dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

how it has been April 19, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 6:32 am

What a wreck I am. Well, was. Today I began to enjoy S’s pregnancy. Yesterday was hell, and I was too chicken to post about it. I was afraid that everyone would think me an ungrateful asshole, as I was already thinking that of myself.

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Instead of spending yesterday frolicking through fields of wildflowers, daydreaming about our baby to be, I wept. Yes, I *should* have been happy. I know. I really know. I expected to immediately feel happy, and I did the first day. Anything other than elation didn’t even occur to me as a possibility. When our best friends congratulated “us” by hugging and kissing S and almost ignoring me, I got snapped into some unpleasant realities. She’s pregnant. I’m not. I was suddenly very emotional, and not in a good way. I  also worried that my friends in the blogging world did not want to congratulate me. I know our friends who doted all over S and ignored me meant well, they were just excited to see S pregnant. And I know folks in internet land are very happy for us.

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But yesterday I could not see clearly. I mean who gets their wife pregnant and then freaks out and cries all day? And sweet lord, my poor wife. She deserved cards and love notes and foot rubs and my sparkling shiny smile (which she got today, BTW). But my “job” was over. I felt like I didn’t work. Maybe my poor psyche just gave up after all the stress and pain of TTC.

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I felt, and still feel a bit lost. I don’t belong in the TTC world anymore. OK, one might think, then onwards toward the pregnancy club. BUT I’M NOT PREGNANT. I am now part of the club of 3 people, the my-lesbian-wife-is-pregnant-and-I-was-pregnant-last-time club. I don’t belong anywhere. I’m not infertile. I’m not trying to conceive. I’m certainly not pregnant. In my worst self pity moments yesterday I just.felt.left out. Left out of the pregnancy, left out of the biology of our next kid, and left out of this club of trying-to-have-a-baby-and-it-isn’t-working (which no one wants to be a member of anyway) but it is where I met all of you who have become my real, honest friends who I love. I don’t want to be the blog no one wants to go to anymore because it is pasted with pregnancy tickers and ultrasound pictures. I am me. I am still a snarky, pessimistic, wreck. Except now my wife is pregnant.
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I’m terrified to tell you all how unhappy I was, and how scared I remain. Not of a deadbabydisaster (although I’m sure that fear is coming) but of loosing my place in the world. Today, my mother in law came over to babysit LM and brought flowers. She looked right at me and said, “these flowers are for S…(pause)…but congratulations to you too.” Um, thanks.

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Anyway, I’m in a better place today, so my MIL’s comment just stung a little. I am feeling stronger and happier and excited when I look at S, though I still feel a bit lost. I am still recovering from my giant meltdown yesterday and fighting through the lostness so I can enjoy this. Sometimes I am in awe of my ability to protect myself. But you know what was really fucking great? Putting a positive pregnancy test result into Fertil*ty Fri*nd. On chart number fucking 24. It was sweeeeeeet.

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I love you all so very much. Thank you for being here for all of me.

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18 Responses to “how it has been”

  1. I know how hard it can be for me when good friends of mine, rl or recurrent mc world, get pg … how much harder it must be when it’s your wife.

    I can see how hard it is to reorientate your place in the world, and also to manage a feeling of being left out somehow.

    I think whether you’re a mum to be, a dad to be, a partner of a mum to be… there’s always a bit of a dose of panic and reality too. And a feeling of being ungrateful if you suffer any of the downers like morning sickness or fear or depression or just plain old bad temper.

    Pregnant women and their partners are allowed to be ungrateful though! Even previously infertile or potentially miscarrying ones.

    You two be grumpy and sick as much as you like, independently or together!

    And post your scans and news. personally, I love,love, love good news from those who deserve it.

  2. vee Says:

    I know nothng about how this might feel, having neither managed to achieve a pregnancy, or support my partner through one, but my first thought on reading this was that maybe S may be able to help you with this, as she has been in this position herself when you had LM, non?

  3. K77 Says:

    As long as you ARE still a snarky, pessimistic, wreck I shall continue to read 😉

    Being the non-pg one is weird, that’s for sure, and there’s definitely some left-outedness. I really really really hate it when ppl say that DS looks like DP. It hurts. I don’t know if it’s my own IF that churns up that feeling or not.

    I hadn’t given a thought to DP feeling left out when/if I get pg.

  4. K. Says:

    *Hugs* for you, and Congratulations to you too! 🙂

    I was the non-pregnant one last time, and it is a weird position to be in. I think it’s part of why the online community was so important to me. My DP never went online at all, but I was an active part of both the lesbian mom’s board and the october pregnancy board. There I could obsess about all the worries and decisions and symptoms and planning, and I found ppl really supportive. I hope you feel the same.

    I think it was maybe easier that it had never been me, and that I thought my turn would come. After 10 tries with no success, I am beginning to face the possibility that it might not ever be me, and yes, there will be things about my DP’s having a second pregnancy which will be hard.

    Anyway, I will continue reading your blog and wishing the best for you.

    KaylingR

  5. Kim Says:

    Nothin’ wrong with being human, C. I mean, how could you NOT have had it cross your mind that even though you and S. are increasing your family… it isn’t you this time? No, jealousy and fear aren’t pretty, but they’re real and you’re real, and it happens. Doesn’t mean that we don’t all care about you just as much.

    And believe me, that sounds just as weird to me as it does to you, that someone who’s never seen your face cares about you . Don’t worry, we’ll still come to see how you chicks are doing. Just because S had a positive pee stick, it doesn’t mean that everyone is disappear into the ether!

  6. nycphoenix Says:

    It sounds pretty normal and typical and Mikey had expressed some of the same feelings when we were envisioning a pregnancy. Don’t be so hard on yourself and do anything you want on your blog, k?

