dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

people are so dumb April 8, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 1:56 am

I need to start a list of the stupid shit people say to me about TTC. Someone at the park recently overheard me talking about trying to have a baby and it not working and said “have you tried taking your temperature?” Fellow bloggers on this journey, I ask you, need I even write a snarky retort to that? Have I tried taking my temperature??? I just wanted to slap her. I said was “yes.” It felt impossible to explain the idiocy of that comment without my rage and sadness about this whole thing being dumped upon that poor ignoramus. But when your friends say that shit, well, they should be poked with sharp sticks.

One of my *friends* who had some difficulty conceiving her first child, recently said some assy things to me. She has a 3 year old and a 4 month old. She is one of the folks who started trying about the same time as we did (she got pregnant the month before PPKD and The Wife said yes to us). Now, I am not a person to begrudge my friends being pregnant. I’m not. Sometimes it is hard, but I deal. This particular friend was very difficult for me to be around at times because of my ridiculous (in retrospect) assumption that we would have children close in age.

Anyway, after she gave birth she started in on the insensitive comments. Such gems as: while visiting them in the hopspital after the birth of their daughter (it was hard for us to even walk through the maternity ward), the first thing she said to me “aren’t you just *SOOOOO* glad S is doing this instead of you?” or a few weeks ago “just *wait* until YOU have two, it’s SO much harder, you have *no* idea” or last week’s gem: as she was loading her two kids into the car with some difficulty she says “are you *sure* you want *THIS*?” Um….SHUT IT. Yes I want that. WTF??

.

I should have said something to her, but she knows all about our struggles, and she had trouble herself so I just think she should know better.

.

I really do despise it when people who have something great (whatever it is) try to make you feel better by making it seem crappy. Now, I am NOT saying that people should not complain…complain away. Please. I am not one for sugar and sunshine, obviously. My friend is allowed to talk about how hard it is to have 2 kids. Absolutely. But don’t ask me if I’m sure I want it, don’t tell me “just wait, you’ll see.”

.

I think her intention is good. Everyone who says these kinds of things is probably feeling guilty about what they have that another does not. But please people (not you lovely internets of course), don’t be so patronizing, and don’t try to make me feel better by talking about how crappy it is to have 2 kids, or a fancy car. Well, go ahead and tell me, but don’t tell me, for example, that I’m lucky that I don’t have such a fancy car (that is my fantasy car, which you happen to have) because it’s hard to maintain, or park.

.

Don’t tell me, or even imply, that despite myself, you secretly know that what I covet actually isn’t that great and I’m kinda lucky I don’t have it, like you do.

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10 Responses to “people are so dumb”

  1. Co Says:

    A comment like “Are you sure you want one of these?” might be amusing IF S WERE 9 MONTHS PREGNANT RIGHT NOW. Then it might be funny. But no, currently, it’s just insensitive.

    I am sorry people are making assy comments to you. You don’t need additional pain or to have people ask questions like “Have you tried this extremely simple thing?” with everything you guys have tried and been through (including the insane attempts to find a doctor willing to do an IUI).

  2. Bri Says:

    It is completely insensitive. I have a co-worker who throws these kinds of comments out CONSTANTLY and has since we first started trying. Not surprising, she is the same person who said, “Still?” about my mourning my miscarriage. She has 2 kids and is ALWAYS on about how I have no idea about how awful it will be, blah, blah… and frequently uses that same “Are you sure you want this?” thing. The only comeback available to me is to talk at length, as a reminder and a curse, about how very annoying teenagers are. Then she is forced to remember that I HAVE been through ages 6-16 (the area in which she is currently ensconced) and so, yes, thank you, I do know what I am doing. I feel bad for my other pg co-worker who gets these same comments after infertility and miscarriage because she doesn’t have a teenager to be snarky about. It’s totally uncalled for. And hard. I am sorry. I can’t believe anyone asked whether you tried taking your temperature. Bleh.

  3. j Says:

    answer “Yes, actually, I’ve discovered that taking my temperature rectally is much more acurate than orally. If you’d like, I could demonstrate on you…what’s that? No vaseline? No problem, I’ll take it slow and easy…..”

  4. Lo Says:

    I’m all for J’s response. 🙂

    Assy comments really suck. I mean, I will say that for me and Co, what worked was when we finally just relaxed (if by relax, you mean daily injections, every-other-day monitoring, and an insemination that included two men staring up Co’s cooch).

  5. Lo Says:

    I just want to add that I think maybe (and I’m really just guessing) that the assy comments may come from a place of “I feel awkward that I have exactly what this person wants.” And I understand that because of the brief time we have spent (and God, I hope we continue spending) on that side of the equation. But speaking from that place, THERE ARE BETTER WAYS TO DEAL WITH THOSE FEELINGS. So, those people suck hard.

  6. BL Says:

    I like to take the ole approach of pausing and staring at the offender. Tilt my head. Blink. And then finally say, “Are you REALLY saying this to me? Did you think before you said it what it would sound like coming out?”

    I like confrontation sometimes.

    Gosh, at least in the process I’m learning the things I WON’T DO IF I EVER HAVE A BABY!!!!

  7. Calliope Says:

    At least you don’t get told to go “have a fling” with some stranger…ugh
    People are SO naive about how hurtful their advice can be. I have to wonder if some of the stuff that comes out of people’s mouths is said out of their own issues in coping. This lady has two kids, you want two kids. So in some (very effed up) way of comforting (??) you she makes comments about how shitty & hard it is to have two. And now don’t you feel all better because you don’t have to deal with the hastle of loading up a ficken van. um. no.
    clue-LESS.
    seriously– you should just relax.

    bwha ha ha ha

    I kid.

  8. Melody Says:

    A very wise friend recently told me that we should just put out a stork feeder and spend some quality time in the cabbage patch. I’ve already purchased the cabbage seeds for our backyard garden this year. Now that’s quality assvice. I revere her for that. So much better than “You guys just aren’t focusing on what it means to make a baby with another person”, “It will happen when you relax” or “Do you think this is God’s way of telling you that you’re supposed to adopt?”

  9. lagiulia Says:

    Forgive me for criticizing a close friend of yours, but she sounds kind of self-absorbed and not very gracious to me. I would be hurt. You are much nicer than I for saying that you think her intentions were decent. When I was going through infertility, I couldn’t even stand to be around my friends who had babies. I wish you many less assy comments and more loving, nurturing support, because you really deserve it.

  10. manda Says:

    Ugh, i’m so sorry…
    How about this one; “Do you know when you ovulate?”
    i think you’re right about it being guilt-motivated, and i try to remember that when i feel like smacking someone.
    We’ll all have to remember that down the road when we DO have kids and have friends who are trying. 🙂


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