I am so f*cking bitter. I posted about this before, but I will again, because it is getting worse. I really really really want kids close in age. I wanted an 18 month difference. Now we will have a three year difference. For many reasons (even if some are stupid) the age difference between our kids is super important to me.
All I see at the park now are one and two year olds with their friggin baby siblings and/or giant pregnant moms. It has started to become gut wrenching. I am afraid that this will sound really shitty to those of you who want to have just one so badly, like I shouldn’t use words like wrenching, bitter or devastating. Maybe those words are reserved for those on their 4th IVF or 6th miscarriage.
Truly, though, I feel kinda devastated. It does not help that LM would be such a great older brother (not all kids are BTW). He loves babies. The other day at the park we were sitting near a parked stroller with a sleeping baby in it. He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the stroller saying “Mommy, come walk with me.”
He pointed to the baby and said “Mommy, she is wearing a hat and she has a toy.”
I agreed. He said “Mommy she is sleeping, look!”
I agreed again.
We admired her.
Later that same park outing he sat next to another baby and made giant silly faces at him.
He smiled and cooed and said “Mommy, this is a baby, yes!!”
Not all 2 year olds are like this. Certainly not boys. But mine is. And I wish wish wish we had a baby sibling for him right now, or at least one on the way. He would love being a brother. Siblings 3 years apart don’t play the same way. They just don’t. They really don’t. And we will be lucky at this point to even have a 3 year split. So we watch while everyone around us has their 2nd child. We watch while ALL LM’s little friends get siblings. And we wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Oh, then more waiting. Then more.
Certainly we are so FAR FAR FAR past what I wanted that I am reaching a point where I just feel like crying and feel sorry for myself.
This round I flat out can’t imagine that S is pregnant. I’m sure the hope will sneak in and dig its dirty nails into me again. Then we will see more negative pregnancy tests, watch her temperature plummet and start a whole new cycle with a giant fucking blank chart. Again.
I want another child so badly that it physically hurts.