two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

released March 16, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 5:31 pm

You know those moments when something you have been wanting to end just ends without any torment or therapy on your part? This happened to me yesterday.

We went to have tacos at our fav little taco bar. Sitting in the lovely outdoor area was Voldem@rt’s (my ex best friend’s) new best friend who we will call ReplacedMe. She was there with her toddler and her giant 25 week pregnant belly. She is someone I originally really liked and wanted to be friends with. When Voldem@rt and I broke up, I was very sad that I could not be friends with ReplacedMe, because well she was going to, well, replace me. Anyhoo, we run into each other ever so often, and it is awkward. I always think, damn, I do like her and I wish I didn’t and I wish Voldem@rt did not ruin my chance to be friends with her.

So. I’ll spare you the boring details of how awkward it was, but I ended up petting her dog and asked her if she was having a boy or a girl. She is having another boy. I should know better than to open the baby questioning box because then people feel free to ask you questions. Although Voldem@rt and I broke up a year ago, ReplaceMe knows all about our struggles to find a donor because that was happening WELL OVER A FUCKING YEAR AGO, and we were kinda friends then. Anyhoo. She then asks about us having a second baby (as she has before but I always evade the question) and I told her that we were trying but it was not working. I teared up as I said this and felt like a giant asshole for not just saying “it is going fine” or that we were not talking to people about it, or something, anything other than the truth. She said she would keep us in her prayers, which made me completely want to bawl (it was just very heartfelt).

But then. Oh boy. Here it came. She looked right at me and said:

“You know, sometimes you really do just need to relax and let it happen.”

And that was it. I was done. Released.

I wanted to end the post there, with “released” because it is tidy, but I cannot because I need to have a small rant now about that most ridiculous, demeaning, assuming, fucked up comment.

“RELAX”??? Stick it up your ass bitch. You have no idea what we are going through. I would love to fucking relax. Not everyone can get pregnant “by accident” like you. When she told be she was pregnant (unplanned) she shrugged and said “it just happened”.

“LET IT HAPPEN”??? How, I ask, would this work. How, for fuck’s sake can two women “let it happen”. Is she an idiot who does not understand the biology of two chicks having sex?? I felt so demeaned.

This woman has no godly idea how much work I have put into having a baby. How much money, heartache, dashed hope, internet research, journaling, tears, love, marital discord, changing of plans…disappointment. She has no idea what it feels like to not be able to have a baby with one’s partner…to wonder whether money will prevent you from having a child at all. She has no idea what it is like to depend on other people (banks, donors, money, insurance companies, doctors) for the most precious part of life, creating our families. Not only are we depending on there people, the truth is that we are at their MERCY. At their fucking mercy.

Thank you ReplacedMe, for releasing me from any doubt or pining I had over our missed friendship. Readers, please don’t get the impression that I am in a terrible mood over this. Not at all. I just hate that bitch. After she said that I literally felt a little internal click, a “I’m sooooo over you” click. I didn’t even feel mad. I Just thought, oh thank you, thank you for saying that.

But God help me if I have to hear “relax” or “just let it happen” from anyone else ever again.


13 Responses to “released”

  1. vee Says:

    I’m laughing, and I’m sorry for that – I heard the exact same words from my arsehole doctor yesterday, but this story just takes the biscuit!
    You shouldn’t feel demeaned, you should feel superior – in intellect, in sensitivity, in compassion, in dedication.
    And feel free! Which is a small good thing, amidst all the shit.

  2. Calliope Says:

    how very kind of replacedme to reveal her true stupid, dumb, fucked up, annoying and placating self. It does make it so very easy to release the notion that ever need to be pals with this gal.

    ugh!!!! “relax?”” ha ha ha

  3. HA – sometimes things happen (or don’t) for reasons beyond our grasp. I guess the reason you two aren’t friends isn’t beyond your grasp anymore.

  4. shelli Says:

    did you enlighten her at all?

    You know on the fact that sperm just doesn’t “hang out” anywhere near either of your girly bits on a regular basis…

    stupid bimbo.

    I can’t believe that soemone ACTUALLY said that.


    So so sorry!

  5. j Says:

    Did you slap her?

  6. temmerling Says:

    I LOVE those kinds of moments. The moment when you realize that you’re just done. So lovely. So very lovely. Better, even, than a realization through therapy, because this comes directly from them and you feel it in your very cells.

    You know, I had another lesbian, who had just gotten pregnant after several months of trying (and after having to try for 11 months to get her first) tell me the relax and it’ll happen when you forget about bullshit. You’d think she’d have learned…

  7. Co Says:

    I am glad it finally freed you from wishing you could be friends with ReplacedMe.

    One of L’s friends from college is a physician and a lesbian. I was telling her briefly about how hard it’s been to conceive and how much of a strain it’s been to deal with an R.E. and she stopped me and said, “You know, what you really need to do is to just relax and then you’ll get pg.” From a lesbian physician’s mouth to my ears. And I know she meant well in saying it.

    But glad it brought you release!

  8. jennifer Says:

    Yeah, I got that crap from a bunch of people and it made me want to spit nails. It is hard to relax when you are dealing with donors and tanks and doctors and IUIs and IVFs and rearranged schedules and sadness and disappointment, just like you said. (I also got: “Why don’t you just go to a bar and pick up some man?” ! ! ! ! ! ! !) Anyway, how great that you found the lesson in this awful encounter. I truly believe all of life’s trials teach us some sort of lesson. Not that I can figure half of them out!

  9. Bri Says:

    I truly wish that we could guarantee that you never had to hear that line again. I can’t count the number of times I heard it. And then again after it worked – “See, you just needed to relax!” As though I had ever actually relaxed? Do they think “relax” is the same as “give up all hope and live in utter despair”? No, not usually. Usually it is more like some Secret universe-requesting openness to shit. I hate this more than anything. The fact that babies are ever born may seem miraculous but it is down and dirty science with a bit of luck thrown in. Or a lot of luck, sometimes. My emotions on the matter are completely moot. Fucker. I am glad you were able to get your release, however it had to come.

  10. Lo Says:

    Sounds like Voldem@rt & ReplacedMe deserve each other.

  11. whathef*ck Says:


  12. lagiulia Says:

    If I had a nickel for every time I heard “just relax,” I’d put all the nickels in a giant sock and then knock people unconscious with it. The thing about letting it happen with two women is hi-fuckin-larious. I mean, not funny to you probably, but geez. How dumb can you get?

  13. manda Says:

    Oh MY GOD. Your feelings are so right on about that sh*t. How infuriating! Why is it that people feel like that is an appropriate comment? People say that to us after two years of trying and i just want to kick them in the shins. Ugh!

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