two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

calling all straights April 10, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 4:18 am

Do any straight married people read this blog?? I know of like 3. Anyhoo we have what we have named The Lying Appointment, coming up on Friday, and we need to know what they will ask us so we can prepare. For those of you straight folks who went to an RE, or an OB, did you bring your husband/partner/boyfriend? What did they ask of him? Did he need to be present for all your appointments? I know that this doctor, being not affiliated with a sperm bank or a fertility clinic will not be asking for bloodwork and such.

S will be going alone, and here’s the story: S and Rocket Man have been together 3 years. He works in another city far from home, and that is why we need a doctor in that city to do the IUI. He has a place close to his work where he stays 3 nights a week. This is the lie that will explain why he has a totally different address. Otherwise we have to explicitly say they don’t live together which seems odd to me. She is going to know his full name, birthday, and phone number and other address. If asked, S is going to explain that he has 3 children from a previous relationship, all conceived on the 1st try so we know that there are no sperm issues.


We are hoping that they don’t need to have a meeting with RM, that he can just show up, independent from S and make the “donation” and then leave because he has to get back to work. Were your husbands there for the IUIs? Is it weird that he will not be? We are caught in this funky lying place where we have lost the ability to know what sounds fishy. Oh and please know that I’m asking specifically the heteros (or those currently in a hetero relationship) what their deal was, but I am interested in everyone’s opinion of whether all of this is plausible, and welcome any comments about how to make the lie simple, easy and believable.


It is increasingly unpleasant as the time nears for S to lie. It is harder for her than for me! It is painfully hard, but she’s willing. heh. I’m so much more evil and way less principled than she. Bwa haha.


I realize as I’m writing this that I am afraid we will be judged for this, that some of you are thinking how can you possibly do it? Lie? Pretend you, Charlotte, do not exists? Pretend to be having sex?

All I can say is that we feel like it is our best option to get a fresh IUI, financially, and the easiest path for our donor, which is of the utmost importance to us. All of which ultimately, hopefully, by the grace of all that is good in the world, will lead us to our baby.


26 Responses to “calling all straights”

  1. SassyBelle Says:

    My guess would be that if all else fails, you can always have her play it off as: “Gosh, isn’t it so hard that men just don’t understand? I don’t understand how he can say he wants a baby and be so disinterested.”

    Busy boyfriend/fiance/husbands who are preoccupied with business can’t be that much of an anomoly.

  2. Hi, straight relationship here (though in the UK)

    I’m doing DE with a close friend and it has been us who have been attending for appts together and dealing with the clinic. My partner has been along exactly once, at the start, and will be there to do his bit on EC day. We joke that they probably think we’re a lesbian couple and sperm donor.

    So I think your plan is fine, and it’s sensible to me for you to do whatever works best.

    Good luck!

  3. tonya cinnamon Says:

    waves at you married & straight:) but love coming here . you all rock!!!
    \showing the love!!!!!

  4. K77 Says:

    You do what you’ve gotta do. Here I’m pretty sure it’s compulsary for a couple to have a counselling session together at the beginning of IVF, not sure how that would apply to IUI cycles, or if it’s even relevant to your clinic at all, but might be something to check out. And I’d be inclined to pass yourself off as the “caring best friend” of S so that you can be there. After all, if her “husband’s” away somebody’s got to be there for her!

  5. formerimber Says:

    We’re straight and currently seeing a OBGYN who specializes in fertility (we live overseas and that’s the best we can do for now because otherwise we have to drive 2+ hours). I had an appointment today for an ultrasound to see if I’m ovulating and my husband was not able to make it. I was a little angry at him for not being able to be there but while chatting with 2 other ladies in the waiting room I learned they were doing the same thing and their husbands weren’t there either. I think you’re good. Even for a first appointment I think it’s normal for the female to go and then, if a “couples” appointment is required, that can happen later. It’s not a stretch to think a man isn’t going to go to an appointment if not specifically requested to be there. Such is life for busy people today.

  6. arcanematters Says:

    Not straight but I know a straight couple who did several IUIs and 3 IVFs and the husband, who was a doctor with a crazy schedule, showed up ONLY to do his thing. He made it to one transfer and that is it. No one said a thing. Also, from my experiences of sitting in many RE offices, there are TONS of woman there alone. In fact, it is mostly solo women. Are you calling RM your boyfriend or husband? And a bf or husband with a busy schedule is plausibe. Tell your gf to take a notepad and take notes “for my bf” because he can’t make these appointments or something like that. Good luck! My only caution is, if insurance is covering this, be wary of insurance fraud. The less you say, the better. Really, in the end, even though they are sticking their hands all over you, it is none of their business. Good luck!!

