dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

everyone is good May 9, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 1:31 am

We heard from the OB  and S is not at risk for getting The Pox. LM (who I’m going to start calling Monster? Or something else…any blog nickname suggestions?) is no worse today. The actual pox are looking a little less inflamed and he’s acting like himself.

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Our first ultrasound is scheduled for next Monday (the 14th). In, um, 6 days. NOw that it is close I’m getting anxious, and NERVOUS. I yank up S’s shirt, often, and say “let me see the baby”. And I talk to it. And I ask it what it wants to eat. I luh-huv it. I tell S, often, “thank you for growing our baby”, and it feels like my baby. I have doubts and fears, but they have not consumed me. At.all.

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How does one go about losing weight? Before pregnancy my weight rarely fluctuated, I ate whatever I wanted, smoked like a chimney and was SKINNY. Now I am really packing it on. Especially since I stopped breastfeeding a few months ago. And I look WAY more pregnant than S, and it is fucking depressing. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror  I don’t look like ME.

I had no idea that fat was so uncomfortable. It is heavy to lug around. All of a sudden there are rolls all over and I get tired easily, and my posture certainly doesn’t help my “look” which, for my profile, is a bulgy hunchy S curve. I spill out over the top of all (and by “all” I mean 2) my pants  and I have no clothes that fit me because I refuse to buy clothes in bigger sizes. I hate it, and I have never felt less sexy or less motivated to change.

To add insult to injury I have no cigarettes to smoke. So I eat. And EAT. Any notion of a diet sounds appalling, and so does regular exercise.

What am I asking for? I don’t know. Fix me. Remove my eating for comfort. Make me motivated to exercise. Tell me I can just add, like some French goat cheese, or grapefruit, to my meals and then I will miraculously loose the extra 35 pounds I’m lugging around. I want to eat whatever I want (carrot cupcakes every day, and quesadillas with guacamole), and whatever portions I want, whenever I want (when I’m bored, tired, sad, happy or anxious) and be skinny again. And stay that way. I’m serious.

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8 Responses to “everyone is good”

  1. Co Says:

    Glad the Monster is doing well despite his pox.

    And I’m glad you luv-luv your baby. I like to turn to Lo and say things like, “I’m having your baby.” When I say stuff like that, she just melts. It’s fun how much she loves little Embryo-O.

  2. j Says:

    TC as in “The Cuteness”

    And, you are so not fat. Or, maybe, you’re just so tall that it’s not noticed? Seriously? If you want to do something that should have dramatic effect? Work out? Take TC (I may just start calling him that) on long walks? If you carry him, it’s like strapping on weights.

    And, you know how I feel about smoking, so I won’t even go there.

    Grapefruits…mmmmmm.

  3. bri Says:

    I agree about fat being uncomfortable. Part of my infamous Yoga Meltdown was that we were doing some pose where you face front and lean sideways and my fat roll on the side made it sooooo uncomfortable. I had to stack a few blocks on top of each other to be able to reach something for balance because the floor was out of the question. And I am totally not an inflexible person, either. I think I may even have said to the teacher, “I can’t do this. It hurts my fat.” The whole experience was mortifying.

    It is very disconcerting to watch your body change. I was awfully skinny when Wes and I met (dead mom weight loss, not recommended). At 25, something hormonal happened and I just packed on weight like crazy whereas before I could eat nothing but crap and not gain ever. But I was almost 29 before I really cared enough to try anything. I believe WW works because you don’t have to NOT eat anything. You just have to pay attention and control portions. As tough as it was to learn to stop eating, it was easier than NEVER touching cupcakes, for example. I do much better with “I can have this cupcake now, or I can have a milkshake later” rather than, “NEITHER.”

    But none of this addresses your desire, which is to lose weight and continue to eat whatever you want. Um… I dunno. Hardcore drugs? Sigh.

