We are registering this week at the bank.
We love our PKD and The Wife so much, but we just don’t see how they will be able to give us a yes, and if they do, a yes that we will be comfortable with.
At dinner the a week and a half ago, we all talked about some of the hypothetical conditions that we would want if they become our KD. One of these (The Wife wanted this) is that they will keep their donation private (not tell their friends and family because they don’t want to have to deal with other people’s projections and questions and assumptions). Although we prefer this as well, there was just this underlying feeling that S and I got from The Wife, that she is fundamentally scared of the process…worried about what everyone will say, worried about comments like “the baby looks like KD” (which it probably will for a while and we don’t want to be scared to say that), worried about the impact that this will have on their family, worried that someone (her, us, the world) will consider this to be KD’s child instead of ours. Just really scared. Each of these concerns is totally reasonable, totally understandable.
S and I would possibly feel the same way in her position, but we also would probably say “no”. So we are concerned.
Is it possible to experience these feelings so intensely then move through them to a place where you fundamentally understand that this is the lesbians’ child, that a donor is a donor, that the two families decide on their roles and definitions, that sperm is not fatherhood, that we only want sperm given completely freely to help us make our child?
I am beginning to think that some folks can do this and some can’t. No matter how hard they try. S’s brother is a ‘can do’, his wife is absolutely a can do, one of our really great male friends is totally a can’t do (he would always see the child as his), S and I are probably can’t dos, PKD is completely a can do, but The Wife…I think she’s maybe just ca an’t do.
And I can’t blame her.
But I want to know, and my fear is that no amount of therapy or talking about it will change that she fundamentally can’t do it.
But one more thing. She also is a person who always wanted to adopt children, someone who believes in alternative families, someone who is kind and generous. She going to go see a therapist with PKD on the 22nd to try to work though some of her feelings and fears. She is someone who contacted a local sperm bank to get information about anyone who counsels lesbian couples and their KDs. She cares. She is smart. She is brave. So we don’t want to give up on her without giving her the chance.
And hanging out with them more just confirms our sense that they would be a great donor couple. We like them. It is so tempting to just pull out, but it wouldn’t be fair to anyone, since we have come this far. I just hate to feel like we are waiting for a ‘no’.
I’m just afraid she is a can’t do. And we need this to be decided. Their return, and our subsequent conversations are bringing TTC back to the center of our lives, and it is getting painful again.
So we are going to register, even though we don’t have the money, because we just feel like we need to. I can’t handle a ‘no’, without backup. Oh, and we are going to have to miss June’s ovulation as well, which we expected, but it still makes me sad.