Sacha says that the first TWW is the hardest. This is true. The wait was easier the second time, BUT the second ‘not pregnant’ was harder because it eroded hope in the whole process.
And this time I’m pissed off.
Some of my anger is being directed towards PPKD (prior PKD) and PTW (Prior The Wife). Well, more so towards PTW. Now I truly can’t blame her for her feelings. Truly. I can’t.
She does not have to share her husband’s sperm. She does not have to want to help us make a baby. She can’t. She wants to desperately, but can’t.
Yet. Yet, each time we get a no, I feel so mad at her, at the situation. There are many more stages of letting go than we thought.
You know what? I think that at S’s work, people are going to wonder if we used PPKDs sperm, anyway. And we are using a frozen donor next cycle with some similar features and skin tone (not on purpose, its just that PPKD has the features we wanted in the first place), so it might even look like him, anyway. And when we do have our baby, all four of us will always know that PPKD and PTW almost helped us, but didn’t. There will always be a connection there anyway.
So help us already, woman!
Unfortunately, as you can see, I still want her to change her mind, which makes me feel totally pathetic. I certainly don’t want to be a sperm beggar.
I just want to shake her and say ‘please change your mind, it’s not to late.’ How pathetic is that? How sperm beggary is that?
When I feel pathetic, I get mad.
So today I’m just mad.
Possibly the shittiest part is that I love PPKD, and I love PTW. A lot. They are fantastic, caring, kind, and lovely which just makes the whole thing worse.
They gave both S and I free and super great reiki (yes energy healing, people – they are both trained to do it) treaments for two weeks before the last insems. We had some open and healing talks. We are trying to repair and normalize our friendships. It was working.
But now I’m mad. I just want to be OVER connecting them to us having a baby. Makes me mad, mad, mad.