  7. Co Says:

    Yeah, I have to agree with everyone that after about 100 times sitting in my R.E.’s or my fertility clinic’s and the other lab’s waiting room, it is rare for the husband or BF to be there. I assure you it’s not because most of the women in my doc’s practice are lesbian or single (without a BF). I think saying, “My bf is so busy at work. He can’t get off, etc…” is probably fairly typical. It’s like with anything in life. Even though it takes two to tango, fertility, like motherhood, is still seen as the woman’s primary responsibility, even post-millenium.

    The only other thing I can think that S. might need to know is RM’s social security number. Not sure if you or he are comfortable giving that or not, or why they’d need it. But I know I often need to enter Lo’s.

    Also, and I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but what will S. say if asked the ages of RM’s 3 children? I could see them asking that just to see how long ago RM proved himself very fertile. Will she mention that his ex is currently pg? You don’t need to answer and I am sure you have covered that. I just thought that might be a potential stumbling block so I mentioned it, on the extremely unlikely chance you hadn’t thought about it.

    Good luck to S. I, too, would have a really tough time lying. I am sure she will do fine.

    And I, for one, would never judge you for this. It’s not that you *want* to lie. It’s that this effed up system has backed you into a corner and you want a baby!!!

  8. bri Says:

    Straight and married here, but donor-using. So not sure my experience is helpful. Wes had to be there after the first appointment – she wanted to meet him and he had to have bloodwork (we were able to just do the HIV test and then fax in that and bloodwork he had done recently, since he regularly sees an endo anyway). He had to sign something saying he would really be the dad and we had to do one counselling session. All of that, I am sure, was because we were doing donor. And because my RE is fairly thorough and paranoid about anyone moving forward with something and then regretting it later. I can say that Wes never came to IUI’s or anything else (except ultrasounds when we were successful) after the first one – it was too painful for him and therefore me. So he was there once to meet the RE and once for my first IUI. And that was it. And that was normal, I think.

  9. lagiulia Says:

    I think the less she talks about him the better. Only answer questions when asked. I doubt they’ll ask much more than what they really need to know. I think the person who suggested the whole, “You know men…” type of thing is onto something, if she gets into a pickle.
    My husband sometimes came with me to the RE and sometimes not. The first meeting was the only one he was really asked to be at. The doc asked him a lot of health questions and ethnic background questions, but that was mostly in preparation for ordering blood work. She also discussed various routes we might take to get pregnant. I think if S has his blood and sperm count info, it should be okay for him not to be there. For the IUIs I don’t think it will matter at all that he’s not there. Most of the women in my waiting room did not have partners with them as far as I could see each time I went.
    You are not bad for lying. It’s not your fault it;s come down to this. Good luck!

  10. lagiulia Says:

    PS- MY RE is the same as Bri’s.

  11. j Says:

    The only thing that may get dicey (or not) is the counselling session – S and I were required to have one when we began our journey using AI.

    And also, at one point, S had to fill out a form on herself, which I believe included her ss number – which is probably the only info that would connect RM to someone else (not S)

    Best of luck, we’re rooting for you!

  12. temmerling Says:

    Ug. The uckiness of lying. I’m not judging you at all as we may have to resort to something like this ourselves in the near future. I want to be kept posted of what happens so that I can be prepared.

    I got the impression that you don’t want to be there as the “supportive friend”, is that right? If that’s right, is there a reason that you feel comfortable sharing?

  13. erin Says:

    Single girl doing donor IUI here. My clinic always forgets that I’m single. They ask where my husband’s sperm is and tell me that I can still get pregnant with regular intercourse on my break cycles. When I remind them I’m single they always laugh. I’d let your clinic assume what they want and not bring up any details of RM unless asked. Good luck!

  14. Michelle Says:

    First off, it really sucks that you have to lie. But what else can you do?

    I don’t think anyone will question the absence of RM at appointments. My husband was with me for all the big ones, until I started going every few days for IVF monitoring. There were always plenty of solo women in the waiting room. And I recall many posts on FF message boards to the tune of, “Does DH come to your appts?” and many did not.

    You sound pretty sure that they won’t need bloodwork or a semen analysis from RM, but that’s the only part of the plan about which I’m unsure, based on our experience. Just because he’s had kids before doesn’t mean that he hasn’t developed a varicocele or other issue – I know that’s not the case here, but the RE may not assume that past success will equal future success. MFI can develop over time. Also, my husband had to repeat his semen analysis for our RE, even though the one he’d had done was only a month old, because they wanted to analyze his sample in their lab. They also required an HIV test from him.

