two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

help January 23, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 2:08 am

Usually I want acknowledgement of my pain, but right now I need to be fixed a little. Please tell my how OK this will be. Please tell me how OK it will be to have one kid I am related to and one kid I am not related to. In the stress and pain of all this, I have lost my grasp on that which felt so clear and good a short time ago. I feel very attached to the biology of it all and I don’t want to.

Please please please tell me that I will love the next kid the same (but only if it is true).

That is…if another kid ever even shows up.


13 Responses to “help”

  1. Shelli Says:

    Oh my G-d, it will SOOOOOO be OK.

    I still yearn to be pregnant, but Malka erased the immediate pain, and closed the hole to almost an invisible dot.

    It will be the child that is meant to be that is the child that will be.


    I totally understand that when you are in the middle of your own pain, that the edges of it all get a bit blurry, and it’s hard to look beyond the rim – but there’s a beautiful world beyond the cup of your own pain and suffering. You’ll see it when you’re ready.

    In the meantime, I’m sending you love, and support.

  2. art-sweet Says:

    I love Shelli’s analogy.

    I think it will be ok. This baby will be the product of so much more than biology. Seeing the woman you love grow and nurture and birth a baby inside her. The wonderful gift of WTF and rocketman. All these things together… you’ll find love in your heart and then some.

  3. Says:

    I sure hope so – Wes will be in the same situation. I can tell you that in both pregnancies, his eyes lit up awfully soon into the whole deal. Something about that flickering heartbeat on the screen, maybe. It’s hard not to get attached and excited whether it’s inside you or not. He certainly coos at it more than I do and has full on conversations with it in the same manner he does with the dogs (high regard, obviously)

    I know my family dynamics are complicated by weirdness but I can also say that even though I know my sister better because of age and geography, I truly do not love my brother any less. Biology was totally not an issue there from the very first moment I saw him – I just wanted to smother him in kisses. Still kinda do but now he’s twice my size or something. But he still lets me. And kisses back. Gotta love that.

  4. Estelle Says:

    I love Charlie, don’t I? My heart beats for him and I can’t stand being apart from him even to go to work.
    We can’t give him a bio sibling. And that hurt. A lot. More than it should have. But we’ve accepted it, and know that in our situation, it’s for the best.
    But you will love the next baby. Just as much as S loves LM.

  5. Says:

    On some level, baby-making in every form is an act of pure faith.

    We think biology will somehow improve the odds that we will love this baby, but really, that’s no more logical than assuming that the baby will have all of the bioparents irritating qualities.

    So hard and scary as it is — and believe me, as we get ready for my partner to start ttcing, I’m scared too — we just have to have faith that any baby we are lucky enough to parent will unlock all the love in our hearts that it needs.

  6. Co Says:

    For the record, I’ll just validate you that I think it’s normal to feel like it’s hard to give up the biology now. It seems like a lot of your journey when you were deciding what to do when S. tried 6 times and nothing was about biology. You got excited about giving LM a full sib, and having a child related to both of you. So, it seems normal to me that you might find that hard to give up.

    I can’t speak from experience, but you will love a child that is not biologically yours. She (I didn’t want to say it or s/he, so I am picking she) will be a little piece of S at conception. But as she grows, she will become a little piece of both of you, as well as 100% herself.

    And you will love her.

    Now for my cheesy quote:
    “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.”
    -Richard Bach

  7. Calliope Says:

    your capacity for love is infinite. You will love being a part of the creation of this child and watching S birth this child. You will love watching your Son fall in love with this child.
    it WILL be ok.
    I heart you and hate all the shit you are wading through.

  8. whatthef*ck Says:

    does s love lm more because he is from ud’s sperm? i think not. she loves him because he is yours, that is yours and hers. this baby will be yours, yours, yours and you won’t be able to imagine anyone but her. remember how much you wanted a girl? but now you have lm and he couldn’t be anyone but himself.

    after all our dead babies, we will meet this live one and she will be the one. lc wasn’t the one and tiny baby boy wasn’t the one.

    if i know you, and i believe i do missy, you will be SOOOOOOO attached as soon as you see those two pink lines. then a heartbeat, and a baby body, and a growing belly. jesus i want to cry just thinking about how you’re going to want to cry seeing s havin’ your (hers and yours) baby!!

    none of this means there aren’t losses to be grieved. always with the damn grief and despair in one hand and the joy and hope in the other. couldn’t we just have two handfuls of joy? someday we will, i promise.

  9. lagiulia Says:

    I haven’t been through needing to use a donor, but I am confident in telling you that it will be okay. Each time your plan fell apart, you made a new one you were able to get behind. That says SO MUCH about you and S and how resilient and focused you can be together when you really want/need something. And the fact that you are still loving each other through it all is something big. The pain you have been through/are going through is tremendous, but so is your love and strength. Cry and wail or be silent and depressed, or anything else that you need to go through, and at the same time keep in your pocket the thought that just maybe it will be okay. Just the fact that you’re asking us to say so makes me think that a part of you is already open to the possibility of okay-ness.

  10. B Says:

    I’m the non-bio mom to Kiddo, and I can say that you WILL love them in an overwhelming quantity. And, since they’ll be a different individual than LM anyway, you won’t be able to quantify how/if you love them diffrently.


    You know I’m not a pollyanna about such things, and have complained that it is HARD to be the non-bio mom during breastfeeding.

    But now that she’s three, I doubt Kiddo even knows OR cares about the biology. And I care less and less about biology every day.

  11. three minute palaver Says:

    I also think it will be ok for you when it happens. Also, this post made me think of Leggy’s Blog, which atlks about using donor embryo’s. They already have a son and she’s pregnant with twins as we type. Her blog is a true inspiration. it’s at
    It is password protected.
    If you email me at, I will share her email address, and you can write to her and ask for her password yourself. I do highly recommend you read her amazing journey. It makes my heart swell thinking about it.

  12. K77 Says:

    I simply adore my non-bio son, couldn’t love him any more than I do, and always have. For me though, he didn’t “really” exist until he was born.

    Of course I’m not worried that I won’t love a child who is completely non-biologically related to him, should I be lucky enough to carry a sibling for him.

  13. sariel & shlomit Says:

    you will love this child because s/he will be your child…i guarantee it.

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