and they are 55 and ovulate once a year, they can still get knocked up…know what I mean? The folks that defy all odds… Hope.

    And-It in no way diminishes you to have hope- no matter the outcome. And your mate might very well benefit from it too…

  12. Mermaidgrrrl Says:

    Oh sweeties – I’m so fucking sorry to read that you’re going through this. I so hope that you’re right to hold out some optimism for this pregnancy – we’re crossing our fingers for you over here girls. xxx ooo

  13. Co Says:

    You are not pathetic. I wouldn’t be able to think of anything else either, in your shoes.

    I agree with everyone else. It is easier for me to hope for you than it would be for me to hope for me. So, I join the chorus of others who say, “We will hope for you. And we’re here to support you no matter what.”

  14. holly Says:

    We are hurting for you. I wish I had the right words to make everything better. I think it’s human nature to want to find hope in something like this. And you always hear stories where things do work out.
    We had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, a day after we thought we had survived a “scare”. We wish you lots of peace.

  15. Jude Says:

    Whatever happens, know that everyone here is waiting to hear you scream and shout – whether it’s good or bad. No one is going anywhere, and we’ll all scream and shout along with you.

    I was never a prayer person before I got pregnant. Maybe when I was little kid, I don’t know, but certainly not in my own life. And now, every night. I don’t know if it helps (all those years of skepticism and all) but I do want you to know that you’re in mine every night.

    And whatever happens today, that’s not going to change. It’s hard to lose a baby you already love so much. It’s really hard and you have a right to be all over the place on this. Do whatever you have to do: hope for the best, hope for the worst, hope for nothing, try not to think – whatever. No answer is correct.

  16. gypsygrrl Says:

    i posted a big ol’ post yesterday from work, and the internet gremlins ate it 😦 so here goes the jist of it…

    we are all here, sitting with you thru whatever comes of today and the days to come… we sit in hope, and we will stay for the grieving. you are not alone and you are very much loved.

  17. M. Says:

    We’re so sorry to hear that things aren’t looking too promising. There’s nothing we can say to make this better for you. You shouldn’t have to go through this fear and pain, even if everything turns out to be ok. We’re thinking of you all and praying for you.

  18. Angela Says:

    Hope is a way to deal with the inevitable.. If you don’t have hope what else is there

  19. artsweet Says:

    I so wish this shit wasn’t happening to you hon.

  20. e. Says:

    i’m thinking of you.

  21. AmandaJ Says:

    Hoping to hear something soon!

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