two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

I hate her already December 1, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 9:25 pm

Apparently, PPKD and PTW are going to start “trying,” “soon”. I just want to put quotes on every word in that sentence.

At this point I think our friendship is just broken. After her breaking our trust, and the whole donor debacle, the friendship is fragile, and hanging on by a thread. The only reason that we maintain any relationship with them at all is the fact that S works with PPKD, and is his friend. S doesn’t make good friends often, so am willing to put forth some effort.

OK, but I am avoiding the topic at the beginning of this post. I don’t really know what I am feeling. It doesn’t make sense yet, but it is some mixture of hatred, annoyance and wanting to cry. She’s young, so they will probably get pregnant right away. Everything feels mixed up with them. She acted so immaturely and hurt us so badly, I am having a difficult time being OK with her getting pregnant before us…but even if we are pregnant too…I don’t really want to share that with her. I don’t want S and her to compare pregnancy complaints. I certainly don’t want this to be easy for them. Not after the fucking hell they put us through.

As you all know, I take responsibility for my actions in this relationship. We should have pulled out long before we did. When we found out that she was struggling with so many intense emotions (one of which was feeling physically ill when she thought about PPKD donating) we should have HIT THE FUCKING ROAD. I am aware of this. I take responsibility.

But I still don’t trust her. Please forgive the ragged stream of consciousness that is about to happen. And I hate that they are probably taking some irritating, patronizing high road about the whole thing. Like “we are so glad to be moving on with OUR family…I hope this isn’t too hard on C and S, poor blokes can’t get knocked up…I am so glad we have reclaimed our sperm…I am so glad that therapisty Charlotte is not meddling in our relationship anymore.” This last bit makes me want to throw up in their faces. S and I tried to HELP them during our last conversation bout all this crap, because she was being a phycho about adopting an older child as their first kid even though he was not on board with that at all. She cried about something. I said I thought they could get to the same page if she let go of her set plan about how they should have a family without including him AT ALL. And this was because he was not even ready for kids and didn’t know when he would be. WHY WAS I EVEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH THEM? Because it was all intermingled with our conversation with them about us and donorship and everything was confusing. But I am sure that they felt patronized by me implying that something was WRONG with their communication and that they could repair that. I must be crazy. Clearly.

I don’t know if you understood any of that, or even how it is relevant to their decision to start “trying”, but I am just really really upset and I needed to rant. If you know what I am feeling better than I do in this jumble of crap I just wrote, let me know.


5 Responses to “I hate her already”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    you just had your dreams hijacked.

    This is a woman who was so wishy washy & nuts about EVERYTHING & now she has found the light? it’s effing weird. & crap timing.

    Ok- here is my sort of weird analogy:

    You needed to borrow her car. It is a car that she has never used and it sits in the garage just collecting dust. The guy that made the car is cool with you using the car. He actually seems a bit thrilled that someone wants it. The woman that owns the car seems ok with it. I mean what is not to be ok with? Then she starts to think maybe it is not good for you to borrow her car- even though it doesn’t mean that you would OWN the car. Not at all.
    You have a deadline: places to go, things to do…clocks are ticking. You need to borrow a car and this effing woman can’t decide if she is going to let you and turns it into this big drama fest.
    Finally, you walk away. Who wants to borrow a car when there is so much baggage in the trunk of it??
    But now the lady that owns the car, the car that was in the garage collecting dust, wants to drive it. And she is probably the sort that will drive it around your block & toot the horn. She may even flaunt her car, shine it up and Sunday drive it.

    So I guess what I am saying is that chances are that car would have made for a shitty ride. & while she is driving around in it, it is perfectly fine for you to flip her off and have a bit of road rage.

    um…& you got that the car was sperm, right?

  2. Sacha Says:

    First off, you don’t have any obligation to feel okay about the situation. None at all.

