dosmamas

two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

SPERM IN JULY! June 30, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 11:02 pm

I worked it baby.

Called doctors, called midwives, called the bank, filled out paperwork, filled out more paperwork, faxed shit.

We are gonna do the deed, if we can wrap our hearts and brains around it emotionally, a week from tomorrow.

Holy.

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Better. Worse. June 28, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 4:19 am

I am feeling better today. Better about baby stuff, worse about friendship stuff. I’m just pissed. And disappointed.

Checked my sitemeter today to see who’s reading. Just wondering who my readers are in Redwood City, CA, San Francisco, and Morley, Leeds in the UK, and many other of you fine folks from the US and Australia, Canada, and Germany (well I know who you are from Germany, all fancy and pregnant and feeling the baby – can’t wait until we join you in the over this sucky part and on to the pregnant part).

Also, please let me know if you are feeling positively great about frozen sperm, cause I could use the pep.

 

No. June 26, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 9:54 pm

It is a no. We were expecting a no, but NOT in a FUCKING public place, NOT in a cafe right after ordering, NOT after having it set up in the following way:

S told Him look, if it is a straight up no, just tell me now, so we don’t have an emotional restaurant experience, we just want to know right now so we can have our reaction. HE says wwe had a great session with the counselor, it is not a straight up no, and we want to tell you together. So S tells me this and we head to lunch confused…expecting a yes, and formulating our own questions and stuff.

So we get there and He says, they had a great session, grew as a couple, blah, blah, we can’t do it right now, because we don’t know what’s going on with our family yet. I expected this, but not after expecting a fucking yes for 2 hours. And then we are like, so it’s a no. And they are like, no it’s just that we can’t do it right now.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.

We did not ask you if you could help us have our baby at some point in the coming YEARS. And to that you are saying maybe.

No, we asked if you can help us now. So admit, for god’s sake that you are saying NO. The answer is NO.

And don’t tell us no in a fucking cafe, after a lead up that makes us think it is a yes. And take responsibility for saying NO. NO sucks. NO is way worse than ‘we probably can after we figure out our own family’. So admit it, say NO. Jesus, we deserve that, at least.

Additionally because I did not get our act together earlier in the month like I said I was, we will now have to miss the July ovulation (at the sperm bank) as well.

I know you all “told me so”. I know everyone thinks we are stupid for not saying no ourselves months ago. And we are.

We are also back to square one after 5 months…only with less money and more pessimism.

P.S. S and I did talk to Him a few hours later and told him we were mad about the way they told us etc. He immediately appologized and told us that they did not think it through well at all, they just did not want to keep us waiting. I also told him we will need some TIME, and that I’m upset, even though I don’t want to be. He said he understands if we are angry for a while and to take our time, and appologized again ofr the wait, the way they wold us and just the whole thing in general. I do not hate them, or think they are bad folks. It was not an intentional set up, just insensitive. Just to be fair I must say that they both feel really super badly, blah, blah, blah.

 

ADOPTION DAY June 24, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 5:31 pm

LM is officially legally S’s son.

We were not sure if we wanted to celebrate something that should already exist. I mean, yay the state of California is telling us that LM is S’s child, when of course he is.

But holy crap.

THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA RECOGNIZED OUR FAMILY.

We get a new birth certificate with both of our names on it. A legal record with both of our names as both of his parents. Both of his parents. Two moms with equal legal rights.

We were so grumpy about having to shell out $800, and filing all this court paperwork and shit and feeling like we shouldn’t have to and how homophobic, that we didn’t look up to see the good, the great, the fact that we get a birth certificate with two queer women’s names on it. I mean seriously.

The judge told us that this is the best part of his day, and the best part of his job.

He signed the papers.

We took a picture.

Then we left and played all day with our son. OUR son.

And somehow this weight we did not realize was there was lifted. We were seen. I mean the state sees us and says we are a family.

I know that the state says other nasty things about us, and that other people’s states make it expressly illegal for queer families to adopt. I know that some of the world still hates us.

But not today.

 

Father’s Day June 17, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 3:05 am

The other day LM and I were having a playdate with his friend B. B’s dad was leaving for work , and everyone was saying goodbye to him, and LM says “bye bye daddy”.

Fucking funny. I say, “that is B’s daddy”.

LM says, “yes, daddy…bye daddy”.

Mostly I think this is adorable and it cracks S and I up. But then in creeps something else. It was the first time I was pained with the undeniable fact that LM has no daddy. Sure two moms are super cool, but he is missing something that other kids have, something cultural, something biological, something important.

Just because I am so incredibly pro queer families does not mean that I cannot admit that LM is missing something. Even though he will get all the love he needs, all the parenting he needs, he has no dad. I think it is important for me to hold this space for him. To allow for more than one truth at the same time, and to not be so defensive because of our cultural homophobia that I deny some real sadness that he will absolutely have in some capacity, and that I have too, unexpectedly.

