I am trying not to ruin this week by convincing myself that we are not pregnant, but it’s hard.
I am aware that this convincing will not really lessen the blow, and it will certainly make the wait less pleasant. But then, at least I don’t feel like I was lying to myself the whole time.
I feel duped when I find out it didn’t work.
During the wait, there seems to be a palpable possibility. The truth is that either the egg was fertilized and will implant, or not. When we find out S is not pregnant, the whole TWW full of hope feels like a lie, and a waste of time.
We are on chart #16.
Sixteen cycles of waiting and trying.
Mostly just waiting.
Waited to start.
Waited for a KD to show up.
Waited to meet with Gay PKD #1, who we dismissed after the first coffee.
Waited for another KD to emerge.
Waited through the back and forth KD process with Mr. Gay Sperm Man
Waited through the back and forth KD process with The Fireman.
Decided neither would work.
Waited for meetings at two different sperm banks.
FPKD and FTW said yes.
So hopeful, so happy.
Relaxed into the best answer we could have hoped for.
Then it was a maybe.
Waited for months for FPKD and FTW.
Tons of hurt feelings.
Felt really stupid.
Recovered and rebounded from their ‘no’.
Decided on frozen sperm.
Purchased frozen sperm.
Survived the emotionally draining “choosing a frozen donor” process.
Lots of hurt feelings.
Lots of fighting.
Waited through IUI #1.
Waited through IUI #2.
I know that other people have tried longer and harder.
I know that we already have a kid.
I know that others have it worse.
These three things really do provide some solace and gratitude.
I also know that after 16 emotionally taxing, sometimes shitty, sometimes expensive, draining, hope filled motherf*ucking cycles, we are feeling very g*d-damned ready to be pregnant.