two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

waiting May 16, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 6:05 am

Is Friday ever going to come? I spent last night weeping, and today trying to accept that this pregnancy is probably over. I know that our doctor gave it a 50/50 chance, but I think she’s wrong. We watched her using the ultrasound wand and doing the measuring, and she was thorough.

After reading tons of stories and looking at medical sites, I have come to the unofficial but reasonable conclusion that unless one’s conception dates are off (ours is very clear) or the technician measured wrong (she didn’t) there will be no catch up. Even if there is a catch up, the delayed growth (as severe as 12 days behind) really indicates a problem.

Yes, there could be a miracle. But you know what? There won’t be.

At first I thought I was just being pessimistic in an attempt to protect myself. I am familiar with that feeling during difficult waits. This is different. This is my gut backed by research, not whispering but shouting “something is wrong” with the baby or fetus, or whatever it is. This is me listening not just to what our doctor said but how she said it. This is me listening to my wife, who completely agrees with me.

I am left feeling like an idiot for embracing this pregnancy with my whole heart.

I am already looking at the calendar. Finding the likely date when we can try again. Which is in July. Fucking July. Motherfucking July. To.start.over. I’m going to jump (not really). I hate this. Hate.


11 Responses to “waiting”

  1. K. Says:

    You’re not an idiot to embrace this pregnancy with your whole heart. That’s what being a mother is. It makes you more emotionally vulnerable than anything in the world, to love someting outside of yourself more than life itself, something so vulnerable, over which you really have so little control.

    Be good to yourself. Be good to your partner. My heart aches for both of you, and I continue to admire your strength and honesty.

  2. ibcheryl Says:

    I am so sorry…

  3. lagiulia Says:

    I’m so sorry. I understand you feel like an idiot, but you are not – not at all. I am thinking of you and your family a lot these days.

  4. bri Says:

    I so know that idiot feeling. There is nothing you could have done in the beginning that would make this feel better or different. It just hurts like a giant motherfucker. I am so sorry, hon. This wait is absolutely evil.

  5. nycphoenix Says:

    You are not an idiot just a human who has so much love to give and after so many tries how can you not embrace the joy however short lived it turned out to be. There are no words to say how bad this all is, no amount of curse words or references to animal genetalia can even come close.

    Just sending you love love love from across the country

  6. jp Says:

    I understand and sympathize with the idiot feeling, but please don’t feel that way, because you are far from an idiot. You love this pregnancy with all your heart and embracing that so fully is very special. My heart goes out to you both.

  7. Calliope Says:

    I honestly have no idea what to say but I am overwhelmed with this massive need to find THE thing to say that will help. I don’t think anything could. Just please know that I am thinking of you & S and hoping and praying and cursing the universe and feeling gutted at how things are unfolding.

  8. At least the optimistic days of early pregnancy are worth something in themselves. If we didn’t have the hope and joy, how sad would it be.

    I hope you can get through these dark days and before too long you’ll be back with hope.

  9. Jude Says:

    I wish I had something to say outside of “I am thinking of you.” But I am. I am thinking of you A LOT. I am hoping for a miracle, and I am glad to do so, because it is probably easier for me to be hopeful (as a stranger) than you (as a mama who needs to protect herself).

    I will be thinking of you all SO HARD until Friday. And beyond. I am so sorry this is so hard.

  10. Lo Says:

    As Jude said….we are thinking of you. We really are. And we will do the hoping and praying for you.

  11. gypsygrrl Says:

    i am so very sorry… sending you love and comforting hugs… keep holding onto each other, you will help each other through this.


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