dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

I am choosing to believe… January 13, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 12:51 am

…that they, well she, will change her mind.

Otherwise I am literally sobbing in bed unable to move.

Please note that although I am a dramatic person. I NEVER EVER spend the day crying in bed. Ever.period.

Never have I been do devastated by any negative pregnancy test or donor let down, and we have had so so many.

This is not something I will ‘get over’. I mean, I will in terms of trying some other way if we need to, but never emotionally. And having the door shut on a bio sibling for my son is so incredibly shitty that I cannot imagine that anyone else can even imagine it. It is SO different from vials being recalled, or melting due to a bank power outage. This is a KD, the best one ever. This is the KD that doesn’t even feel like a KD. When me were using frozen sperm, I felt SAD that I would not be able to relate to anyone about having a KD! That is how great this situation is: I forget that it even exists. We just have a son who is related to both of us. We are lesbians with a kid who looks more like her than me. Everything he does is attributable, directly, to one of our families. And even though we were going to not use the option again…having it possibly, probably ripped away is rendering me completely unable to function. The intensity of that will fade, I know, but it creates this hole which will never ever go away or heal. I know myself. And I know this.

I am choosing to believe that they will handle whatever they need to handle to say yes to us. If I think about the other option…letting go completely, I start to bawl and need to hide in my room.
Without knowing exactly what is going on with UD and H, we cannot make a good choice, so we are skipping this month and will try to talk to them again in a few weeks. We are rescheduling the HSG for S, but we don’t want to have to do it. As strange as it may sound to you all, this decision (to use UD) felt full circle.right.happy. After the initial sadness about S missing out on pregnancy, we were happy. Happier than we have ever been about any option.

So I might be setting myself up for a giant kick in the ass. I know I am.

And I’ll deserve it.

I’ll deserve every minute of crying myself to sleep because I could be choosing to do that now and have it over with and move on. But I can’t. Neither can S. Part of me thinks I deserve the devastation anyway. Who was I to have the BALLS to believe that any option would create a lovely happy baby? Who am I do hope for a single second that this will turn out well? That we will get pregnant again? Why on earth, at this point, are we still even trying? I am glad that I have this blog, to prove to myself that I am not exaggerating the suck and the hell that our journey for baby #2 has been.

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4 Responses to “I am choosing to believe…”

  1. ~ daniellehttp://alazyknitter.wordpress.com Says:

    😦 haven’t commented in a while, but I wanted to poke my head in and let you know that I get it… really really get it. We always assumed that our KD for Bub (Heather’s brother, same sitch as you’re in) would donate for #2. When the wife was pregnant with their #5, I offhandedly said something about wishing Heather would go for our #2 and wouldn’t it be funny to be pregnant by the same guy at the same time. It got weird, then weirder, then she let me know (in an IM) that they weren’t willing to donate again. Only in our situation, she said he was the one who had some issues and didn’t feel comf doing it again. I never delved any deeper, I was too hurt.

    Anyway, that was a really long way to say I get it, and it fucking sucks, and I’m SO SO SO SO SO sorry you are having to deal with more crap and can’t just make another damn baby already! Much love to you and S and LM.

  2. AJ Says:

    I have been thinking about you two alot the last few days! I really really really hope that she changes her mind, and soon.

  3. Kim Says:

    Charlotte,

    First let me say Im new to this blog stuff. I just created my own today. Has no info yet…but Ill get there.

    My girl friend and I have just recently started talking about having a child. So I’ve been doing all the reading I can do. I just finished your blog and I must say you and S are very strong!

    You are in my prayers and I wish you nothing but luck and happiness.

  4. BethGo Says:

    I’ve never commented here before but I feel the need to now.
    Can you explain to him the major medical benefits for LM to have a full sibling?
    Of course we hope that nothing would ever happen but full siblings are genetically closer that even parent and child.
    I think about this because I only have half sibs and if I ever need bone marrow, I’m probably screwed.
    It’s just logic. LM and his future sib would just have each other.
    That’s just good sense, you know?
    I really hopes this all works out the way you want it to.


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