two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

fresh sperm IUIs for misfits March 21, 2007

Filed under: ttc — charlotte @ 11:00 pm

Yes, those of us in “alternative lifestyles” (how gross is that) cannot have a fresh sperm IUI with a known donor, due to FEDERAL regulations. I know some of you are in the same boat (hello lovely misfits) so I thought I would go into a bit more detail.


My understanding is that the Federal regulations do not require you to be married, just an “intimate partner” which they do not define. Most sperm banks and RE’s are afraid to loose their license, so they will not do a fresh IUI unless you say you are in an “intimate relationship.” There is something called a ‘directed donor’ which may not require quarantine (just testing within 7 days of the IUI every fucking time), but the clinics in our area are scared about their licenses and still require a quarantine.


My gay sperm bank dude (and his lawyers) believe that a KD is in an intimate relationship with the recipient…so his bank does fresh directed donor (KD) IUIs. I am researching some midwives who do IUIs but I don’t get how they have the equipment to wash sperm. I think that when people say that midwives do fresh IUIs, and home IUIs they mean ICIs or IUIs with thawed frozen sperm. But I’m still researching. If you know anything about this in Northern California, let me know.


Now, onto the lying. If we are willing to lie, we (well S and Rocket Man) can just go to any old clinic and have it done without excessive preliminary tests, and without subsequent testing each cycle within 7 days of the IUI. Trista, they do not ask for a marriage certificate, the KD just needs to be your intimate partner. But what does that really mean in terms of constructing a lie?


I wonder if you can be in a 3 person relationship. I mean can S get a fresh IUI if we are in a polyamorous relationship? If so that is FUNNY, because it is *way* freakier than two chicks together (hey don’t email me about how it isn’t freaky to be polyamorous, I am aware of this as a bonafide relationship choice and have no judgment other than I am way to jealous to ever do it). I digress.


We are trying to figure out whether S and RM can lie. Part of me wants to get all political about it, but I just don’t have the energy. It is all about the practical at this point.


I can’t really be there for the insem if we go that route. I think we can pretend that S and RM are having sex, but I don’t think I can pretend that I am “just a friend”. Fuck that.


I want to be all full of integrity and shit about this. But I don’t know that I can muster up the caring. If it saves us money, is less trouble for RM, and S gets pregnant I don’t know that I care so much that I can’t be there. I mean I care. It makes me livid, but I don’t think I care enough not to do it.


But maybe I do care enough not to do it.


So this one sperm bank will do a fresh-KD-no-lying-involved IUI, but it means that RM must make an hour drive round trip instead of a 20 minute drive (this is a big deal for him at work), and it means a battery of tests and possibly an extra visit to the doctor, versus one AIDS test (if he’s S’s boyfriend).


Can we lie and just say that S and RM are having sex to make a baby for me and her? Eeeeeew. Can we deal with that judgment (will people stare at us, or ask weird questions?) so that I can be there with her? Will the doctors even go for that? Can we make this funny, or is it just entirely humiliating? How do we create a lie that we can all live with?


The fact that we must face these types of decisions is so fucking far *beyond* adding insult to injury. Way.


6 Responses to “fresh sperm IUIs for misfits”

  1. shelli Says:

    as a fellow misfit, I can share the following.

    When we were considering using Narda’s brother, a rather “hip” RE told me the following: “as long as you SAY he is your “committed partner,” it’s all good.

    I think, under the circumstances, that KD IS a “committed partner,” even according to the legal mumbo-jumbo. HE is committed in helping YOU reproduce.

    What lie?


  2. e. Says:

    my MW’s office does have the ability to wash sperm.

    you’ve brought up a lot of issues and they are very personal decisions, and i would never judge how anyone would respond. i can only share my thoughts/experiences.

    there have been times while we’ve been ttc that i’ve had to pass as hetero. mostly this is in regard to getting approved for infertility testing. if my ins knew i was using donor sperm, i would have needed 12 documented in office inseminations. yet, my MW was concerned enough with my family history of infertility that she wanted to do the testing after 5 tries.

    when i called to find out what my ins would cover (IF testing and treatments), i did not tell them that i don’t have a male partner, thus unlimited sperm. had i told them, i would have been held to the heterosexist regulation of 12 in office tries. for me, it was more important to move forward and get the testing than to wage a political battle. i was too tired, and felt i needed to look after my family. i decided that i would not lie, but i was not going to give them any more information than they asked for- i am not sure what i would have done if they asked point blank “are you shagging a guy?” i really don’t. but i felt okay with the limited info i gave them.

    so that’s how i have danced with the personal / political dilemma of ttc. but i do think for each of us it’s very personal and i think with out people being open and honest, the system will continue to fuck us (pardon my language). it was just hard for me to make that statement at such a difficult time.

    sorry for rambling on and on…

  3. K77 Says:

    What if a hetero couple with MFI present for fresh IUI with their known donor? Does the quarantine apply for them too? Here it does, but there are tons of differences between clinics here and there.

    Personally I couldn’t lie, mostly because I’m crap at it.

  4. temmerling Says:

    This is good to know. Some of it I already knew, but the fact that we could just claim to be lovers is nice. I’m going to go post on my donor issues shortly. My worry is that my doctor knows that I’m not shagging our donor. But he also wants to go to bat for us. So it’s really just the andrology dept…

  5. Katy Says:

    I think I remember you saying in a past post, that you checked out They are in Berkeley, not sure how far from you that is. They have a whole page on “Directed Donors”, and they say on the home page that 2/3 of their clientelle are lesbian families. I hope you are close enough to be able to use them…I love this organization!

  6. dewapelangi Says:

    good information, i like with your pos cause i need this knowledge

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