This was the appointment that was cancelled, unavailable, partially rescheduled, fully rescheduled, then the time was changed. When S finally got there (without me because I had to be with LM and I found out that they FROWN UPON bringing your child to the office AT ALL, but that is another post) and gave her name at the front desk all the office chicks were laughing with S about how well they know me by now, but have never spoken with S.
She saw Nurse Nice, got swabbed and pricked and questioned. Done. We got a packet of info about how they do everything.
HSG (dye test) before Clomid.
Swabs and cultures before HSG.
No IUIs during the same cycle as the HSG, but if you get it at least 3 days prior to ovulation you can do a fresh insemination.
As the nurse was explaining all the tests, blood draws, and the details of the HSG and Clomid, all my poor S could think was ‘boy I feel badly for the people who have to go through all this…I’m glad it exists for those people.’Heh. Yeah, we both know we are those people at this point.
How can I explain the 19 hours of conversation we have had in the last few days…well, I won’t because no one would read it. I will summarize by explaining our new possible option. I will call it plan I. But I will get to that in a minute. First I must give you a briefest of brief rundown on why it is called Plan J.
Plan A is we get to make a baby together. Oops we are chicks. NoGo.
Plan B is S has our first baby. Didn’t happen because I wanted to go 1st (and the situation was right)
Plan C is we get a baby related to both of us with a known donor. Check. Done. LM.
Plan D is S has a second baby via a KD in close proximity to baby #1. NoGo. Soooo Over.
Plan E is S has a second baby with a great, perfect KD who looks like me etc. Oh holy hell how over that is.
Plan F is S has a baby with frozen sperm. Two shots, hated it, over.
Plan G is S has a baby with a new KD. Not working.
So we move on to the current plans. The two plans we are stuck between.
Plan H is S goes through some testing and possibly asks KD to go through testing IUIs etc, and we continue trying to get her pregnant.
Plan I is S forfeits her turn (sucks ass), and Charlotte has baby #2 (baby who will be related to both and a full sib for LM).
Oh how we struggle. Yes we have considered taking a month off to decide, but that sounds utterly unappealing to both of us.
So tonight at dinner a new plan emerged. S wants to be pregnant pretty bad, but she also is not sure she wants it bad enough to keep trying, at this point, in this situation. But she cannot seem to shake the sense that she might regret not being pregnant. Thus, Plan J.
Plan J is that Charlotte has the next kid, knowing that S may be fine with two kids in the future, and might be fine not being pregnant once we have our complete family, UNLESS she decides that she does need to do it! In which case we will try again for her, with a dreaded third child (only I dread the idea of a third child – it just feels like we’ll need a school bus to schlep our hordes around town). So if she wants it that badly after we have two she will be willing to go through all the tests and put forth all the necessary emotional energy.
Plan J involves a risking that she will feel the need to do it after all and to do so we would be forced to try for a third kid. But it could also happen that she is happy with the two we get and we will be done.
I am so tired and talked out that I don’t even know if this post makes sense. We don’t want to be making a cop out decision because we can’t face the reality that S might never get to have a baby. Yet, it feels VERY relieving to have another plan…one that is not either I go or she goes. But we are still totally not sure that it is a good idea. It feels hard for both of us to let go of our dreams of S being pregnant right now. Or ever. HOnestly, I don’t want 3 kids, although that could change later, and Maybe I’m willing to change that now. And at this point it is becoming harder for me to shake the excitement I’m feeling about me having another once (how effing quickly that happened).
So we are playing video games and totally not talking about it. Speaking of which I must return to said video game so we can snuggle on the couch and discuss our game strategy and totally NOT discuss our baby strategy. Last night we stayed up until 1am playing together. Oh the geekiness.
OK I’m done. Phew. Tell me what you think of it all.