two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

I Take It BACK January 17, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 5:23 pm

I guess I was wrong when I asked for the truth. Now I am getting comments that are just making me feel like total shit. So I guess I am not as tough skinned or desirous of being challenged as I thought. I absolutely take full responsibility for asking for it. But please stop. I’m just way too vulnerable for it right now.

“Dude. Is it possible that all of the DRAMA that seems to surround you isn’t just happening by accident? Have you thought about being nicer to people, especially those who have something really BIG that you want?

If I were you, I would try to focus on doing WHAT is right rather than BEING right.”

I have no idea why you think we are not being nice to them. We plan to be nothing but “nice” to them. Am I not allowed to vent? And what is the right thing to DO?

Also, OF COURSE I create some of the drama in my life. Did you think that would be a giant revelation for me?? Come on. But this drama I did NOT create. Other parts of this journey, sure, but not this. Clearly you don’t know me at all.

I then felt like you did not have much faith in me, the reader, to know how truly awful it was/is. I “got it” and didn’t need it to be re-iterated as it was.

I get this. I was NOT having a ton of faith in my readers to get it. I was/am defensive about it. So you are right about this. But not about this:

“I am simply saying, hurt, be pissed, be devastated, be hopeful, be everything, and then move forward and live, and then be open to the possibilities that the universe has something in store for you that is so much more than you could ever dream even though it may be different than what you imagined. Be open to the tiniest possibility of that if possible.”

OK. I think I see that you are trying to give me some hope, maybe say that something good will happened at the end of this. I get that, but please don’t assume that I am not open to the *tiniest* possibility that something OK or great will result. Also, knowing something will scar you, or hurt a relationship, is not the same thing as saying that the you will never be OK, or a relationship will NEVER EVER be OK? Do you guys REALLY think that I’m saying that I will never ever in the whole Universe be OK? Didn’t I say we would move on to having a kid another way? OF COURSE I WILL BE OK. I DON’T THINK THAT THE WORLD IS ENDING. I know that I will be OK, eventually. Our family will be OK. But that isn’t really what I’m focusing on right now, because things suck right now. I am sooooooo allowed to feel like my world is crumbling.

And if you want to give me some hope, do it gently. One more thing: This is not the moment for me to “move forward and live”. I have not been hating UD and H for 10 years and messing up my kids with my unending resentment and bitterness. This happened LAST WEEK.

I am not going to apologize for feeling shitty and hopeless about having a 2nd baby. Things feel shitty and hopeless!!! Just stop reading if that is too much for you, or if you need me to “buck up”.

Maybe I expect too much of people. Maybe you are right, commenters. Maybe I am just a drama seeking fucking idiot who is creating all the problems I’m having because I am not having enough faith or positivity.


17 Responses to “I Take It BACK”

  1. Co Says:

    People can be honest while also being considerate and thoughtful. Those things are not mutually exclusive.

    That’s just my two cents. (It’s not directed at anyone in particular.)

    Charlotte, I am sending much love to you and S. and LM. I know you will get through this. I know you know that, too.

    I hope you will continue to vent when you need to. I hope that some of us in the blogosphere still make you feel supported (because you are).

  2. Mama2BandT Says:

    Personally, I don’t think you’re a DSFI…I think you’re just like most of us there are certain things that are REALLY important to you and anything happening that involves that REALLY big thing are also big deals…I still want you to feel like you can vent…we’re here for you. Best of luck to you and yours!

  3. J Says:

    I’m going to agree with everything that Co just wrote, because she’s wicked smart, and right.

    Even if you were a DSFI (which I Don’t think you are) you would be entitled to rant about what you want, whenever you want, and how you want, because this is your blog.

    As for those who seek to kick you while your down and really raw and leave really not helpful anonymous comments – well, uh. yeah.

    You do have friends here, and we do have your back, and wish you really nothing but the best – even if our own situations are shit sandwiches. That’s just the way it is in this “thing of ours.” You know?

  4. Sophia Says:

    Yeah I also learned the hard way that sometimes I have to get all authoritarian on my blog and stress that this is MY blog, MY feelings, MY thoughts and in the end I RULE with impunity. Opinions and assvice are given space and freedom but I reserve the right to ignore and delete.

    Sending you much love and healing

  5. Calliope Says:

    I think Co nailed it. There is always a place for honesty, but being kind & considerate should be our first instinct in our ttc bubble.

    & dude- if you stop venting I will kick your ass.