    My biggest advice is to choose one and totally go with it:
    1) suck it up and buy new clothes and feel more comfortable and embrace your changing body and learn to feel sexy in it (takes time, duh) and keep eating what you want
    2) decide you really care deeply about this and try WW or some other plan

    Sure, they are both easier said than done, but at least it might be a direction. The best part of my method is that you will know if you chose the wrong one. If you buy new clothes and try loving your body and it just isn’t working and you still feel crappy in a few months, you will be that much more convinced that you should try a plan. If you try WW or something and hate it with a white hot passion and it makes you cry to think about portion control, you aren’t ready and you might as well embrace the cupcake.

    Oh, and I am speaking only from my own metabolism’s point of view, which is that weight loss is completely reliant on what I eat rather than exercise. Not only can I not exercise enough to be useful for weight loss, but it just never works for me. I believe you CAN lose weight without exercise but that it’s much harder to lose without paying attention to diet. Some people can but not many.

    Love you.

  4. Calliope Says:

    don’t smack me, but buy yourself some pants that fit now. Don’t spend tons of $$, but you need to be able to not be AWARE of your body all day long and tight pants are a bitch like that.

    I lost some weigh from December to just a few weeks ago and was feeling all smokin’ and shit and now I have hit a wall. I work out 4 times a week and I have way cut down on bad and emotional eating. I have been on Sam-E for 2 months (thank you very much for telling me about it) and that helped with the emotions. I have been on the 5HPT for almost 2 weeks and it has waaaaaay curbed my appetite. Still no loss, but at some point it has to happen.

    I hate having a body that doesn’t go with my mindset. I will never be thin, but now that I know that my fat is b/c of emotional trauma every time I look at myself I am reminded of a lot of bad stuff. And I am ready to shed it.
    smooch

  5. carey Says:

    Hmmm… if you figure out how to lose the weight by doing nothing at all, please share it with me!! IF has done a real number on my body! I totally look more pregnant than Steph does! Ugh. I just bought new shorts in a new size – I can’t stand to wear anything tight, ever.

    I can’t wait for your u/s! Those first u/s’s make me super anxious too… I am practically bouncing off the walls of the exam room waiting for the doctor to come in… I’ve been very tempted to just pop the wand in myself for a quick peek!! LOL But how awkward would that be to get caught?? 🙂

  6. lagiulia Says:

    Dude. Coulda just written your post, the part about weight that is. I also recently stopped nursing, as you know, and I went from having a speed-of-light metabolism that I’d had since the beginning of my pregnancy to a slooooooooow one. All the weight gathered in my tummy, too, so I looked preggo, and like you my posture sucked. I think it’s because I’m always bending over to deal with 2 little people. This stomachy look has been there for a few months, and finally I had it. My bloated pregnant look began freaking my shit out, and I just wanted it GONE. I don’t want to look pregnant unless I AM, you know? And for fuck’s sack, can’t the weight be evenly distributed? Share the wealth with my tits and ass, that’s what I say.

    Anyway, a week and a half ago I joined We*ght Watc*ers on-line. I knew it had worked for Bri, who likes to eat whatever she wants, so I thought what the hell. I’ve already dropped a few lbs. and I don’t look nearly as bloated. WW on-line just reminds you of what you’re doing, but you still feel in control… at least I do. I am doing the points system, which I thought would really annoy me, but it doesn’t. You can also do another plan where you don’t have to count points.

    Anyway, yeah I think you have to be ready to do something like this. But it’s pretty easy so far. I’ll let you know in a few more weeks if I’m still so gung-ho! I also walk every day with the boys, so that helps too.

    I feel ya, and good luck with whatever you choose (or don’t choose). When you’re ready you’ll know.

  7. shelli Says:

    When you figure out the whole eating thing? lemme know.

    I’m right there with ya.

  8. oneofhismoms Says:

    I hate to say it, but weight watchers seems to be the only thing that has worked for my friends who have given birth. It is sooooo suburban mom, and it does require thought and work. But it does actually work for some people. My honey and I tried doing “Body for Life” which requires that you work out a short time every morning. Yeah. That lasted four days. I say do something realistic. Is there somewhere you go regularly that you can walk to instead of drive?

    I agree that you should buy some pants that fit. There’s no reason to make yourself feel worse than you already do.


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