dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Pessimism October 3, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 9:12 pm

I am trying not to ruin this week by convincing myself that we are not pregnant, but it’s hard.

I am aware that this convincing will not really lessen the blow, and it will certainly make the wait less pleasant. But then, at least I don’t feel like I was lying to myself the whole time.

I feel duped when I find out it didn’t work.

During the wait, there seems to be a palpable possibility. The truth is that either the egg was fertilized and will implant, or not. When we find out S is not pregnant, the whole TWW full of hope feels like a lie, and a waste of time.

We are on chart #16.
Sixteen cycles of waiting and trying.
Mostly just waiting.

Waited to start.
Waited for a KD to show up.
Waited to meet with Gay PKD #1, who we dismissed after the first coffee.
Waited for another KD to emerge.
Waited through the back and forth KD process with Mr. Gay Sperm Man
Waited through the back and forth KD process with The Fireman.
Decided neither would work.
Devastated.
Waited for meetings at two different sperm banks.
Hopeful.
FPKD offered.
FPKD and FTW said yes.
So hopeful, so happy.
Relaxed into the best answer we could have hoped for.
Then it was a maybe.
Devastated.
Waited for months for FPKD and FTW.
Really devastated.
Tons of hurt feelings.
Felt really stupid.
Recovered and rebounded from their ‘no’.
Decided on frozen sperm.
Purchased frozen sperm.
Broke.
Survived the emotionally draining “choosing a frozen donor” process.
Lots of hurt feelings.
Lots of fighting.
Waited through IUI #1.
Failed.
Waited through IUI #2.
Failed.

I know that other people have tried longer and harder.
I know that we already have a kid.
I know that others have it worse.
These three things really do provide some solace and gratitude.

but…

I also know that after 16 emotionally taxing, sometimes shitty, sometimes expensive, draining, hope filled motherf*ucking cycles, we are feeling very g*d-damned ready to be pregnant.
.

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6 Responses to “Pessimism”

  1. vee Says:

    Oh honey 😦
    Seeing it written out like that makes me feel sad for all the hope and pain you’ve been through already.

    And the hope thing? No way out, is there? And, like you say, it doesn’t change the stark fact of a negative (or a positive) at the end of the day. I’ve found, in my admittedly limited experience, that even the most pessimistic of cycles are crushing when they fail – there’s always a little sliver of hope that gets snuffed out and it HURTS.

    I really hope this is it for you guys – enough with the crappy waiting already!

  2. tonya cinnamonhttp://www.ramblinggirl.tonyacinnamon.com Says:

    sweety.. i dont know what to say . but i can offer you hugs..
    and crossing my finegers for you all…..

  3. Jen Says:

    We are also on a TWW! If you need any words of encouragement or a ear to listen, feel free to email us.

    It takes a village. 🙂

  4. Anonymous Says:

    waiting blows chunks.
    & 16 cycles of waiting is awful. heck waiting any # of cycles is evil.

    but dude- this is cycle #1 with the Rocket Man!!!! Elton John is singing away for you.

    (um, high on midol…)

  5. Anonymous Says:

    i meant I am high on midol.

    although you never know with Elton.

  6. M. Says:

    You know, I feel like I waited for 12 years. The waiting does suck. But, you already know the rewards that come at the end, no? It’ll be all worth it when you have that new babe in your arms. And, I hope that’s VERY soon.


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