  7. lagiulia Says:

    You belong with us all because you are Charlotte the Great! You don’t have to be or not be anything to belong and get love.

    Oh, and I think it’s hard to be all “tip toe through the tulips” after trying so long to get baby #2 under way. It’s hard to fell so down for months and months and then let all that baggage go in one day.

    I remember after Picchi came home from the PICU, and I FINALLY had both babies home. I just felt… tired. And confused. And sad. Like I could finally not be “on” all the time and was now exhausted and just sad. Everyone around me was popping champagne corks and jumping up and down and all like “Hey laG be HAPPY!” I just felt all alone and guilty for not being happy and grateful. Looking back, I was way too hard on myself.

    That is NOT to say I have any idea what it feels like to be you right now. Just saying that everyone has her different reactions to things, and it’s okay. It’s not always comfortable or pretty, but it’s okay. Lots of love to S AND to YOU, because you are BOTH moms-to-be!

  8. Co Says:

    Being the other mother is hard. I know just from how Lo has felt at times, and how I’ve made her feel, and how society and others have made her feel.

    I am going to have to make more of an effort to be sensitive to Lo and not exclude her, although obviously she is excluded in some ways that I can’t control just because I am pg and she is not.
    I have tried to be good at not letting others in our lives exclude her from the equation. Lo’s mother asked me when we first told her about the pg, “Will you let your child consider me his/her grandmother?” To which I replied, “Of course. This child is your daughter’s child. That makes you the grandmother.” Lo’s mom *really* was trying to be respectful with her question. But I imagine there will be a lot of reinforcing that we’re both the moms. It doesn’t necessarily help that our society, even with het couples, will often disregard the husband because he’s not the one who is pregnant. It’s even tricker when the child your wife is giving birth to is not biologically related to you and everyone knows it.

    Needless to say, I think the pregnant partners need to take a role in this, and try not to exclude or let others exclude their non-pg partners, and to try to be sensitive. I don’t think that burden should fall exclusively on you or Lo or any of the “other moms.” I think non-pg partners need to be honest about how they are feeling. And I think all feelings are normal.

  9. frog Says:

    I’m so glad you keep writing–about ALL of it. Thank you.

  10. Lo Says:

    I hear you, on all fronts.
    I didn’t expect to be freaked about the non bio mom thing but I am. See my post on the topic…

    And I’ve felt blog insecurity too. Our readership has definitely changed some since our announcement (or at least the comments have) but I definitely echo your sentiment of “I’m still me, only my wife is pregnant.” Whether I come across as snarky, angsty, and melodramatic on the blog as in real life I don’t know, but I can assure you, it hasn’t changed….

  11. Calliope Says:

    you can’t get rid of me! bwha ha ha ha!!!!!
    & I adore S, but you know more about ttc than she does and so I will still TOTALLY demand that you give me your insight and whatnot.
    You will always have a place- it may not be neat and tidy and clearly definable…but how dull THAT would be, right?
    Color outside of the line, and all that shit.
    I’m glad you are having some enjoying moments- it is fucking KICK ASS AMAZING.
    Because, yes, YOU got your wife pregnant. You rock.

  12. kwings Says:

    I really enjoy reading your blog…I’m a non-carrying mom to be and we’re in our 8th cycle of TTC. Anyway, thanks for the sarcasm and snarkiness!

  13. e. Says:

    charlotte,
    i love you for who you are. i’ll always read and i’d be really sad if you went away!

    i don’t know about the other mother feelings (other than the ones i’ve imagined when we talked about A trying instead of unable-to-get-pregnant-me, but i can only imagine that it’s hard. really fucking hard. let us listen to you as you navigate these new waters.

    xoxoxox,
    e.

  14. Mermaidgrrrl Says:

    I’ll still read you! I love the blogs of people with pregnant partners. It gives me more insight as to what my partner is going through when she might not neccesarily be able to verbalise it herself.Those blogs have been a good avenue for me to bring up topics with her that might be worrying her and she hasn’t wanted to raise herself. So you might be helping other people and not even realise it at the time!

  15. thank you for your honesty. always. your words are a great help for my partner’s perspective as i embark on the journey of being the one getting pregnant.

    thank you.

  16. Lo Says:

    Clearly I write from my own place of pain right now, but hey occasional reader? LEARN HOW TO SPELL OCCASIONAL BEFORE YOU LEAVE AN ANONYMOUS COMMENT.

    I would imagine that the realities of having a child are full of drama as well. Life is drama. So you get over yourself.

  17. oneofhismoms Says:

    The person who left the “get over yourself” comment has clearly never been in your position.

    Being the non-bio mom is hard. Just wait until she starts brestfeeding. Talk about feeling left out and useless. I guess in my version of it, it was also coupled wih my anxiety about wanting to be the one who is pregnant and worrying about my own future fertility. I just tried to stay involved in all aspects and I gave myself tasks like setting up baby’s room, buying furniture, obsessing about each stage of the fetus’ development. When db came along, I just had to make sure that my feelings of uselessness never stopped me from trying to be useful anyway. It did make me empathize with dads who don’t take an active role in caring for their infants. It must be easy to fall into that when you feel like there’s nothing you can do.

    As for not being the center of attention… you’re just going to have to suck it up. I did. And I feel your pain. I’m glad you’re still blogging. I was worried that you might stop now that you’ve got to change your subheading.

  18. Shelley Says:

    Congrats, and be kind to yourself.

    You’ll work it out and find your ways to shine. My partner became the bath meister and has given our son about 85% of the baths he’s had in his life. She also was the major baby hauler when he was little… she used to joke, “Shelley carried him for 9 months; now it’s my turn!”

    Last night we all came home and all our son wanted to do was work on his acrobatics tricks with his Tama (her Mama name)…


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