two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

I’m mad. September 13, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 4:59 pm

Sacha says that the first TWW is the hardest. This is true. The wait was easier the second time, BUT the second ‘not pregnant’ was harder because it eroded hope in the whole process.

And this time I’m pissed off.

Some of my anger is being directed towards PPKD (prior PKD) and PTW (Prior The Wife). Well, more so towards PTW. Now I truly can’t blame her for her feelings. Truly. I can’t.

She does not have to share her husband’s sperm. She does not have to want to help us make a baby. She can’t. She wants to desperately, but can’t.

Yet. Yet, each time we get a no, I feel so mad at her, at the situation. There are many more stages of letting go than we thought.

You know what? I think that at S’s work, people are going to wonder if we used PPKDs sperm, anyway. And we are using a frozen donor next cycle with some similar features and skin tone (not on purpose, its just that PPKD has the features we wanted in the first place), so it might even look like him, anyway. And when we do have our baby, all four of us will always know that PPKD and PTW almost helped us, but didn’t. There will always be a connection there anyway.

So help us already, woman!

Unfortunately, as you can see, I still want her to change her mind, which makes me feel totally pathetic. I certainly don’t want to be a sperm beggar.

I just want to shake her and say ‘please change your mind, it’s not to late.’ How pathetic is that? How sperm beggary is that?

When I feel pathetic, I get mad.

So today I’m just mad.

Possibly the shittiest part is that I love PPKD, and I love PTW. A lot. They are fantastic, caring, kind, and lovely which just makes the whole thing worse.

They gave both S and I free and super great reiki (yes energy healing, people – they are both trained to do it) treaments for two weeks before the last insems. We had some open and healing talks. We are trying to repair and normalize our friendships. It was working.

But now I’m mad. I just want to be OVER connecting them to us having a baby. Makes me mad, mad, mad.


6 Responses to “I’m mad.”

  1. Trista Says:

    I don’t blame you for feeling that way. I would probably feel that way, too. Not because of the no, but because of the way that no came about. The delay, the hope, the yeses, the nos, the final no. That was a long, hard journey.

  2. Co Says:

    I know it’s not parallel, but our “no” came from a wife, too. Our old and no-longer-PKD would’ve loved to do it… really, not just willing, excited… and perfect for us! Lo might have to see his wife at an upcoming event our mutual friend is having. Lo doesn’t know if she will be able to be more than civil to her. She’s still mad at her.

    So, it’s totally normal to feel rage and anger.

    I am starting to feel angry, too… not just that original PKD didn’t work out and that our current KD, who a couple years ago lived in our city, is now barely in the country… but at how damned hard it is for us to conceive a child compared to, ya know, Lo’s het little sister. How I have had to chart, have invasive tests done, fight with my health insurance company, have back and forths with a sperm bank… all to have a child. It’s worth it to me, but still, it’s anger making that we HAVE TO do all this stuff. That I can’t just have sex with my partner and “see if it works.” That I have well-meaning het friends reassure me about the fact that I had delayed ovulation this cycle by saying, “the best thing to do is not to get too exited or worked up and then just wait for it to happen.” I appreciate the sentiment, but do they understand that this cycle was our only free try? When it’s costing thousands of dollars, lots of time, and isn’t at all a pleasant procedure, how can you not be aching for it to work… quickly if at all possible?

    I think part of my anger is that I feel like the woman who told us “No” doesn’t get… at all… how much harder her “No” has made this for us. How her decision (which is her right, I know) has made our lives so much more stressful and difficult than they could have been.

    I didn’t mean to make this comment all about me. But I thought maybe I was channeling some similar anger.

    I’m angry on your behalf, too.

  3. Sacha Says:

    Anger is such a huge part of it. I mean the day I saw the freakin’ PREGNANT prostitute across from our house (yes, we live in the ‘hood) I knew the world isn’t something either fair or understandable. And that het folk take it for granted…grrrrr. And that people withhold reprodution from others who are so prepared and worthy seems ultimately selfish.

    So be angry.

    And I totally agree with Trista. All the hope they gave you wasn’t right. They sound like good people so I’m sure they didn’t understand the psychological and emotional impact their behavior had. You are a bigger person than me because I think I’d hate them forever after all you went through.

    I know I keep saying this, but seriously, hang in there. All these emotions are part of this. My SIL actually said the TTC for her and her husband was a ‘wonderous’ time.

    HA! It fucking HURTS. I find it strange when people aren’t angry.

  4. Lo Says:

    As Co has eloquently described, I have a lot of Wife-Hatred. You can have some.

  5. call Says:

    I hate that you guys still have to deal with the wife. I know you like her & all- but I wouldn’t be able to put on a brave/nice face for a good long while. I’d be blaming too.

  6. calliope Says:

    um- that was from me

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s