  6. barbara Says:

    I am sorry this is happening with donor. And I am sorry about all that has unfolded on here. Maybe people like to read blogs because it boosts them up when others are in distress but I don’t think you have been anything but honest and if people can’t handle that then maybe they shouldn’t be reading other people’s inner thoughts. Everybody is different and the same experience can impact each person differently and I guess all I am saying is your experience and emotions are completely valid so I hope you don’t feel ashamed and I hope you keep sharing.

  7. frog Says:

    I never understand why people think bloggers owe anything to anyone but themselves. Work through what you need to work through, write what you want to write.

    Hang in there, char.

  8. sariel & shlomit Says:

    i’m so sorry you are in all this pain.
    this is your space, as my blog is mine – you are entitled to rant and share your pain and unedited thoughts (and joys when you feel ’em) all you want…

  9. Beth Anne Says:

    Just delete those awful comments and forget about them. These people don’t truly know you and shouldn’t be passing judgement on you. You have enough on your plate to worry about them. It’s easy to say awful things when you can hide behind the computer. Good luck with everything – once you have your second child, you’ll be glad that everything happened the way it did because you won’t be able to imagine having any other baby then the one you finally get. I have faith that it will happen again for both of you.

  10. bleu Says:

    I am so very very sorry if what I said was in any way hurtful. Truly it was meant to give you hope, to say this sucks but there could come a time when it may make sense when it is so not making sense now. I also know this just happened, it just had seemed, and I am the first to say I may have mis-read, that you felt it you would never get over it, you wrote you would never get over it, so that was where I was saying that from. I am very sorry, the last thing I would ever want is to make someone feel worse, I truly was trying to support. I shall keep my mouth/hands shut from now on I promise.

  11. charlotte Says:

    Bleu – I get that your intention was to give me hope, but much of what you said just didn’t do that for me. Your synopsis comment here is fine..the simple “this sucks but there could come a time when it may make sense when it is so not making sense now,” really is hopeful and not offensive to me at all.

    And you are kinda right…if they say no, I may well never ever get over it. I mean that in a way like I might forgive her/them and I will move on…I won’t think about it every day, I won’t hold on to a giant ball of spiteful hate, but it will always be a wound or a scar, and if they don’t ever talk to me about their decision and appologize, it might mean I don’t want much more than a cordial relationship with them.

    I am all about moving on and working things out in due time, but I don’t forget things like this. Maybe some people move on in a way where they never have feelings about something after they let it go, but that isn’t me.

    But I really do appreciate, and know, that your intenetion was good, and thank you so much for commenting here and appologizing. No bad feelings 🙂

  12. bleu Says:

    Thanks so much Charlotte, I was a crying hormonal mess worrying I had offended. Please know I am really hoping she comes out of whatever her deal is and things change soon.

  13. charlotte Says:

    Bleu- I’m sorry you cried. Honestly, I would have reacted WAY less to your comment had there not been the shitty comment after yours, and had I not already been feeling raw and defensive.

  14. B Says:

    I apologize. I took that way too far.

    I’m the non-bio mom trying to have our second, and I’m so scared that that I’m obviuosly pre-embittered. How f-ed up is that?

    I’ve got six (or fewer, depending on thaw quality) vials of our frozen donor left. He’s out of the program, so there really is an end point to this.

    My partner was FERtile (pregnant on the first try, then again on the fourth). I was anovulatory for the first THREE cycles I charted. I’m so scared to fail that it’s taken me 15 cycles to start.

    Seeing a couple switch uteri must touch a nerve for me, as my partner has made it very clear that “we’re going for six and DONE.” That means she won’t try again (age, weight), she doesn’t want me to try with another frozen donor, she doesn’t support going beyond medicated IUIs, she’s completely opposed to known donors, and she’s actually anti-adoption.

    Ok, so she’s pretty f-ed up… maybe I need to address that part first.

    Long way of saying SORRY. You’re entitled to your own story/feelings/pain/anger, and I don’t need to transfer my crap to your story.

  15. charlotte Says:

    B- Thank you so much for the apology and explanation. I appreciate hearing your story and I hope that it works out for you. I think it is easy to get triggered and project your crap onto other people in general, but especially with issues like babies, womanhood, pregnancy, competition.

    I was thinking already that the switch back to me would touch a nerve in people, as we were technically “giving up” on S, although that is not how it feels to either of us.

    Anyway, you certainly did not have to come back here and apologize, and I appreciate it.

  16. Natalie Says:

    This is your personal space to work out whatever needs working out in whichever way you need to. Venting is abso-fucking-lutely allowed. Anyone who says different can just sit back down on their rubber mat and keep blowing the bubbles. I mean that in the nicest way of course.

  17. Kim Says:

    Your blog, your words, your life. Period.

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