Apparently, PPKD and PTW are going to start “trying,” “soon”. I just want to put quotes on every word in that sentence.
At this point I think our friendship is just broken. After her breaking our trust, and the whole donor debacle, the friendship is fragile, and hanging on by a thread. The only reason that we maintain any relationship with them at all is the fact that S works with PPKD, and is his friend. S doesn’t make good friends often, so am willing to put forth some effort.
OK, but I am avoiding the topic at the beginning of this post. I don’t really know what I am feeling. It doesn’t make sense yet, but it is some mixture of hatred, annoyance and wanting to cry. She’s young, so they will probably get pregnant right away. Everything feels mixed up with them. She acted so immaturely and hurt us so badly, I am having a difficult time being OK with her getting pregnant before us…but even if we are pregnant too…I don’t really want to share that with her. I don’t want S and her to compare pregnancy complaints. I certainly don’t want this to be easy for them. Not after the fucking hell they put us through.
As you all know, I take responsibility for my actions in this relationship. We should have pulled out long before we did. When we found out that she was struggling with so many intense emotions (one of which was feeling physically ill when she thought about PPKD donating) we should have HIT THE FUCKING ROAD. I am aware of this. I take responsibility.
But I still don’t trust her. Please forgive the ragged stream of consciousness that is about to happen. And I hate that they are probably taking some irritating, patronizing high road about the whole thing. Like “we are so glad to be moving on with OUR family…I hope this isn’t too hard on C and S, poor blokes can’t get knocked up…I am so glad we have reclaimed our sperm…I am so glad that therapisty Charlotte is not meddling in our relationship anymore.” This last bit makes me want to throw up in their faces. S and I tried to HELP them during our last conversation bout all this crap, because she was being a phycho about adopting an older child as their first kid even though he was not on board with that at all. She cried about something. I said I thought they could get to the same page if she let go of her set plan about how they should have a family without including him AT ALL. And this was because he was not even ready for kids and didn’t know when he would be. WHY WAS I EVEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH THEM? Because it was all intermingled with our conversation with them about us and donorship and everything was confusing. But I am sure that they felt patronized by me implying that something was WRONG with their communication and that they could repair that. I must be crazy. Clearly.
I don’t know if you understood any of that, or even how it is relevant to their decision to start “trying”, but I am just really really upset and I needed to rant. If you know what I am feeling better than I do in this jumble of crap I just wrote, let me know.