**note: i wrote this yesterday, quickly, no editing and posted it for a few hours. then i took it down because it felt raw, or something, and i thought that if no understood what i was saying i would be really upset. it is not so deep…i mean surely i have posted much more revealing/embarrassing/weird posts, but this one is just, well, important. and after i wrote it, S and i had a great conversation about our next steps with ttc. you know listening to each other, not making assumptions, expressing our feelings. i’ll post about it tomorrow. i guess that’s all. i don’t know why this feels like such a big deal . i can only assume that a fundamental internal shift happened yesterday.**
Before I explain, I want to say that I am still grieving the lost potential of this try and all of our other tries. I was feeling very defeated today, and a host of other feelings which I will blog about later. But now I am feeling like working through my anger, grief and bitterness by acting with some motherf*cking grace in my own life.
Specifically, I mean that I want to help someone else. I want to help a child, or a single mother. I am not sure how yet, but today I will begin my quest. In some ways this is a selfish act. I need some grace in my life, and I will begin by feeling grateful for what I have, and by helping someone else. I want so desperately to bring another child into this world while there are so many children suffering. So many children without homes, without food, without parents, being beaten, being raped, being neglected.
I am always overwhelmed this time of year (and really should be the rest of the year too) by the beauty and horror of humanity. I do not want to be a selfish American (there are other things I am fine with being selfish about by the way) who thinks only of what I want, when I want it. Wanting a child is not bad. It is not selfish. But I am so full of only this experience lately. I have lost perspective. I have no idea if you can understand what I am talking about, I barely do. What I am saying is that I am sad and frustrated, S and I have fought more in the last year than ever before in our relationship, I am discouraged, I am hopeless, I am bitter and I NEED some grace and the best way I can think of to get it is to give it.
I am not trying to escape my sadness. Nor do I think that this will solve my problems, but I need some perspective. I refuse to JUST feel sorry for myself. I have the resources (even though we are totally, scarily in debt) to make a difference in the lives of some children who are already here on this earth.
I have food. I have family. I have love. I am safe in a home. I have a 2 year old who said to me today: “Mommy, lets do some hand holding.”
So I am rising from the ashes of this try, this potential baby, this time that we are still not pregnant, this sadness, to try something different. If any of you want to join me, or have any ideas, please share them. I promise that I have not turned into a self righteous do-gooder overnight. I am just as caddy and shallow as always, I am simply attempting to add another layer.