I am also feeling that is it more important than ever for this little boy, and all little boys and girls for that matter, to have great, loving men in their loves. Men who are funny and kind and brave.

Men who are respectful of women.

So we are redoubling our efforts to make sure that LM is regularly around some fabulous men.

And a shout out to all of the beautiful men in our lives, there are not many, but the few we have are so incredible with LM.

Happy father’s, or men-who-are-great-role-models-to-kids-in-their-lives, day to all of us.

 

I’m back. June 15, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 5:45 pm

Phew. I’m finally back. I was feeling like I couldn’t blog while imagining The Wife reading it. So I asked her last night not to (she hadn’t been). So.

I remain pretty sure it is going to be a ‘no.’ The Wife and I hung out yesterday before she and PKD cam over for dinner. We talked some about it, and it turns out she is truly on the fence. 50/50. At this point in the game that is not good enough for me. They are meeting with a midwife who counsels lesbians and known donors, helps negotiate contracts, and performs inseminations. She is about an hour and a half drive, and $170 for an hour consultation.

I must wonder why they are taking time off work and paying that much. I think she just really wants to say yes, but come on. They go a week from Friday. The Wife kinda wants this woman to tell her what to do. To tell her, ‘you don’t sound ready’, or ‘everything will work out just fine’.

I feel like DUDE, if you are only 50% yes, there is no frickin way you can get to 100% in a few weeks. As many of you have already told me, it shouldn’t be this hard. I told her as much. If she needs permission to say no she has it. I can’t imagine the pressure she feels, with all three of us wanting to go ahead. She muct feel so shmucky. I absolutely would not want to be in her position, or ours.

But we want an enthusiastic yes, not a reluctant one.

We don’t want this to be painful for anyone.

So I can only assume it is a no for us, regardless of what she says. So onto frozen, unless there is a dramatic, believable, honest, from-her-gut shift.

We were here in fucking February. Only it was better in February. We had just returned from the sperm bank…we were feeling jazzed about our meeting and all of the personal and physical information we got. We were ready to go.

Now we are set back 5 months, and once again disappointed in frozen sperm. I suppose we can get back to the happy sperm popsicle place. We actually entertained the idea of paying another $60 for a consultation, just because it felt good at the lesbian sperm bank.

 

Update June 11, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 3:15 am

We are registering this week at the bank.

We love our PKD and The Wife so much, but we just don’t see how they will be able to give us a yes, and if they do, a yes that we will be comfortable with.

At dinner the a week and a half ago, we all talked about some of the hypothetical conditions that we would want if they become our KD. One of these (The Wife wanted this) is that they will keep their donation private (not tell their friends and family because they don’t want to have to deal with other people’s projections and questions and assumptions). Although we prefer this as well, there was just this underlying feeling that S and I got from The Wife, that she is fundamentally scared of the process…worried about what everyone will say, worried about comments like “the baby looks like KD” (which it probably will for a while and we don’t want to be scared to say that), worried about the impact that this will have on their family, worried that someone (her, us, the world) will consider this to be KD’s child instead of ours. Just really scared. Each of these concerns is totally reasonable, totally understandable.

S and I would possibly feel the same way in her position, but we also would probably say “no”. So we are concerned.

Is it possible to experience these feelings so intensely then move through them to a place where you fundamentally understand that this is the lesbians’ child, that a donor is a donor, that the two families decide on their roles and definitions, that sperm is not fatherhood, that we only want sperm given completely freely to help us make our child?

I am beginning to think that some folks can do this and some can’t. No matter how hard they try. S’s brother is a ‘can do’, his wife is absolutely a can do, one of our really great male friends is totally a can’t do (he would always see the child as his), S and I are probably can’t dos, PKD is completely a can do, but The Wife…I think she’s maybe just ca an’t do.

And I can’t blame her.

But I want to know, and my fear is that no amount of therapy or talking about it will change that she fundamentally can’t do it.

But one more thing. She also is a person who always wanted to adopt children, someone who believes in alternative families, someone who is kind and generous. She going to go see a therapist with PKD on the 22nd to try to work though some of her feelings and fears. She is someone who contacted a local sperm bank to get information about anyone who counsels lesbian couples and their KDs. She cares. She is smart. She is brave. So we don’t want to give up on her without giving her the chance.

And hanging out with them more just confirms our sense that they would be a great donor couple. We like them. It is so tempting to just pull out, but it wouldn’t be fair to anyone, since we have come this far. I just hate to feel like we are waiting for a ‘no’.

I’m just afraid she is a can’t do. And we need this to be decided. Their return, and our subsequent conversations are bringing TTC back to the center of our lives, and it is getting painful again.

So we are going to register, even though we don’t have the money, because we just feel like we need to. I can’t handle a ‘no’, without backup. Oh, and we are going to have to miss June’s ovulation as well, which we expected, but it still makes me sad.