dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

getting lapped May 4, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 6:05 am

I hate this. I just made a dreaded call to one of my best friends from grad school to tell her we are pregnant. My friend has been trying to have a baby for 4 years. I won’t go into the details of her story, but trust me that it is brutal and involved IVF and eventually international adoption. But they don’t have their kids yet. Russia is basically shut down and they have no earthly idea when they will become a family.
They have been waiting forever.

So yeah, I was dreading the call. D R E A D I N G it.

My friend did not ask many questions. She got off the phone quickly. I heard the strain in her voice when she congratulated me. She was trying so hard to be happy for me. I get it. I have done that. She probably got off the phone and cried into her couch.

In the last two years we became comrads…waiting for babies together. Discussing the suckitude. And now she’s feeling left behind. It is heartbreaking to be lapped and left behind and simultaneously wishing the best for your friends, feeling happy that at least other people are getting babies.

It just feels yucky. I hate it.

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6 Responses to “getting lapped”

  1. I just realized that we’re only (approx) one day ahead of you guys in our pregnancy. Neat-o! (we’re due Dec 25th/Xmas day!)

  2. Co Says:

    I was really uncomfortable when Lo’s sister got pg on the first try and lapped us. I was happy for her. But her insensitivity to our situation was horrible and it really took a huge toll on Lo and made family visits hellish.

    A few of my pg friends read our blog and saw some of Lo’s posts about pg people being horribly insensitive (really mostly about Lo’s sister). Those same pg friends contacted me and tested the waters a bit, trying very hard to figure out if we’d been referring to them or if they’d been insensitive to us. I really appreciated them checking in, although I felt badly because it hadn’t been directed at them at all. What I’m trying to say is… I appreciated the pg women in my life who didn’t make me feel awful, who didn’t rub it in my face, and who truly wanted to be sensitive to me and the many other women they knew who were struggling to conceive. One of my friends even asked my advice because she was pg with her 2nd child and her sister-in-law was still trying and seeing a fertility specialist and she could tell that every time they had a family event and her pg was brought up, it was painful for her SIL. I appreciated having pg friends who understood that their good news was a little bittersweet to me, and didn’t hold that against me.

    I suspect your friend will appreciate your efforts to be sensitive and understanding of her pain, even though your news may be hard on her. I hope she gets some good news of her own soon.

  3. Lo Says:

    Ditto what Co said…..It really does make a difference, I believe, if you make an effort to be sensitive.

  4. oneofhismoms Says:

    My sister tried for ten years. Every time I start to feel like it will never happen for me, I remember her. Luckily, I know that when I do get pregnant and I get to tell her, she’ll be happy for me. That’s because she’s no longer in the middle of it. (She adopted my glorious neice right after my partner had our son.) Once your friend is no longer in the middle of it, the weirdness will wear off. For now, at least you know how she feels and she knows you know. That must be enough. For now.

    (BTW, I started a new blog just about TTC and just about me. I hope you can stop by… http://oneofhismoms.wordpress.com.)

  5. Calliope Says:

    the good thing is that you are so A W A R E of it all. You have walked many paths in many shoes on this journey and that gives you the ability to have perspective. And HUGE deal that your friend was able to be so honest with you. It took me months to be that open with my northeast friend about how hard it was on the other side of the coin. I wish I had been more honest as we sort of didn’t talk at all during her pregnancy and I really hate that.
    xo

  6. j Says:

    Seriously, you’re one of the most aware people ever. You’re concious of all kinds of things I’d never think of to be triggers for people, and you’re super good about negotiating those kinds of boundries. You HAD to tell your friend. It would have been horrible for her to “find out” without you saying something, and also, the fact that you’re serious about her pain, well, that makes you a super friend. Really. xo


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