two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Father’s Day June 17, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 3:05 am

The other day LM and I were having a playdate with his friend B. B’s dad was leaving for work , and everyone was saying goodbye to him, and LM says “bye bye daddy”.

Fucking funny. I say, “that is B’s daddy”.

LM says, “yes, daddy…bye daddy”.

Mostly I think this is adorable and it cracks S and I up. But then in creeps something else. It was the first time I was pained with the undeniable fact that LM has no daddy. Sure two moms are super cool, but he is missing something that other kids have, something cultural, something biological, something important.

Just because I am so incredibly pro queer families does not mean that I cannot admit that LM is missing something. Even though he will get all the love he needs, all the parenting he needs, he has no dad. I think it is important for me to hold this space for him. To allow for more than one truth at the same time, and to not be so defensive because of our cultural homophobia that I deny some real sadness that he will absolutely have in some capacity, and that I have too, unexpectedly.

I am also feeling that is it more important than ever for this little boy, and all little boys and girls for that matter, to have great, loving men in their loves. Men who are funny and kind and brave.

Men who are respectful of women.

So we are redoubling our efforts to make sure that LM is regularly around some fabulous men.

And a shout out to all of the beautiful men in our lives, there are not many, but the few we have are so incredible with LM.

Happy father’s, or men-who-are-great-role-models-to-kids-in-their-lives, day to all of us.


4 Responses to “Father’s Day”

  1. Co Says:

    I hear you, Charlotte. I worry a lot about this, probably because I spent part of my childhood without a father (or a mother).

    I used to sit in Catholic school and occasionally hear an adult rail against single mothers! “Kids NEED a father, they’d say!” It always struck me as ridiculous. My mother DIED! What choice did my dad have but to be a single parent? Would anyone take a child away from a widower because “kids NEED a mother”? Or from a widow because “kids NEED a father”? If the answer is no, then the argument against single parents (or same-sex parents if you follow it to its logical conlcusion) is ludicrous.

    Kids don’t actually NEED these things. I believed that then and I believe it now. Hell, I’m proof that kids don’t NEED anything but a legal guardian. (Dad died 4 years after mom, so that’s all I had after age 13.) But hell, I missed having them–in part, because they were actual people who I knew, but also I missed having them in the generic sense. I especially missed having a mother. And I think my brother especially missed having a father. Something about having someone in your life who is the same gender who you love and trust is important, especially as you grow into adulthood. But it doesn’t have to be a parent.

    I think you’re right that it’s important for LM to have good trusted male role models. And it’s great that you’re planning to give him that. But I also agree that having someone (or two people) who loves you is all a kid really NEEDS.

  2. Co Says:

    Oh, and not that my previous comment wasn’t plenty long, but here’s another thought… I don’t think anyone thought about my needs for same-gender role models after my parents died.

    I think when you end up motherless or fatherless because of death or abandonment, people don’t necessarily think about this stuff. I think those of us who CHOOSE to be lesbian mothers, single mothers by choice, or gay male fathers go about it more intentionally, and seek out role models for our kids. So, in essence, our kids are at an advantage over many kids who just miss out because of misfortune.

    Okay, I’ll shut up now on this topic or go write a post.

  3. M. Says:

    Truly funny story. Since LM doesn’t have a “daddy” is it possible that he just thought that was the man’s name or what he goes by?

    But I do share your sadness at times too. Our children will have different lives both for the lack of father and for the addition of another mom. It’s just a unique situation, one that carries some benefit and some lack. In the end, I think they will come out pretty equally.

  4. Clare Says:

    Friends of ours have a wee boy together and they used to read him a book which had a character in it ‘Dad’ in the book ‘Dad’ had a big grey beard and wore work boots and overalls.

    One day these friends of ours were in the local shopping centre and the boy suddenly yelled out ‘ look look there is Dad’ at this bloke with a big grey beard, work boots and overalls. He ran after the bloke saying ‘dad’ ‘dad’ – the bloke turned around eventually looked down and said ‘not today sonny in the gentlest way’

    We laughed about it for weeks.

    There are good dads and bad dads, there are good mums and bad mums there are plenty plenty plenty who grew up without one or the other but knew love. Your LM will be fine. He has more and less. And that is no different to any of us.

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