two uteri, two mamas pregnant, AGAIN, with baby number two

Friendship May 24, 2006

Filed under: Uncategorized — charlotte @ 2:27 am

OK, I am totally straying from the usual topics to discuss friendship. This is due to the fact that I can thin kof nothing else, despite the fact that PKD and The Wife arrive in town today.

Have any of you had a friendship that feels like a love relationship, in terms of drama?

I have a friend, we shall call her Liz, who I totally love and she totally loves me, we were at each others births, we went to school together, we are both therapists, we live in the same town, we have kids the same age. Apparently we are enmeshed. We hurt each others feelings…the way that we are in the world hurts the other person. I am loud and outgoing and have tried in the past to be ‘better’ than her… and I get all the attention (which is painful for her). She is shy and introverted, and pulls away emotionally whenever she feels irritated or mad or hurt (which is my least favorite thing in the world) and can be so exclusive. So I hurt her, and she hurts me just because we exist.

And we have processed the shit out of our relationship over the years, the way couples do. And it has gotten us here. Distant and mad and hurt. The things that should have brought us closer together (having kids at the same time, sharing all our professional interests) have brought us farther apart. Just as she is beginning a new job, I am beginning a new job and we will be competing with each other, unless we decide to believe in abundance and be a team, which is unlikely. We are both only children, and although I would love to blame it all on her (sometimes I do) the truth is that we have both been competitive and petty. And we have old patterns that I can’t seem to break.

So why are we friends?

At this point, I feel like I need to let go of her, but I have been avoiding this at all costs. It harkens me back to 6th grade friendships and high school friendships gone awry. And I am so sad. So sad. I love her and want us to be close and happy and good. But we are not and I am just clinging. I need to let go.

Please tell me that someone out there has had some super difficult friendship issues in their adult life.

PS Has anyone had funky frienship/business stuff happen? And how did you deal with it?


6 Responses to “Friendship”

  1. Stephanie Says:

    I had a friendship that felt like a relationship a couple of years ago. We did everything together. She slept over all the time because she was unhappy at her home. And I felt like were were going to be friends forever. One day, after a year of this intense level of friendship, she just stopped talking to me.

    I learned later that she felt like she was losing herself because she wasn’t getting the attention she needed. I couldn’t have known that but I felt responsible.

    Thinking about it later I realized that while I was happy being the constant giver in our relationship, it wasn’t healthy for me to be friends with a person that would constantly be the taker.

    Now I’ve decided that true friendship is too valuable to stay in one where you’re hurting. Unless you can solve the hurt and have it stay solved, better to leave the friendship. It’s more healthy.

    It sounds like you’ve tried to salvage this relationship a few times and it’s still not working. It will be tough to move on but it may be the best thing.

    Sorry for such a long comment! 🙂

  2. Co Says:

    I can’t say I’ve had a friendship that felt like a love relationship in terms of drama, but I’ve definitely had adult friendship issues. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    You can commiserate with Lo about your least favorite thing in the world–people who pull away emotionally when they are angry or hurt. I totally do that, and it completely drives Lo up the wall. We actually discussed my hibernation tendencies last week. So, I know that must be hard for you.

    I, too, have had the experience of competition for jobs straining my friendships. I work freelance, and when I first started doing so, a close friend of mine was also. We were both insecure about trying to be freelance, so we used to not tell each other who we were working for and were loathe to recommend one another because we were afraid of losing out on work ourselves. It made things hard because we’d been colleagues at two different jobs and that had been one of the things that drew us closer. Now that we’re both more settled career-wise, though, that doesn’t happen so much now and we often throw each other work. So that stress might go away in time.

    I have no good advice. But please know that I am indeed sorry you’re dealing with this.

  3. charlotte Says:

    I really need help here, more then even with ttc, so thank you for your stories. It absolutely helps me. Truly. Anyone else?

  4. Calliope Says:

    I e-mailed you.

  5. mermaidgrrrl Says:

    I had two friendships end last year that were somewhat short but extremely intense. One of the women we befriended when she got sick and found herself without somewhere to live or any supports (oh – I can be such a rescuer). We knew her before the sick thing through other people, and she hadn’t lived in this town for very long. We not only provided a safe home for her, we also liased with medical staff for her, took her to appointments and assisted her financially. We helped her out from February until November – when she stole money from us, damaged our car, wrote a nasty letter to my employer and spread rumours about us. Nice, isn’t it?

    She ended up taking another friend with her, who took her side and refused to belief that she’d stolen and lied about drugs etc. This friend and I had been in an intense kind of friendship – very nearly lovers at several points – and it ended in a very fiery way.

    I have felt very burnt since then and not really open to new friendships. I tend to give too much and then end up getting ripped off – financially and emotionally. I used last year as a big learning experience and am now a lot more picky about who I form close friendships with. I’m really only just getting back on my feet now from the pain of the “break-up” with those two women. I only moved to this state 4 years ago and have found the people here somewhat challenging and hard to form friendships with, but I do have a few people I am close to.

    Sorry for crapping on!

  6. Clare Says:

    I have a cousin who I re-found when I was an adult. We were second cousins and our parents weren’t all that close (thou they liked each other) when we were growing up we lived far away from each other. When I started Uni we re-met and were amazed at our how similar we were. We moved into together in my first year and were close to each other for years and years. I was her bridesmaid, I was at her first babies birth, we were god parents to each others children.

    It was not without difficulties at times. She married a man who went to school with my partner (one of those odd things where they both came from the same town and we met them seperately and it just turned out they had) and they hadn’t got on at school. She fell pregnant easily, it took me a long time and she didn’t understand how dreadful that was for me, and then her second baby ‘took time’ (a couple of months) and I couldn’t understand how she could equate this to my five year struggle.

    But we stayed close.

    Then my relationship broke down and I was pretty mucked up for a year or so – I had thought we would spend the rest of our lives together with our boy that who was so hard won. I relied on her a little during that time, but felt pretty distant from her really.

    About a year later she just blew up at me one day and it turned out she had been having a bad time too (although she had made no attempt to tell me) and she was angry that I hadn’t been there for her.

    We didn’t speak for many months. And then she rang one day out of the blue and we met for lunch and talked, and for a couple of months saw each other from time to time. it was OK.

    Last year I invited her to Thomas’ birthday and got a very friendly sorry we can’t lets catch up soon. I haven’t heard from her since, although I send her and the kids birthday and christmas cards. She doesn’t send anything to me or my boy. Sometimes I feel a bit odd about this (lately I have so it was funny to come across your post), but mostly it is OK.

    In not having that person around I have had to redefine myself and relearn about who I am without her and that has been pretty good for me.

    I do think it helps that we resolved things in a way – so it would be OK if we ran into each other in the street.

    Good luck

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