It is so strange to have a 2 uterus relationship while TTC.
I love and hate that we have a backup plan. Me getting pregnant should not be a backup plan.
It is so hard for my poor little psyche to tolerate the conflicting feelings involved.
There is a tiny part, maybe .5%, that want me to be pregnant again, not S. I feel so out of control in this process. Not my body, ya know. Makes me want to throw out the whole lets-get-S-pregnant thing and try again myself, because it is free and we know it works. Now this is a small percent, compared with 99.5% wanting S to be pregnant. But I hate that .5%. I want it to be zero.
And having the backup uterus is just weird.
Do I want to feel this way? No.
Does it feel competitive and crappy? Yes.
Do I truly want S to be pregnant more than anything? Yes. Yes. Yes.
But I can’t help the confusion. I have tons of copious cervical fluid right now…at least 6 days before I will ovulate, and I can’t help but wonder whether this frozen sperm business is worth it.
I am feeling pretty sure we are not pregnant. This puts my mind into planning mode (in addition to angry mode and depressed mode). We have agreed to try 4 cycles with frozen sperm. This means we have 2 tries left, if this one does not work. But I am beginning to wonder, in earnest, whether S will get pregnant this way. ‘This way’ meaning unmedicated with frozen sperm.
I think I want more than anything for S to be pregnant, but that is not entirely true. I want our kids to be reasonable close in age, which means I’m maybe not willing to TTC for a year or more. It is an expensive process, so I don’t want to amass any more than the massive debt we already have. We are spending more than $1200 dollars a month.
And honestly, truly and honestly, I hate using frozen sperm. I just hate it. Especially when it is not working.
We saw previous PKD and Wife yesterday, and I just wanted to cry.