Our good good friends had their 2nd baby last night, and it completely wrecked me.
Giant supping. Giant sobbing. Until 1am.
I had been doing rather well with her pregnancy. During the last few months it was a little hard to see her sometimes, but I quickly got over it. Nothing to go to therapy over. Nothing even to blog about really. I think I did once.
So they had the baby girl they wanted. I cried myself to sleep and cried off and on all day. All day poeple. This is VERY unlike me…to TOTALLY loose my shit.
I was dreading going to the hospital to see them, when S reminded me that I would feel better once I saw them, and held the baby.
I can’t even express how wrong she was.
I could barely hold it together in while visiting, and had tears streaming down my face by the time I walked out of the building. It probably didn’t help that the last time I was at this maternity center I was helping Voldem*rt (the name I have given to my former best friend) deliver her baby.
Before I go on and on about my wretched day I need to tell you all that I LOVE THESE PEOPLE. They even had trouble concieving Football Boy (this is their son and LM’s best friend). Two years kind of trouble. I want them to be happy. I want them to have a baby. I don’t want it instead of them, I just want it too.
During the visit Dad (I call him this because sometimes LM calls him this – it is cutecutecute and we find it hysterical) tells us how their other good friends came to visit earlier and how adorable it was for their daughter, same age as Football Boy, to show everyone her 3 month old brother (saying ‘look at my baby’) while Football boy showed everyone his new sister (‘no, look at myyyyyyy baby’). I’m doing a bad job of explaining, but it just sucked ass. I just gulped.
We started trying before they did, in terms of wanting a baby, charting, searching for a donor and saving money, etc. We often joked about how Dad (who works with S) would have a pregnant woman at work and a pregnant woman at home. Now we will have no overlap. And we were lapped. And the lapping is over because she delivered her baby. We are no longer even on the same track. They went to the winners circle and we are sitting in our lame car, all alone, like what just happened?? Now our respective families move into different zones entirely, and she joins ALL THE REST OF HER FRIENDS who have 2nd children already, or one on the way.
So there I was watching our dear friends adore their beautiful baby girl. Watching them enter newborn land.
I am also loosing my friend (kinda) who will now have no time to hang out with me ever.
And believe me, I know that we are lucky to have LM. I feel grateful for that every day. But this is really and truly painful, nonetheless.
Somehow, the fact that they had a girl just pushes the whole thing overboard into sup sup crying for me. Mind you I don’t even cry when we find out we are not pregnant. I think I feel in some fundamental way that because they got what they wanted (Football Boy’s mom and I both REALLY wanted girls next) I am certainly not going to get what I want. The Universe, in my warped fear, only has so many wishes to grant. And I am already so not getting what I wanted.
Saying I wish we were pregnant right now is an angering understatement. I wanted S and I to be delivering our baby six months ago.
We already have a child, so the universe will not deign me fit for that much happiness. We can’t possibly have a baby girl. We won’t get pregnant soon. We will end up with a 5 year age difference, or no baby, or some aweful trajedy. Because we don’t deserve better. Other people do, but not us. I know this is not true, but it feels true.
I know the universe doesn’t work this way.
But today I am not rational. I’m just sad.
Sad and very envious. And bitter. But mostly sad. And I just want to be happy for our friends that we love so much, but when I think about them with their cute girl, sending email announcements, kissing her head, looking at her tiny toes, introducing her to grandparents, trying to grasp the miracle of it all, sitting alone together in their room between nurse visits and feeling that love…that love that is like nothing in the whole world, well, I just want to weep with envy.