    When M. and I started getting TTC she had a coworker who announced she was pregnant that very first month. She is a lesbian. She used FROZEN donor sperm. She got pregnant on the fucking SECOND try. I hated her. The entire time we were TTC we had to endure watching her becoming blissfully bigger, rubbing her swollen belly, making stupid comments like “we just did the math” and acting like getting pregnant was somehow like baking a cake or balancing your checkbook. It was such a relief when she went on maternity leave and never came back. I still hate her and her annoying little chubby ass baby.

    And that’s okay.

    PTW may get pregnant right away. She may not. Being a pessimist, she probably will because it will be the most ironic, painful thing that can possibly happen. Do you ever feel that you’re given just a little more pain than you think you can handle?

    It’s natural to want the people who have hurt you to hurt back. In this case, it’s natural to not want them to have what you want and what they almost gave you. I don’t think there’s any way around this and that you will probably be angry and hurt for a very long time. It’s something that will knaw at you and eventually you’ll learn to live with.

    And that’s okay too.

    As much as you accept responsibility, PPKD and PTW are not absolved of their own responsibility to recognize that they needed to step away from a situation that wasn’t going to work for them.

    You and S. were there, hoping, wanting so much, not wanting to lose what was almost in your grasp. Maybe you should have walked away earlier, but I remember how excited and hopeful you were. It’s hard to let that go. It’s understandable that you might hang on a little too long because of all those factors.

    Do I understand this better than you? I don’t understand why people go about meeting their personal needs in hurtful, painful ways. What I do understand is being hurt and working through all the emotions it brings up, all the responses you have, all the ways you develop of protecting yourself. It’s 100% no fun.

    Okay, I’ve written a novel and M. is busy finding subversive ways to sneak out of work early. I don’t know if any of it helped, but I think I’m pissed off right along with you.

  3. Trista Says:

    And there’s the thing that if she gets pregnant quicky would that mean that S would have gotten pregnant quickly had you gotten a chance to use PPKDs sperm? And in that case you two would be getting ready to welcome a baby into the world very, very soon, instead of being where you are now. And it doesn’t matter that Rocket Man has been proven to be potent. Because it’s not really about that.

    And I’m thinking about Whatthef*ck and her pregnancy and how that’s so lovely because SHE’s such a lovely person, and comparing her to the wife who toyed with you, and lied to you, and manipulated you and finally denied you something she’d been dangling like a carrot (and the denial was done in such a painful way!) now NOW she’s going to get what you two have wanted for so very long…and she’s probably going to expect you to be HAPPY for her, and if you’re not then she’s going to feel like such a superior person because clearly SHE would be happy for YOU if YOU were to get pregnant first!

    Bah. Now I have a sour stomach. I hope they have a brat and then you can look at that kid and think quietly to yourself “Thank GOD we didn’t use that sperm! and We are such the better parents!”

    As you can see, I am filled with bile.

  4. jay Says:

    OK so I thought I’d comment and then I read the others’ comments and realised they’d said everything I wanted to say but rather more eloquently than I could have managed to ;o)


    Well I’m a bitch and I don’t apologise.

    In solidarity.

  5. Co Says:

    I have a lot of friends who like to look at things very legalistically. It drives me insane. For example, a close friend was negligent when driving my car and damaged it to the tune of $180. Not only did she initially refuse to offer to pay part of the bill, but she even refused to apologize.

    What pissed me off were that two of my closest friends agreed that she shouldn’t offer to help pay. It was my car, they reasoned, so it was my responsibility to fix it.

    I agree that, in a legalistic sense, they’re right. It’s my car.

    But ya know what? I expect MORE than that from my friends.

    So, what’s my point? I did have one. Basically, I feel like you should be able to expect MORE from PPKD and FTW. More tact. More consideration. More lots of things. I think it took a lot of nerve for them to even tell you guys that they’re going to start “trying” “soon.”

    It’s like saying, I’m going to start “trying” to give myself the gift that I refused to give to you. Why should you feel joy for them or happiness or anything besides anger? It’s anger-making and nervy.

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