It is worse than any other let down.
The worst of the worst.
I feel skewered.
S was right. She could tell in the IMs with her brother that things were not looking good. I, on the other hand, could not really imagine that she was going to say no. And they didn’t, but in the same motherf*cking way that PPKD and The Wife did. They said we can’t right now. UB couldn’t give details, but he sounded just wrecked and wanted us to know how seriously they were taking this, and giving us this answer was not done lightly. Whatever is going on for them, they can’t do it right now. The end. There is no negotiating with that.
So now our fallback plan is gone. Our safety net.
I was getting so excited to be pregnant again. And I have a lot of faith in my body. It would have worked in the first few times, I’m pretty sure.
We have become SO attached to LM having a full sibling. SO attached to doing it this way. It was such a difficult road to get there and I was there. Ready. More than willing. Happy about it. S and I were not really that tearful about the decision to stop with her. In a matter of 2 days we were feeling so ready for me to go, like it was meant to be all along. The more we talked the more committed we realized we both were to doing it this way. ANd this doesn’t happen just because we make any old decision. We are not able to talk ourselves into decisions that are not right. Ever. This.felt.right.
Now I feel skewered and shattered and I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. Even if we never chose this option…it was there. It was waiting beneath us in case other things didn’t work. And now we are alone on a tightrope with no net.
I have no words for how truly terrible this feels. Like my ovaries were removed or someone died. I have no words. No analogy makes sense. No comparison.
S and I both ovulate next week, and we are going to do nothing with either egg. A forced break in the worst circumstance. I am reluctant ever to use that term, because it is saved for things that truly are the worst, dead babies, menopause when you are 20.
But for me, this is a worst situation. The worst. Dreadfully, painfully, never.get.over.it.ever bad. The worst. If I didn’t have a kid and a wife and a life that I love I would drive off a cliff.