two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

I hate white, and being lapped October 13, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 5:52 pm

Blank white space on your pregnancy test.

Blank white space when you begin a new chart.

White is lame.

In better news, WTF assured me that they are more than happy to donate to us, again and again, so stop worrying about puting them out.

Now on to being lapped.

My very good friend is lapping us. She started TTC #2 around the same time as us, and she is about to give birth. I find this aspect one of the most difficult parts of wanting, and not having, another baby: Letting go of the “plan”.

I hate being lapped. I hate it. I hate having a plan, an expectation of kids close in age, of being pregnant with someone, and watching those plans pass on by.

Even the vague plans are hard to let go. For instance, I thought we would have a spring baby. Now if we get pregnant soon (haha) we will have a summer baby. I try to make that ok, but I wanted a spring baby. I had plans. Who cares right? ME. I care. I wanted a baby last friggin year. I got attached to my stupid vision of a spring baby.

The hardest one to let go of, by far, is the we-will-have-kids-close-in-age plan. I have never wanted a 3 year age difference between my kids. I wanted them in school together, as playmates. I have always wanted this. So has S. Silly us, getting attached to anything at all.

I have tried to be flexible. I have changed plans MANY times. But at this point by the time I’m ok with the new deal, it is already my 4th or 6th or 17th choice, so I feel increasingly gipped as plan after plan is left behind.

I can almost handle this. But I can’t when I wonder if it will happen for S at all. Before you say, it is too early to think that (yes I’m aware we have only done 3 months of actual insems) think about all the folks you know IRL and in this blog group who have had serious fertility issues.

She’s 35. Even if we get pregnant, the cell cluster or fetus or baby could die.

It is sobering, and it is the truth.

Or S could also get pregnant next month and carry to term a healthy plump little monster. We just don’t know.

I hate blank white areas that should be filled with pink lines and triphasic dots, I hate being lapped by pregnant friends I love, and I hate not knowing what the fuck will happen.


7 Responses to “I hate white, and being lapped”

  1. Co Says:

    Sorry for mentioning the 3-month thing in my last comment. I was trying to be sympathetic but reassuring, while also trying not to sound preachy cuz I knew I was saying something you knew. I probably should’ve avoided the tightrope instead of trying to walk it. Foot, meet mouth.

    I don’t know what works, of course, cuz ya know, I have not yet had success. And I know what you mean about feeling lapped. Lo’s sister could be having a baby any second now. I can’t believe that we were starting to get the ball rolling right around the time that she announced her pregnancy and now here she is, about to pop?

    I have a friend TTC who has a husband–no known fertility probs either of them. I love her to death, but it kills me that she is 100% averse to doing ANYTHING to maximize her chances or get to know her body. She won’t even do OPKs to try to time it. She thinks I’m weird for doing progesterone suppositories… ya know, that’s icky. She just wants to have sex with her husband and see what happens. And I guess, when you *have* that option and aren’t impatient, you can do that. But still… it infuriates me to think that she will probably get pg before I do and she’s too dainty to pee on a fucking stick.

    So, I do hear you. And I’m sorry that you guys have to continue to go thru this.

  2. charlotte Says:

    Co- You did not offend me at all by saying that!

  3. Sara Says:

    I know exactly what you mean. We make plans based on these fantastic baby dreams…. it’s so hard to let go of those plans.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    I’m going to be spending time with one of my best friends who lapped me recently. her son is almost 3 months now. we started trying the same month.
    he’s my consolation prize baby.

  5. Sacha Says:

    White windows is why we started getting betas done. I just couldn’t stand looking at them any more.

    And being lapped sucks.

    As for S.’s age, I’m 35. Probably a factor in why it took so long, but it still happened. It wasn’t fun, but it still happened. It was unfair, painful, frustrating but it STILL HAPPENED. Keep pushing sweetpea. That baby is out there.

  6. Amanda Says:

    Way to put words to those feelings! i know exactly what you guys are going through. People around us have been having babies like rabbits, yet we’re still lagging behind.
    We don’t know if there’s a problem, or if it’s just a roll of the dice every time. We’ve gone through so many different scenarios, but none have stuck and none have worked.
    i think you guys have a big time fighting chance with great things ahead, and like you said, try #3 is nuthin’!

  7. k77 Says:

    Oh being lapped sucks. Especially being lapped multiple times by the same person. Ugh.

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