dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

more waiting, and also grumpy January 29, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 10:13 pm

S’s period is finally here, so we can move the eff on. I scheduled the HSG for next Tuesday, the 6th. I have some hope riding on this cycle, but in the back of my mind there is this nagging sense that this isn’t really the way I want to have our next kid.

I’m desperately trying to accept that this process just doesn’t care about what I want or my timeline.

On a positive note, we have not been diagnosed infertile, and we still could use me, with a frozen donor or a known donor, although that option (me going again and not having a bio sib for LM) makes me feel ill.

I am trying to buck up and move forward. Depression issues are making that difficult. I tend towards depression anyway, and the mess that is trying-to-make-our-next-baby just makes the depression worse. Finally I am taking care of some neglected stuff: paying bills, doing chores, getting out of the house with my son, going to work and just trying to survive.

I have not been posting much because just “surviving” doesn’t make good blogging. I’m lucky I am making it out of bed.

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slightly elevated estradiol January 27, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 1:20 am

S’s number on CD 3 was 48. According to our RE this is slightly elevated, enough to want us to come in and get it retested. Could be an ovarian cyst. Could be “old ovaries” working too hard to get eggs out. Could be nothing. According to Dr. Google (heh) the normal range is 25-75, but our RE likes to see number in the 20’s and 30’s. Now we also need to schedule an ultrasound to look for cysts. I hate that we have to pay for more tests, and it makes me want to scream at UD and H, but that is not feasible seeing as we are not speaking to them.

Anyone have elevated estradiol?

I hate this. Each piece of bad news just chinks away at what little hope I have left.

And J*sus, I shouldn’t be complaining now! We have not even entered the realm of bonafide fertility problems, or the realm of potential pregnancy problems. I hate this road. This road is long and full of steaming piles of shit we keep stepping in.

 

the HSG January 25, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 7:24 am

S will be getting the HSG this cycle, and our RE recommends taking an antibiotic for 5 days around the time of the procedure. Did y’all do this? Also, S tested positive for urea plasma (sp?) and they wanted her and ME (wtf?) to take a 7 day course of antibiotics prior to the procedure, then get another swab. As far as I can tell this is a worry for pregnancy, not the HSG per say. Is all this shit really necessary? I know the antibiotics for the HSG are to prevent uterine infection, but I’m curious what you all think of the whole thing, if you have any recommendations (RE also said to take adv*l beforehand). We will be scheduling, hah! I mean I will be scheduling the HSG on her CD1, which should be Monday, for CD7, which is a week from then…so the test will be in like a week and a half? And what do you know about urea plasma?

It is very strange to have no possibility of being pregnant this time. Breaks suck ass. We don’t feel renewed AT ALL. We feel like holy fuck can be just be pregnant already????

On the UD and H front…I don’t know how we will ever forgive them, much less talk to them. What a nightmare.

We better get a damn good baby after all this.

And thank you all from the depths of my soul for all your encouraging comments in my last post…I sososo needed to hear those things…it really made a difference.

 

help January 23, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 2:08 am

Usually I want acknowledgement of my pain, but right now I need to be fixed a little. Please tell my how OK this will be. Please tell me how OK it will be to have one kid I am related to and one kid I am not related to. In the stress and pain of all this, I have lost my grasp on that which felt so clear and good a short time ago. I feel very attached to the biology of it all and I don’t want to.

Please please please tell me that I will love the next kid the same (but only if it is true).

That is…if another kid ever even shows up.

 

it is an indefinite ‘we don’t know’ which is ‘no’ to us January 22, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 12:40 am

UD recommends we not call H, so I suppose she really does not want to talk to us about this at all. They are feeling really “pressured” and are not at a point where they can “have an in depth conversation” with us. They really need to focus on “our own issues right now”…which by the way are not cancer or divorce or anything like that.

So that is fucking that. We move on to S next cycle.

I just have absolutely nothing else to say.

 

I just needed to share something good January 20, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 6:09 am

LM says amazing things all the time, and I really need to write them down. Most recently he said, verbatim:

“I want to go to the beach because there are secrets in the ocean.”

The kid is 2 years old.

 

my stomach is in knots all day January 18, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 11:28 pm

This waiting is really taking a toll on me. I got sick this week. I had to call in sick from work on Wednesday. I just feel like I’m a wreck, and I can’t get my shit together. We are on pins and needles AND eggshells AND anything else sharp and delicate you can think.

Waiting and trying to figure out how to contact or not contact them:

1. how – what do we say? do we ask them to talk just the 4 of us? do we try to get together for a no-talking-about-donor-shit fun time with our families so we can do some reconnecting? do we tell them we NEED to see them face to face, or do we just pu something out there and hope they want to see us too?

2. via what medium- phone, IM, email

3. to who we should address anything – does S contact UD 1st or do we just send an email to both of them? On the one hand S should probably just talk to UD and maybe they can get together just the two of them. On the other hand, going through him to her and her not seeing us and us not seeing or talking to her seems like a bad plan.

4. do we do absolutely nothing and wait for them to contact us? btw UD has not emailed, called or chatted either of us, and it has been a week.

Arg. There is not an easy answer to ONE of those conundrums. Not one. Meanwhile we are all about anxious tummies and the inability to concentrate.

P.S. S just told me that she is too busy at work today to email or IM UD. So nothing will happen until tomorrow, unless she calls him tonight, which is unlikely. I just want to fall asleep for a few months.