Blank white space on your pregnancy test.
Blank white space when you begin a new chart.
White is lame.
In better news, WTF assured me that they are more than happy to donate to us, again and again, so stop worrying about puting them out.
Now on to being lapped.
My very good friend is lapping us. She started TTC #2 around the same time as us, and she is about to give birth. I find this aspect one of the most difficult parts of wanting, and not having, another baby: Letting go of the “plan”.
I hate being lapped. I hate it. I hate having a plan, an expectation of kids close in age, of being pregnant with someone, and watching those plans pass on by.
Even the vague plans are hard to let go. For instance, I thought we would have a spring baby. Now if we get pregnant soon (haha) we will have a summer baby. I try to make that ok, but I wanted a spring baby. I had plans. Who cares right? ME. I care. I wanted a baby last friggin year. I got attached to my stupid vision of a spring baby.
The hardest one to let go of, by far, is the we-will-have-kids-close-in-age plan. I have never wanted a 3 year age difference between my kids. I wanted them in school together, as playmates. I have always wanted this. So has S. Silly us, getting attached to anything at all.
I have tried to be flexible. I have changed plans MANY times. But at this point by the time I’m ok with the new deal, it is already my 4th or 6th or 17th choice, so I feel increasingly gipped as plan after plan is left behind.
I can almost handle this. But I can’t when I wonder if it will happen for S at all. Before you say, it is too early to think that (yes I’m aware we have only done 3 months of actual insems) think about all the folks you know IRL and in this blog group who have had serious fertility issues.
She’s 35. Even if we get pregnant, the cell cluster or fetus or baby could die.
It is sobering, and it is the truth.
Or S could also get pregnant next month and carry to term a healthy plump little monster. We just don’t know.
I hate blank white areas that should be filled with pink lines and triphasic dots, I hate being lapped by pregnant friends I love, and I hate not knowing what the fuck will happen.