    Good luck. I can’t imagine that they’re going to challenge her about RM being her boyfriend – but it’s good that you’re thinking through all the possibilities in advance.

  15. Pronoia Says:

    Okay, not straight and having no advice on what she’ll be asked.

    But I just wanted to say that I can’t imagine condemning you for lying about this. It would be great if you didn’t have to, but you’re up against some pretty heteronormative and -sexist policies that aren’t going to change this month for you and S. And so you, as we all do, weigh the goal (baby!) against a temporary act. And hey, the baby wins. It’s a short-term thing, you know?

  16. artsweet Says:

    No advice, just anger that we have to play these stupid, stupid games.

  17. Trace Says:

    I’m straight and my husband and I have make arrangements w/a friends husband (not too close, that would be weird). They live in another state, he’ll go to a doctor there, do the appropriate testing, the sample, and it will be washed, frozen, and shipped for our use. We plan on being totally honest w/the doctor.

    I don’t really know much about it, but if the doctor interviews you, why would he care if you are gay or not? I would think he’s out to earn a profit not judge.

    If you have someone who is willing to donate you could theoretically inseminate yourself, right?

  18. steph Says:

    Best of luck. I know WTF from college, and she’s one of my best friends because she tells it like it is. I don’t know if she thinks of me the same way, but she’s the real deal. I’m glad you found each other, and I wish you nothing but happiness, no matter what happens. I know that wtf wants only the best for you.

  19. Lisa Says:

    Straight and married here, too.

    For those of you straight folks who went to an RE, or an OB, did you bring your husband/partner/boyfriend? – No. He couldn’t get the time off of work to meet me so I did all the paperwork myself, answered all the questions myself and phoned him on my cell phone if I wasn’t sure of the answer.
    What did they ask of him? Did he need to be present for all your appointments?
    -No. Infact, he came to 0 appts w/ the RE. (never did IUI’s but my best friend did and her husband only went to do the donations. He’s a lawyer and didn’t have time to do the meet & greet)

    BTW- my sister came with me to my first RE appt for support. Perhaps you can go and fill that role if need be?

  20. Tricky Says:

    I’m straight and on clomid with 2 lovely follies wondering if I should make arrangements to have a trigger shot to ensure both googs are released.

  21. Mermaidgrrrl Says:

    Sooooooooo not straight, but wanted you to know that I’m sooooooo not judging you for how you’re going about this either guys!

  22. Calliope Says:

    As I am straight & single I never had to deal with this- & I think you & S & RM & WTF are incredibly amazing for taking this step. I agree with others in the less said the better. & you aren’t lying. S & RM are partners of sorts – in a lab sort of way.
    It sucks big time that you can’t be open and honest about this & I think that is the worst.

  23. emmakirsten Says:

    Straight here. Love your site šŸ™‚

  24. oneofhismoms Says:

    You might need his social security number, but I don’t know for sure. Maybe I’m just making that up. That seems to be the one thing I never know about my partner. As for the lying, I say it sucks that you have to do it. On the other hand, it is great that we’ve come so far that this will be one of the first times that you’re forced to lie about your sexuality. Not so 30 years ago. Good luck!

  25. Kim Says:

    I’m straight but single, and using a known donor. My ob-gyn, when I first told her 2 years ago that I was going to be TTC with a friend/known donor, informed me that we’d have to undergo counciling before she’d be willing to do ANYTHING to help me. My current RE, because the practice is on a religious hospital’s campus, cannot actually perform any insems for me. Still, to be on the safe side, I’ve let him believe that I’m using frozen sperm from a bank for my home insems. He’s really cool (used to work in NC with lots of gays/lesbians/singles, and on his own, without any prompting from me, found me a doctor who can perform IUIs if I decide to go that route.

    I would only have to have “boyfriend” there to give a sample. Only problem is, we’d have to go the same route as you, and lie about our relationship. And also like RM, my KD is married. It’s a horrible situation, and I have so much empathy for you and S.

    But since my KD is also military, we absolutely cannot do the lying thing, since I’m not willing to do anything that might jeopardize his career. I hope this works out for you guys.

  26. worldofwinks Says:

    First time here, but I’m straight. However, my mother goes to all of my appointments with me. Soooo, I’m sure that many people assume that I’m not. They expected my husband at the first appointment, and they asked the following:

    “How did you meet?”
    “How did you get to this point?”
    “What are your fears?”
    “How are you going to support each other through this process?”

    Those are the ones my husband could remember.

    He went with me for my IUI, did his business, and then went and got coffee during the insemination. My mom actually went into the room with me. My husband would have felt awkward, and I didn’t mind. After all, I got a coffee afterwards.

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