two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

11 D P O, again. September 11, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 5:25 pm

It is so strange to have a 2 uterus relationship while TTC.

I love and hate that we have a backup plan. Me getting pregnant should not be a backup plan.

It is so hard for my poor little psyche to tolerate the conflicting feelings involved.

There is a tiny part, maybe .5%, that want me to be pregnant again, not S. I feel so out of control in this process. Not my body, ya know. Makes me want to throw out the whole lets-get-S-pregnant thing and try again myself, because it is free and we know it works. Now this is a small percent, compared with 99.5% wanting S to be pregnant. But I hate that .5%. I want it to be zero.

And having the backup uterus is just weird.

Do I want to feel this way? No.
Does it feel competitive and crappy? Yes.
Do I truly want S to be pregnant more than anything? Yes. Yes. Yes.

But I can’t help the confusion. I have tons of copious cervical fluid right now…at least 6 days before I will ovulate, and I can’t help but wonder whether this frozen sperm business is worth it.

I am feeling pretty sure we are not pregnant. This puts my mind into planning mode (in addition to angry mode and depressed mode). We have agreed to try 4 cycles with frozen sperm. This means we have 2 tries left, if this one does not work. But I am beginning to wonder, in earnest, whether S will get pregnant this way. ‘This way’ meaning unmedicated with frozen sperm.

I think I want more than anything for S to be pregnant, but that is not entirely true. I want our kids to be reasonable close in age, which means I’m maybe not willing to TTC for a year or more. It is an expensive process, so I don’t want to amass any more than the massive debt we already have. We are spending more than $1200 dollars a month.

And honestly, truly and honestly, I hate using frozen sperm. I just hate it. Especially when it is not working.

We saw previous PKD and Wife yesterday, and I just wanted to cry.


2 Responses to “11 D P O, again.”

  1. Trista Says:

    Oh I’m so sorry. It’s so stressful on you both. I wish I had marvelous words of wisdom, but I don’t. No wisdom, only sympathy.

  2. Holly Says:

    i know how stressful this whole thing is.
    i did not want to be the backup plan because i knew that i couldn’t start ttcing right away. i was so scared that Lois wouldn’t get pregnant because if it fell on me, she would never have that experience and we would have to wait a few years before i could give her a baby.
    there’s so many up and down feelings about this roller coaster ride. just know that there are many women who completely understand and you are not alone.

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