dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

the fruits of dr. google May 15, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 3:41 am

chanelling my obsessive and very sad energy into research has yeilded the following table:

—————————–6weeks……………..7weeks……………..8weeks

web.MD—————-2-4mm…………….11-13mm………….14-20mm

fert.ility friend ——–2-4mm……………..4-5mm…………….14-20mm

i.vill.iage —————3-5mm……………..9-11mm……………10-13mm

preg journal** ——–7w1d (8-11mm ) 7w6d (11-14mm) 8w2d (10-13mm)

**The Preg.nancy Jour.nal, Revised edition, which counts things weirdly.

Truly this is a desperate attempt to make some sense out of something that makes no sense. Our baby is probably too small because it is not developing normally, because something is wrong with it. Probably. Most likely. I tell you this wait is 10,000 times longer than any TWW, and the realism v. hope battle is fierce.

I just want to be put into a coma and wake up on Friday, or not, if we are going to see a too small baby, or not see a heartbeat. Progesterone, which normally reassures a person is possibly giving some false hope, keeping a baby in S that needs to come out because it isn’t healthy. Here is my lengthy internal dialog, well, one of them:

“This baby might be ok. Maybe our doctor measured wrong because S might have a tipped uterus and the baby implanted very high up in the uterus. We saw a heartbeat. There is a lot of room for error in ultrasounds. Maybe she measured wrong. We saw a heartbeat. What if it catches up?

But. But. But. It looked too small even to us. Measuring 3-6mm at best. At almost 8 weeks! Our doctor hugged S. We watched her measurements and her technique and it was good. We trust her medical judgment. She talked about things like being grateful that we found out S can conceive. Fanfuckingtastic. I don’t think doctors give hugs and say such things to a pregnant woman if there is a good chance not to worry. This ultrasound machine measured S’s follicles just fine a few months ago. The baby is too small. Too. Small.”

After an evening with Dr. Google and some very realistic advice from you people, I am pretty sure this baby is doomed, and the thought of telling our son (who has taken to yelling “Mama is PREGNANT!”) that our baby is dead, is enough to make me cry all day and into my dreams all night.

Oh, and I am so fucking over the pregnancy tickers. Those bastards are coming DOWN.

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16 Responses to “the fruits of dr. google”

  1. jay Says:

    Oh jeeeesh 😦 Got fingers tightly crossed for you here. I SO hope things will turn out OK. Hoping bigly. xx

  2. vee Says:

    This must be terrible for you both. Too awful for words. I’m sorry you’re going through this and hoping that you fall on the right side of those odds.

  3. lagiulia Says:

    I have had that EXACT same thought about wishing I could go into a coma instead of having to endure the horrible minutes of waiting for life-changing news. All I can say is that if there were really NO chance the embryo would thrive, I think your doctor would tell you. So while it hurts so much to hope, there is still a reason to. Of course, if you’re like me, you will probably find it too painful to let yourself go there and instead try to function alongside the thought that you are probably doomed. I have been very surprised to learn on more than one occasion, though, that we were not doomed after all.
    Sorry for cheesy internet hugs, but I just have to: ((hugs))

  4. TTC4years Says:

    I wish I could say something to take the pain away. Hold each other close. You will get through this because you are strong, and there is love.

  5. bri Says:

    I am thinking of you constantly. This week is the absolute worst wait. I am so sorry, sweetie. I hate this.

  6. shelli Says:

    oh honey, I’m SO SO sorry.

  7. nycphoenix Says:

    I wish I could speed up time for you both. This is tortuous. Still praying.

  8. We’ve been lurking a while, and just wanted to let you know we’re thinking of you.

    We’re so sorry this is happening, and are praying everything is ok on Friday.

  9. j Says:

    Praying, and hoping, and wishing you the fastest wait, ever.
    xo

  10. Calliope Says:

    fuck.
    I just can’t believe this.
    I think Laguilia brings up a good point- a point that might be cling-worthy: there is still reason to hope.

    UGH the waiting!!!!!
    thinking of you.
    xoxo

  11. Jude Says:

    I just want you guys to know that I am thinking of you. Hardcore.

    xoxoxoxo

  12. Sara Says:

    Wow. I don’t know what to say….except that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  13. e. Says:

    charlotte,
    i am so sorry that you are going through this. i too am holding hope, but i just can’t imagine how hard it must be for you and S right now. you’re in my thoughts.

  14. Co Says:

    I wish there was a way to press the remote and fast forward you to Friday.

    I am hoping and praying for you guys. Hang in there.

  15. Lo Says:

    Co stole my fast-forward line. I have often wished for one in my own life, and I wish one for you as well.

    All the hope in me is going out to you.


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