two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Is this going to happen??? October 27, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 5:00 pm

I am so f*cking bitter. I posted about this before, but I will again, because it is getting worse. I really really really want kids close in age. I wanted an 18 month difference. Now we will have a three year difference. For many reasons (even if some are stupid) the age difference between our kids is super important to me.

All I see at the park now are one and two year olds with their friggin baby siblings and/or giant pregnant moms. It has started to become gut wrenching. I am afraid that this will sound really shitty to those of you who want to have just one so badly, like I shouldn’t use words like wrenching, bitter or devastating. Maybe those words are reserved for those on their 4th IVF or 6th miscarriage.

Truly, though, I feel kinda devastated. It does not help that LM would be such a great older brother (not all kids are BTW). He loves babies. The other day at the park we were sitting near a parked stroller with a sleeping baby in it. He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the stroller saying “Mommy, come walk with me.”

He pointed to the baby and said “Mommy, she is wearing a hat and she has a toy.”

I agreed. He said “Mommy she is sleeping, look!”

I agreed again.

We admired her.

Later that same park outing he sat next to another baby and made giant silly faces at him.

He smiled and cooed and said “Mommy, this is a baby, yes!!”

Not all 2 year olds are like this. Certainly not boys. But mine is. And I wish wish wish we had a baby sibling for him right now, or at least one on the way. He would love being a brother. Siblings 3 years apart don’t play the same way. They just don’t. They really don’t. And we will be lucky at this point to even have a 3 year split. So we watch while everyone around us has their 2nd child. We watch while ALL LM’s little friends get siblings. And we wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Oh, then more waiting. Then more.

Certainly we are so FAR FAR FAR past what I wanted that I am reaching a point where I just feel like crying and feel sorry for myself.

This round I flat out can’t imagine that S is pregnant. I’m sure the hope will sneak in and dig its dirty nails into me again. Then we will see more negative pregnancy tests, watch her temperature plummet and start a whole new cycle with a giant fucking blank chart. Again.

I want another child so badly that it physically hurts.


11 Responses to “Is this going to happen???”

  1. Mama2BandT Says:

    I truly understand where you’re coming from. I felt the same way when we were trying for B aka #2 we were lucky and had them at our desired ages, but I truly understand that ache and vision. I also had to remind myself how lucky we were to have T together…when some people never get pg. Yet, that doesn’t mean you still don’t have that desire.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    “I am afraid that this will sound really shitty to those of you who want to have just one so badly, like I shouldn’t use words like wrenching, bitter or devastating. Maybe those words are reserved for those on their 4th IVF or 6th miscarriage.”

    ok. you just cut that OUT! Your desire to have this baby is all yours & is not an emotion to be felt in proportion to other people’s desires. You are every bit as entitled to feel shat upon and upset and furious about this delay.

    I’m thinking of you.

  3. Co Says:

    I agree with Cali. No misery poker games. No pain-o-meter scores.

    You are entitled to your fears and your despair. This situation–your situation–is not what you wanted and it sucks. And you have the right to grieve for the loss of what you’d always hoped for. End of story. Your pain does not strip the woman on her 6th miscarriage of the right to her own pain, too. Sadly, there’s enough sorrow to go around.

    I’m still hoping for this try to work. But I can understand the feeling of “Is this going to happen???”

  4. ~ danielle Says:

    I remember feeling this so strongly when Bub was 1… then 2… then 3… except in my situation, my partner was adamant about NO MORE KIDS. I not only wanted another kid desperately, I wanted them to be 3 years apart or less. I was crushed. Every month I ovulated felt like such a waste. I started looking at sperm banks on my own, fantasizing about becoming pregnant on my own, that’s how badly I wanted it. Eventually she came around and eventually she ended up carrying our second child (I’d carried the first), but the age span is 4.5y, something I very much didn’t want. But but but, I also believe everything happens for a reason and in it’s own time. There are reasons for why they have this age span that are becoming clearer and clearer. Much love and feel free to feed your pain with food a little bit – always helps in the short run 😉

  5. Mo Says:

    I was bitter and devastated and jealous of pregnant women before we got pregnant with our 2nd. Of course now, I realize how friggin, lucky we were and I more often see the people out there who do not have a 2nd or even a 1st, but I can definitely relate to those feelings. Hang in there. I have a good feeling about you doing this with WTF and Rocketman. (And I love your blog, though don’t post often. Please keep it public!)

  6. bri Says:

    I’m sorry you feel so desperate. I won’t try to cheer you with stories of big age differences and happy relationships, but there are so, so many. My little sister is 9 years younger and I couldn’t be happier that she chose to live 7 blocks away from me after college graduation. It may not be the babyhood you imagined, but it doesn’t mean the future is so different. And it means nothing, since I only want one, but my kid and my stepkid will have a 16 year age difference! It gives me the shivers. But mostly because of the idea of paying for college and preschool at the same time. Anyway, I hope it works for you soon.

  7. apricot Says:

    My brother and I are just under 4 years apart and always loved it. My sister and I are 7 years apart, which was harder but as adults we have become great friends. My brother and I were close friends when we were little and played together all the time, but when junior high and high school came along we were never in the same school together which was PERFECT. No sibling rivalry issues, no competing friend groups and no comparisons to each other. My partner, whose sister is 18 months younger, dealt with all of this and it definitely affected her relationship with her sister. To this day things have not improved all that much. I say this not to minimize what you are feeling, but to say that in our family the greater divide in years was a really, really good thing. Sometimes it can work out to be a good thing.

  8. Trista Says:

    Oh I know how it feels to have an imagined perfect age difference in mind. Ours is getting pretty close to passing with no pregnancy in sight. And it’s getting to the point where pregnant women are painful for me to look at.


    But, while not discounting the way you feel, and while not telling you to feel another way, I’d just like to point out that my 4 year old niece pretty much ignored Julia for the first 7 months of her life. But once Julia could sit up and pass a ball back and forth… they started playing together like crazy. They have such a good time. Part of this is because Julia spends all her time around older kids and so has learned how to keep up and play, and part of this is just a lot of encouragement from the adults around them.

    I can also tell you that Kristin and I were comforting ourselves with the older age difference than we wanted by saying things like: when we have our next kid, we’ll be able to ask Julia to read them a story or play with them for a minute while we run to the bathroom… we’ll be able to ask Julia to go get us a (diaper/wipes/bib/paci) when our hands are full… it’s not much, but it’s something.

  9. Michelle Says:

    I think we can all relate to not having our families the way we’d planned. It’s all the more frustrating how much of it is left up to chance — so hard to feel in control. LM sounds like he will be a GREAT big brother, whatever the age difference.

  10. whatthef*ck Says:

    i have been trying to formulate a response but it seems so hard. i am torn between empathizing and trying to solve the problem and a big mess of other stuff.

    i wil say this: your bitterness makes me afraid for you. there’s no telling what lies ahead on your journey. if you end up with a 3-year-age difference then YOU WILL BE LUCKY darlin’ because that will mean that s gets knocked up soon and all goes well. at this point that will seem like a miracle to me.

    But i know it doesn’t feel that way to you. “The plan” being f*cked up was one of the hardest things about all three of my deadbabydisasters. Hopefully this is the end of your plan adjustments.

    I was reluctant to write this because I didn’t want it to come out all funky. It’s an extraordinarily complex topic.

  11. k77 Says:

    If IVF works for me we’ll be looking at a 4yr+ age gap. The original plan (hahahaha) had it worked would have resulted in a 6 month age gap.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s