two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Today, I am making a change December 6, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 12:30 am

**note: i wrote this yesterday, quickly, no editing and posted it for a few hours. then i took it down because it felt raw, or something, and i thought that if no understood what i was saying i would be really upset. it is not so deep…i mean surely i have posted much more revealing/embarrassing/weird posts, but this one is just, well, important. and after i wrote it, S and i had a great conversation about our next steps with ttc. you know listening to each other, not making assumptions, expressing our feelings. i’ll post about it tomorrow. i guess that’s all. i don’t know why this feels like such a big deal . i can only assume that a fundamental internal shift happened yesterday.**

Before I explain, I want to say that I am still grieving the lost potential of this try and all of our other tries. I was feeling very defeated today, and a host of other feelings which I will blog about later. But now I am feeling like working through my anger, grief and bitterness by acting with some motherf*cking grace in my own life.

Specifically, I mean that I want to help someone else. I want to help a child, or a single mother. I am not sure how yet, but today I will begin my quest. In some ways this is a selfish act. I need some grace in my life, and I will begin by feeling grateful for what I have, and by helping someone else. I want so desperately to bring another child into this world while there are so many children suffering. So many children without homes, without food, without parents, being beaten, being raped, being neglected.

I am always overwhelmed this time of year (and really should be the rest of the year too) by the beauty and horror of humanity. I do not want to be a selfish American (there are other things I am fine with being selfish about by the way) who thinks only of what I want, when I want it. Wanting a child is not bad. It is not selfish. But I am so full of only this experience lately. I have lost perspective. I have no idea if you can understand what I am talking about, I barely do. What I am saying is that I am sad and frustrated, S and I have fought more in the last year than ever before in our relationship, I am discouraged, I am hopeless, I am bitter and I NEED some grace and the best way I can think of to get it is to give it.

I am not trying to escape my sadness. Nor do I think that this will solve my problems, but I need some perspective. I refuse to JUST feel sorry for myself. I have the resources (even though we are totally, scarily in debt) to make a difference in the lives of some children who are already here on this earth.

I have food. I have family. I have love. I am safe in a home. I have a 2 year old who said to me today: “Mommy, lets do some hand holding.”

So I am rising from the ashes of this try, this potential baby, this time that we are still not pregnant, this sadness, to try something different. If any of you want to join me, or have any ideas, please share them. I promise that I have not turned into a self righteous do-gooder overnight. I am just as caddy and shallow as always, I am simply attempting to add another layer.

Grace. Perspective.


7 Responses to “Today, I am making a change”

  1. whatthef*ck Says:

    huh? oh sorry i was trying to figure out what that comment means and got distracted.

    you go girl! you have been making sense to me all along but know you’re really talking sense. a little reality check can hook a girl up. i love the idea, the sentiment, the reason, and everyhting else about your revelation. you could do the big sister thing.

    i’m really proud of you and how you are finding your way along this winding road. that lame analogy (was that really an analogy?) was in deference to the winding road song on the garden state soundtrack which as you know carried me through this miserable summer. btw, i found a great book about the solstice and how it’s tied to a traditional celebration of Christmas.

    i think that donating sperm to you and s was an act like the one you are thinking of doing. it was and is an expression of our gratitude for all the gifts that we have. it was an acknowledgement that we don’t have the third child that we’ve struggled so mightily for and that we may never have that child and that will somehow be okay. it was a way of being graceful when life handed us two extremely painful disasters. it was a way of giving something that we long for ourselves and expetcing nothing in return, not from you or from the universe. it might be one of the best things i’ve ever done.

    even if you don’t follow through with something big, your intentions will create a shift or are themselves a reflection of the shift that will help you get through this. i am so glad that you found a little relief. i love you. sweet dreams.

  2. charlotte Says:

    I deleted a comment that was an add

  3. Sacha Says:

    ::big hug::

    I don’t think I have any suggestions. I just know that you get to a point when you can’t let the pain consume you. Distraction and refocusing is good. And it’s something you need to do to get through this.

    M. and I fought more during TTC than ever before. For the first time in fucking thirteen years I felt like our relationship might be bordering on breaking apart. I say this to tell you that a) you are not alone and b) TTC is one of those things that can truly stress even the strongest of relatonships.

    If I think of anything brilliant, I’ll tell you.

  4. lagiulia Says:

    I read your post when you initially put it up but didn’t comment for fear of saying something stupid at a delicate time. But I really liked what you wrote. I think there are different points in life when something inside you shifts and there is inspiration and the action that you are inspired to take affects both the outside world and your internal self. It is powerful. I do believe that doing something for others is almost always a way to make you feel good, at the very least. Like WTF said, maybe a big sister or mentor thing would work for you? You area or city may have a volunteer center that matches potential volunteers up with organizations in need, according to your interests.

    When we were having trouble ttc-ing, I was teaching at an elementary school, and the feeling that I was giving something to the children I taught that they didn’t already have was consistently rewarding and calming to me. So I think I do understand what you’re saying, and I’m glad that you are feeling some kind of new momentum. And of course, I still want to say that I’m sorry this cycle didn’t work. Take care.

  5. charlotte Says:

    NO big sister thing! I can barely take care of my own kid. And I am not that giving!!! Also I am a therapist to kids, so I feel like I already give that gift. I’m thinking I’ll donate some money, or adopt a family for the holidays. I always start BIG then give up, so I think I need to start small.

  6. Trista Says:

    I hear you. And really that is just an amazing movement. To get grace, give it.

    I SO understand where you’re coming from here. I do. I feel it, too.

    Are you still looking for ideas of what to do? email me if you are…

  7. Kim Says:

    It’s hard, isn’t it, not to let TTC take over your entire world? Cheers for you, for pulling out of your funk. 🙂

    Ideas? Over the year, knit/crochet scarves & hats and donate them to a shelter. Donate books to your local literacy council. Volunteer for story-hour at the library, reading to children.

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